


Interlude

by Sweet_Babboo



Category: Barisi - Fandom, Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Boyfriends, Comfort, Counselor - Freeform, Developing Relationship, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Humor, Implied Relationships, Lawyer Boyfriends, Lawyer Soulmates, M/M, Multi, Obfuscate, Romance, SVU - Freeform, friendships, relationships, yummy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2019-01-25 16:33:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 57,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12536192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweet_Babboo/pseuds/Sweet_Babboo
Summary: Sonny and Barba's relationship is complicated sometimes. What we see on the surface doesn't always tell the whole story. This is my take on what happens in-between the storylines and some wishful thinking on my part.





	1. Unintentional

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Sonny and Barba have such interesting interactions based not only as characters, but also as actors who bring them to life with their performances. There is more chemistry (platonic & implied romance) between them in 10 seconds of airtime than in an entire SVU episode.  
> 2\. Takes place after episode 17x09 (Depravity Standard).  
> 3\. My first Barisi SVU fanfic!  
> 4\. Wanted to show Barba's softer and more romantic side (in due time).  
> 5\. I like Barisi and no one will change my mind :)

“Yes, WHAT?” assistant district attorney Rafael Barba replied in agitation, after picking up his desk phone. He was so focused on work that he cradled the receiver in between his shoulder and neck while continuing to scan the files in front of him.

“Well, that’s a nice friendly greeting, Raf,” a familiar voice spoke on the other end of the line. “Is that how you always answer the phone now?”

There were few people that had the privilege of calling Barba so informally and his former college roommate was one of them.

“Mason Jones! As I live and breathe. How the hell are you?”

“Can't really complain. How about you? Staying out of trouble?”

“No more than usual,” Barba replied sarcastically, but there was just the slightest hint of weariness in his voice.

“That bad, huh? Let me guess. You’re on your second cup of coffee.”

“Third, but who’s counting?”

“Jeez, it's only 1:30 in the afternoon. Do you even sleep at night?”

“You didn't call me just to comment on my nocturnal habits. What do you want?”

“Can't I call to see how you're doing without having an ulterior motive?”

“Sorry, Mason. Just one of those days.”

“I hear you. Well in that case, I don’t suppose I could persuade you into leaving Manhattan and coming to L.A.? There’s an opening for an associate in my firm, with a high likelihood of making partner. It'll be like the old days.”

“Same old Mason. Thanks for the offer, but I don’t think your firm could stand the both of us together in the same office. Besides, you know I would never be happy doing corporate law.”

“Can’t blame me for trying. I guess you really do like being an ADA in Manhattan.”

“There are days when it makes me yearn for the Bronx,” Barba replied sarcastically.

“Now I KNOW that you're exaggerating. Someone giving you a hard time? I heard the new DA is a real ball buster.”

“I just need to stay on his good side. Him I can deal with. It's someone else that's turned my neat and tidy world upside down.”

“Don't tell me you and Yelina...”

“That boat has sailed a long time ago,” Barba replied emphatically. “In fact, it's sailed so far that it's never coming back.”

“Oh? You're with someone else now?”

“In a crazy, mixed up, 'Odd Couple' sort of way. Somehow, for reasons unknown to me, I'm currently mentoring this law student who just happens to moonlight as a detective at SVU. It started off as a one time thing. Now I can't get rid of him.”

There was a slight pause before Mason burst out laughing hysterically.

“Are you done?” Barba asked dryly after the other man finally stopped.

“Wait, wait. Okay. I think that's the last of it....nope. Still a little bit left. Bwahahaha!”

“Just what is so damn funny?”

“No offense. But you’re not exactly the mentor type. I mean you don’t exactly have the patience or temperament.”

“You’re preaching to the choir, buddy. But that doesn't deter this kid, Carisi. He's a real piece of work. No matter how much of a hard time I give him, he always comes back for more.”

“And that's wrong because...?”

“It's not just that. He constantly tries to undermine me by offering his opinions as though they were factual. Never mind that he takes forever to get to the point. I mean, does he even know who he's talking to? ME a Harvard Law School graduate with years of experience. I think half the time he's trying to show me up.”

“Afraid of a little competition? I seem to remember another hot shot law student who had similar aspirations back in a day,” Mason quipped jokingly at the expense of his friend.

“Apples and oranges,” Barba dismissed derisively. “I've always wanted to be a lawyer. I've given it my full attention and made it my life. This kid sees this as just a hobby on the side. He's not really serious about it. I mean he’s a detective full time and goes to night school at Fordham Law for god’s sake.”

“Objection, counselor. Argumentative and prejudicial.”

“Overruled. Look, I don't have anything against him. He has some potential, but I'm just not cut out to be a mentor.”

“Everybody needs a little help now and then. Haven't you ever heard of 'paying it forward'?”

“Hey, I had to fight for everything I've earned. No one helped me when I needed it. And I didn't have generational wealth to pay for my education, unlike SOME people I know.”

“You wouldn't have accepted anyone's help, let alone admitted that you needed it.”

“That's beside the point. Anyway, a little adversity never hurt anyone.”

“You know Raf, one of these days, that brash, give 'em hell attitude is going to come back and bite you in the ass.”

“I prefer to call it quiet confidence. I don't cater to threats and I DON'T suffer fools either.”

“There's nothing quiet about you. I have to admit, I never pictured you as a mentor. You must be getting soft with age.”

“I am NOT that old. Besides, it wasn't my choice, but Carisi kept bugging me. I finally let him shadow one of my cases otherwise, I wouldn't get a moment's peace.”

“I have a feeling that you're trying to make this guy sound worse than he really is,” Mason replied astutely. “For crying out loud, it's not as if it's all part of some sinister plot to make your life miserable.”

“I sometimes wonder,” Barba replied sarcastically.

“You've got to hand it to him, though. He's certainly persistent. I would think that you would at least give Carisi some brownie points for wanting to shadow you. After all you've never passed up an opportunity to display your talents. If it were me, I'd be flattered to have someone think so highly of me like this person obviously sees you.”

“Then YOU come up here and switch places with me and see how you like having someone follow your every move.”

“I'M not the one Carisi wants to learn from. If you ask me, he sounds like he just wants to make a good impression. I think it's great that he took the initiative to approach you.”

“Maybe, but he still annoys me to no end.”

“And why is that, pray tell? It couldn't be because he reminds you a little bit of yourself?”

“I am NOTHING like him. And I never miss an opportunity to remind him of that fact. He's like the poster child for sunshine, rainbows, and puppies. He's an optimist and I'm a pessimist. We're different people.”

“Me thinks thou doth protest too much.”

“Well, me thinks that you're making much ado about nothing.”

“You know, it's okay to show a little humility. You act like it's some sort of infectious disease.”

“For which I've already been vaccinated.”

Barba felt the corners of his mouth curl up in amusement in spite of himself when he heard his old friend laughing again.

“At least he knows you're the best at what you do.”

“I can't argue with you on that. And, if I were under oath, I would have to admit that Carisi wasn't entirely useless when he was shadowing me. Now that the trial's over, it'll be nice to have things back to normal without this millstone hanging around my neck. I...”

Barba stopped in mid-sentence and looked up when he heard a stack of papers fall unceremoniously to the floor in front of his desk. The ADA's green eyes widened in surprise when he saw the familiar tall, lanky, and loquacious Staten Island native with the luminous blue eyes and slicked back, light brown locks bending down to gather the papers that fell involuntarily from his long fingers.

Sonny kept his head down low and acted as though he was unaffected by what he just overheard. Normally he had no trouble keeping his emotions in check, but it was taking every fiber in his being to not fall apart in front of Barba. He didn't even know why he was reacting this way. After all, it wasn't a secret that a seasoned assistant district attorney like Barba tolerated the newest addition to Manhattan SVU up to a point. Sonny had always known that. And yet he stupidly allowed himself to believe that the great and mighty Rafael Barba was starting to respect him as a potential lawyer. He thought they were at least at a point where they could call each other colleagues. Evidently, that wasn't the case...at least where Barba was concerned.

“I'll call you back, Mason,” Barba replied in a dead-pan voice as he ended the call while staring at the younger man across his desk. There was no doubt that Sonny had heard what he said.

Barba rarely had any regrets for whatever came out of his mouth. However, he felt a tight knot form in his chest when Sonny finally looked up at him. The first thing that he noticed was Sonny's eyes. There was a profound sadness in them which made Barba feel uncomfortable. But it wasn't just sadness. There was also resignation, as if Sonny knew this would happen. It was disconcerting to see him beaten down. He was the most positive person Barba had ever met in his life.

“You forgot this file at the precinct this morning after our meeting. I was in the area and I wanted to save you a trip back,” the younger man replied softly while placing the manila folder on the desk.

There was no hint of his normally cheerful and effervescent self. Sonny couldn't help it. He couldn't pretend, not even for Barba. Anyone would have thought that Sonny was nursing a bruised ego. But this wasn't about hurt feelings or having thin skin. This was about Sonny being faced with reality, harsh as it was. Barba only saw him as a nuisance. An insignificant peon who cramped his style and invaded his personal space far too often. He didn't really care about him as a professional or as a person. Sonny knew that now. He just wished Barba would have been honest from the start. Didn't he at least deserve that much?

Ever since Sonny had dared to open his mouth in Barba's presence, it seemed liked he had earned the ire and disdain from the outspoken ADA, warranted or not. Sure, Sonny might have been an eager beaver for wanting to utilize what he had learned in law school and it annoyed most people, but his intentions were entirely earnest. Most times, he didn't even realize that he was rambling on. He was just trying to be a better cop and hopefully become a lawyer someday. Hell, he was more than half way there, even working full time at SVU. But shadowing Barba on the Hodda case was an opportunity Sonny couldn't pass up. And when Barba actually showed appreciation for his contributions, Sonny thought he had finally made a breakthrough and showed that he wasn't just a flash in the pan and that he could contribute on both sides of the law. He should have remembered to never make assumptions, especially with Rafael Barba.

“Thank you, detective,” Barba replied carefully. “Well, THIS isn't awkward. I don't know what to say.”

“That’s a first,” Sonny joked lightly, trying to break the awkward atmosphere. “I'll notify the press.”

Barba's eyebrows furrowed in concern as he immediately saw through the younger man's attempt at levity.

“Carisi, what you heard just now, I should explain...” Barba replied as he started to get up.

“No need to explain, counselor,” Sonny interrupted abruptly, not allowing Barba to get another word in. “I think I get the picture.”

Sonny headed towards the exit and reached for the door knob. He paused briefly to gather his thoughts before turning his head sideways to look at Barba. “All you had to do was tell me the truth. I would have backed off.”

For a split second, Barba contemplated going after Sonny when he left, but ultimately decided that perhaps this was the best solution for the both of them in the long run. Sonny was too soft and too emotional for his own good. That was why he was more suited as a detective in SVU rather than being involved with prosecuting. Barba worked alone and didn't need a sidekick slowing him down and cramping his style. And he was not about to change his ways after all these years for some wannabe lawyer in training.

“So why the hell do I feel like a first-class heel?” Barba muttered to himself.

* * *

“Carisi, can I talk to you for a moment?” Olivia Benson asked from her office.

“Sure thing, Lieutenant,” Sonny replied automatically. “What'd I do now?”

“Nothing,” she assured the younger detective as she closed the door behind them.

“Then what is it?”

“I've noticed that you haven't been your usual self lately. Is there anything you want to tell me?”

Sonny's blue eyes cast downward to the floor briefly. “Not really, because there's nothing to tell.”

“This is about Barba, isn't it?” Liv asked bluntly.

“I appreciate your concern, but everything is fine between us. What makes you think otherwise?”

“Oh, little things like you staying as far away from the ADA whenever he stops by. Avoiding having to talk to him directly him unless you have to. But the real giveaway was that you haven’t even mentioned any legal talk for a while now.”

He gave her a rueful expression in response. “I guess I need to work on being more subtle. That's me to a tee. Always putting my foot in my mouth at exactly the wrong time.”

“Carisi, I know that it hasn't always been easy for you since coming to SVU. But it doesn't matter what happened in the past. You're a part of the team now so there's no need to prove yourself to me or anyone else. So be honest with me. Did you have a fallout with Barba?”

Something inside Sonny felt compelled to tell her the reason for his personal malaise. She really did have a gift of making people want to confide in her despite their reservations. But he wasn't ready just yet. Anyway, this was between him and Barba.

“Nothing is going on, Liv. He did me a solid by allowing me to shadow him on the Hodda case. I just don't want to bother him more than I already have. That's all there is to it,” Sonny replied very carefully. He hoped he sounded convincing enough.

“Barba wouldn't have allowed you to follow along if he thought that you were going to be a detriment. And I wouldn't have allowed you to go if I didn't think it would be mutually beneficial. I know that he likes to needle you on occasion and he can be rough around the edges, but he does value your opinion and insight.”

Sonny gave her a doubtful look. “Silly me. And I thought he enjoyed busting my chops for kicks. We ARE talking about the same ADA Barba, right?”

“I know, I know,” Olivia replied patiently. “But don't let him fool you. His bark is worse than his bite.”

“Don't tell me he bites too?”

“You're avoiding the issue, Carisi. Come on. Level with me.”

“The truth is...I'm thinking about quitting law school,” Sonny replied softly.

Olivia's eyes widened in shock. No wonder he was acting out of sorts. “You've got to be kidding. Why?”

“It was just a hobby on the side. I can't be a lawyer and a detective at the same time. I couldn't do one without affecting the other.”

“That's not something you have to decide on right away. And it wasn't just a hobby. You've spent a lot time and energy on something worthwhile. You're almost there. Why stop now?”

“Because...because I just don't think I can do it anymore. I don't even know what I was thinking wanting to become a lawyer. I'm just some nobody from Staten Island that's been bounced around from more departments than I can count. I've never really belonged anywhere.”

“Carisi, I haven't known you that long, but I do know that you're good at what you do. And I know that you don't even know the meaning of the word, 'quit.' How many times have you gone above and beyond to get critical evidence for a case? Not to mention being able to look beyond the surface and seeing something worth saving. Busting perps is one thing, but making the conviction stick is another beast. Because you have the heart of a cop and the mind of a lawyer, you have a point of view that most of us don't even consider.”

“I always thought you guys hated it whenever I did any legalese talk.”

“Oh we still get annoyed sometimes,” Olivia quipped lightly. “But that's only because you were giving full symposiums on the subject when you started here.”

“Copy that,” Sonny admitted with a wry expression on his face. “After moving between so many departments, I guess I just wanted to prove that I could contribute here.”

Olivia crossed the gap between them and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“You were overcompensating, but it wasn't necessary. You're a good detective. And from what I've observed so far, you'll make a good lawyer as well.”

“Wish I had your confidence.”

“This isn't like you to let one incident stop you from achieving your goal. I can't tell you what to do when it comes to your personal life, but if you want my opinion, I think it would be a real damn shame for you to quit law school now. You don't want to live the rest of your life with regrets. That's no way to live.”

Sonny nodded in agreement. It was ironic that he needed reassurance when he was usually the one doing the reassuring for the people he considered as a second family.

“Thanks Lieutenant. I promise I'll think about it.”

“Good. Now why don't you take off a little early today since it's Friday? We can handle things without you.”

“I appreciate the thought, but I want to keep working.”

“It wasn't a suggestion,” Olivia replied firmly. “Think of it as a mental break. And with this law school decision looming over, I want your head clear and free of distractions. Is that understood?”

Sonny nodded his head affirmatively. “Understood. I guess it would be a nice surprise for my folks to come home early for our weekly get together.”

Olivia waited until Sonny went back to his desk before she pressed the speed dial for Barba's number on her cell phone.

“Barba? We need to talk.”


	2. Keeping Up with the Carisi's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww, thank you all for reading so far! It really does encourage me, in spite of some personal drama at the moment.  
> Anyway, I was in a groove and decided to finish Chapter 2 while I had the time. Enjoy!

Barba took a deep breath before knocking on the door of the modest mocha brown, semi-detached, two story-house nestled among other similar houses in Pleasant Plains, Staten Island. He should have been having dinner at Forlini's and maybe catching a show afterwards, which was his usual mode of relaxation on a Friday night. And yet here he was...lost in suburbia. It wasn't exactly in the ritzy part of town, but it was a far cry from the concrete jungles of the projects in the Bronx where Barba had spent his youth.

"What the hell am I doing here? Why am I even going through with this?" Barba muttered under his breath as pressed the doorbell buzzer when no one answered. Then he remembered why. Liv practically nagged at him nonstop until he couldn't take it anymore.

For a split second, he considered turning around and heading back to his comfortable apartment in Manhattan. It wasn't very often that he went out of his way to do something like this. Unfortunately, the decision had been taken out of his hands when the front door opened just as he was about to turn on his heel and leave.

"Counselor?" Sonny asked in complete surprise when he found the ADA standing right in front of him. It had been several weeks since their last unfortunate encounter in his office and the sting had not yet lost its effect on Sonny. He certainly hadn't expected Barba to reach out to him after all this time. "What are you doing here in Staten Island?"

For a moment, Barba was taken aback at a very casual looking Carisi wearing a baby blue pullover that almost matched his eyes and a pair of hip hugging denims that were just a bit too snug for his own good. Also, his light brown locks flowed freely over his forehead sans any hair care product, making him look even younger than he usually did even with a few gray hairs at his sideburns. It wasn't the first time he had seen him in a casual setting, but Barba had never seen Sonny literally in his own backyard and looking so eye-catching.

"I assure you, it's not to take in the local sights," Barba replied sarcastically. "And, since you've cut me off from all forms of communication, I had to resort to taking drastic measures. Do you know how many Carisi's there are in Staten Island alone?"

Barba had just come from another long session in court followed by traffic jam after traffic jam and he was in no mood to be civil. He was still dressed in an undoubtedly expensive pin striped charcoal gray suit that molded every curve of his body in all the right places. It had just the right amount of color and was accentuated with a black and raspberry striped tie with matching pocket square to complete the ensemble. Sonny even bet that his socks were coordinated as well. The man could carry just about any look and rock it without even trying. There was just something about him that exuded confidence, style, and panache daring anyone to ignore him.

Sonny did a quick look over his shoulder and then turned back to Barba with an almost hunted expression on his face. He leaned forward slightly so that only the other man could hear.

"Leave now," he muttered under his breath.

"Look Carisi, I know that you're mad at me, but I can't make things right if you're going to excommunicate me like some heretic."

"Trust me. It's for your own good."

"Junior? Who is it?" an older woman's voice called loudly from inside the house.

The younger man cringed before giving a look of resignation that screamed, "Too late."

"Just someone I work with, Ma," Sonny replied over his shoulder. "We're finished here. He was just leaving."

"I told you I'm not leaving until we sort this out between us," Barba replied stubbornly.

"Don't be such a rude host. Tell him to come in and meet the family," Sonny's mother chided her only son. "Dominick! Gina! Theresa! Come down here. Junior's co-worker came to visit."

"Ooo, I thought I heard a man's voice! I got first dibs!" a young woman's voice immediately replied as she practically ran down the stairs. She looked like slightly older version of Sonny's younger sister Bella, but with darker and more wavy hair. Another woman with similar features, but brandishing a chic and stylish pixie hair cut came quickly after and matched the younger woman stride for stride as they reached the front door at the same time to stake their claim.

"Gina, will you cool it? You're so immature. And besides, I'm older so I get first crack at him," replied Theresa as she looked over Barba with approving eyes. "So, how much do you make a year, handsome?"

"No way, Theresa! I'm not gonna let you get your money-grubbing hands on my man! I saw him first."

"Says you. Don't you have another engagement to break off?"

"At least I'm not after his bank account like SOME people I know."

"Yeah, you like to go after something else."

Sonny hung his head in embarrassment before he was immediately shoved aside as his sisters continued to argue right in front of Barba who was smiling in unbridled amusement. For the first time in a long while, Barba actually laughed without any malice or snark. From the silliness of the women arguing over a complete stranger to Sonny's mother calling her son " _Junior_ ", Barba couldn't help, but laugh. It was like he had walked into the middle of a sitcom, complete with dysfunctional family. With all the stress of the Terence Reynolds police shooting case, dealing with politicians, dealing his own boss, and being the recipient of several anonymous threats over the past few months, not to mention tackling some really draining SVU cases, it felt good to genuinely laugh again. Seeing Barba relaxed and actually laughing was truly a rare sight to behold as Sonny stared at him with wide eyes. Lately he seemed to be scowling most of the time. It was an almost surreal picture.

"Enough!" the patriarch of the Carisi family shouted which immediately silenced the two bickering women as he joined them at the front porch.

Dominick Carisi Sr. was quite an imposing figure in his own right. He was tall, well-built, had ashen colored hair that used to be brown, and sported a matching mustache that looked much better on him than it did on his only son. Even in his advanced age, he still towered over Sonny and then some. In contrast, his wife who had accompanied him, was smaller in stature with wavy, flaxen colored hair and had brilliant blue eyes. She must have been stunning in her youth. It was obvious that all the Carisi offspring had their mother's eyes.

"Dominick Carisi, Sr. This is my wife Rose and our two older girls, Theresa and Gina. You'll have to excuse them."

"Nice to meet you, sir," Barba replied politely while shaking the older man's hand and as well the rest of the Carisi clan. Sonny's sisters were practically drooling over Barba. He just turned up his usual charm to diffuse the situation. "No apologies are necessary, especially when I'm in the presence of three lovely ladies. I'm Manhattan Assistant District Attorney Rafael Barba."

"OOOHHH, so you're the infamous ADA Barba," Rose replied recognizing him from what Sonny told them. "I see you on the news once in a while. Junior talks about you all the time."

"Does he?" Barba replied silkily looking directly at Sonny, who was squirming slightly in embarrassment.

"Oh, yes. You're like his idol or something. But to be quite honest, you're not what I expected at all."

"I'm afraid my reputation can put people off upon first impressions. I hope I haven't given you that vibe, Mrs. Carisi."

"Oh don't get me wrong. I meant it in a good way. Junior made you sound like some sort of sarcastic, arrogant, know-it-all most of the time, but I don't get that impression so far."

Dominick Sr. gave his wife an imploring look to stop before things got worse, which was exactly what was going through Sonny's mind.

Barba quirked an eyebrow up as he gave Sonny one of his patented stare down courtroom looks. The younger man just wanted to crawl into a deep hole into the ground and disappear.

"Just comes with the territory ma'am. I apologize for the unannounced visit, especially on a Friday night but it was something that couldn't wait. Would it be all right to speak with Cari..if I speak with  _Sonny_  for a moment?"

"Oh, of course you may. Why don't the two of you talk in the living room? We'll go into the kitchen. You girls can help me put the finishing touches for dinner. Take all the time you need, Mr. Barba."

"But Ma," both Gina and Theresa implored simultaneously.

One searing glare from the Carisi matriarch was enough to send the bickering sisters away so that Sonny was left alone with Barba.

"Your family is very...interesting," Barba noted in amusement after Sonny ushered him into the small, but comfortable living room so that they could talk in private. If Sonny had to guess, his family was probably hovering behind the kitchen door in the next room in unison, with their ears pressed up against the door to eavesdrop with this mother leading the way.

"I warned you, didn't I? Anyways, I thought you didn't want to be bothered with this millstone around your neck?"

"Now, now,  _Junior_. No need to get snarky."

The veins in Sonny's forehead looked like they were about to burst. He had always hated that nickname. Only his parents ever used it to address him by name. "Don't call me that."

"All right. I won't call you Junior," Barba replied crossing the gap between them, "IF you give me a good reason for why you're thinking of quitting law school."

"How did you...?" Sonny replied in confusion. And then he immediately realized who the culprit was that spilled the beans. "Oh."

" _Oh_ , is right. I got an earful from Liv for about half an hour. And you know how persuasive she can be when she believes in something."

"So the only reason you're here is to get Liv off your back," Sonny replied sarcastically. "Well you're relieved of your duty, counselor. I'm not your responsibility. And for that matter, I DON'T have to answer to you."

"The hell you don't. If you want to quit law school, then fine. Knock yourself out. But I won't let you blame me for your decision without a chance to give my side of the story. And for the record, I didn't force you to do anything. I'm just a convenient scapegoat you chose to pin the blame on for your own issues."

"That's NOT what I'm doing."

"Then what would you call it? You were doing just fine before I came along. What I say or do shouldn't make that big of a difference in the grand scheme of things. You knew what you were getting into when you came up with this idea about shadowing me."

"I never said that I didn't appreciate the opportunity. But you should have refused my request upfront and you should have been completely honest if you didn't want me bothering you in the first place. I don't need charity and I'm not some object for your amusement."

"Did I ever say that you were bothering me?" Barba shot back.

"You didn't have to. Call me crazy but when someone says ' _He annoys me to no end_ ', I do believe that's a basis for bothering said person."

"It seems that I underestimated you, Carisi. I thought you were serious about becoming a lawyer. But you're being immature and giving up law school because of one little incident. An incident based on circumstantial evidence, no less. For your information, I was referring to the situation as a whole and not you personally, when I made the comment about the millstone around my neck. That Hodda case was tough on everyone involved and it was a relief off my shoulders when we were able to finally nail him in the end and put the case to bed. If you hadn't made assumptions and allowed me to present my side of the story, I could have told you that."

"So it's my fault then."

"You should be getting used to that by now," Barba replied snarkily.

"All right, fine. You weren't referring to me, personally. What about everything else you said? Or am I supposed to brush that off as well?"

"Carisi, you've known me long enough to know that I'm a straight shooter when it comes my personality. I don't sugarcoat anything and I'm going to be frankly honest."

"You mean callous and blunt," Sonny corrected him.

"That's how I am. Take it or leave it. Sometimes it's necessary to step on some toes in order get justice served. If you're going to become a lawyer and especially a prosecutor, heaven help us, then you're going to have to learn to have thick skin in this business and have a short memory by not taking things personally. In my position, you can't please everyone. The sooner you realize this, the better off you're going to be."

"Don't patronize me, Barba. I think I know the difference between perception and reality. You can't deny that your description of me to the person on the other side of the phone wasn't exactly flattering."

"All right. Guilty as charged on that count. You'll be glad to know that my friend was on your side the entire conversation, by the way. But in my defense, you wouldn't be reacting this way if you hadn't come to my office at that precise moment. Not to mention eavesdropping on my private conversation. And in the court of public opinion, that evidence against me would be inadmissible all day and twice on Sundays. I'm the one that should be angry here."

Sonny looked down at the floor in contemplation to avoid looking at Barba. Of course he was right…as usual. It was easier to blame Barba than for Sonny to admit his own insecurities and shortcomings. After all, no one likes to be told that they're a bother; especially not by someone who you aspire to become and emulate professionally. Barba was the only one who understood what Sonny was going through trying to pass the bar, but he also knew how much hard work it required especially coming from a humble background. He had been there before and he could see what the other cops could not see through the eyes of a lawyer. Perhaps Sonny had put Barba on such a high pedestal, that he forgot that he was also human.

Sometimes Sonny forgot just how difficult of a position that Barba was in being an ADA in Manhattan, prosecuting SVU cases, playing the politics game, swallowing his pride, and sometimes having to step on some toes, just like he said. And yet, he still gave up his precious time to work with Sonny and help prepare him for the bar exam whenever he could. That's what hit Sonny the hardest when he overheard Barba's less than flattering phone conversation. When he thought that support system was no longer there, he had a severe panic attack that undermined his confidence in himself and made him lose sight of his goals. Plus the fact that he was incredibly hurt by what he had heard. Fortunately, Barba was able to knock some sense back into his befuddled brain and snap him out of his pity party. It was exactly what Sonny needed. A dose of tough love.

"You're absolutely right," Sonny replied softly.

Barba was momentarily thrown off, but disguised it well. He was used to sparring verbally with Sonny, but he didn't expect him to acquiesce so readily, even though Sonny had every right to be ticked off under the circumstances. In the beginning, the young detective had to take the not so good-natured ribbing and verbal abuse he got from Barba with a roll of the eyes or helpless shrug since he was the new kid on the block at the time. It was just so easy to tease Sonny. Plus, it was fun. Barba could always count on getting a rise out of Sonny, but it never got too out of hand because Barba knew that he could handle it. And added to the fact that he wanted to see what kind of mental fortitude the detective had.

As Sonny settled in to his role and gained confidence, he took the teasing in stride, even returning some occasionally sassy comments of his own. Now it was like a game between them. As time passed, even Barba had to admit that Sonny was spot-on with his theories and hunches more than once during their investigations, proving that he was no fluke. And that meant that he was in fact, a competent detective and was on the path to becoming a competent lawyer as well. And that also meant that Barba had to respect him on a professional level, albeit sometimes begrudgingly. But he wasn't going to tell Sonny that.

When Liv had informed him of Sonny's intentions to quit law school, he felt even more guilty than before. Truth be told, Barba was planning to see him anyways, but Sonny had avoided him at every turn, refusing to discuss the elephant in the room. Barba hated to think that Sonny would just give up his life's goal just because of a misunderstanding. And especially because of Barba, himself.

"Excuse me? I didn't quite hear that," Barba replied in fake innocence. "Did I actually hear you admit that I was right, detective?"

"Don't push it, counselor," he warned, which earned a smirk from Barba and a reluctant smile from Sonny himself. There was peace in the land again.

"I take it this means that you'll be continuing your path to becoming a lawyer, then?"

"Yeah. I've made it this far. It would be a shame not to finish what I started."

"How pragmatic of you."

"Don't get me wrong. I want this more than anything I've ever wanted before in my life. Deep down, I knew that I wasn't going to really quit. I think I just needed to get it out of my system. You know what it was like in the final year of law school and how tough it was."

"I gather, it was a cathartic moment for you."

"Something like that," the detective smiled ruefully. "But I think I'll be okay now."

Barba gave a slight tilt of his head with an unreadable expression on his face. "Then my work here is done. Maybe I can salvage the rest of this evening after all."

"Thanks for stopping by. I really appreciate it."

"I didn't do it for you. I only did it to get Liv off my back, like you said."

Sonny smiled knowingly. Barba was back to his usual self. "Of course, counselor."

"Mr. Barba, are you leaving already?" Rose asked in surprise as the rest of the Carisi clan entered the living room.

"Yes, ma'am. I'm afraid I've overstayed my welcome."

"Not at all. We're just glad Junior has someone like you in his corner to look out for him. We know how much of a handful he can be."

"You don't have to tell me twice."

Sonny gave him an annoyed look and Barba just flashed a charming smile in response, which only made Sonny even more annoyed.

"I know, right? Did you know that when he was five years old, he thought that he could fly so he jumped out of his bedroom window to prove it?"

"Good thing he landed on the awning," Gina chimed in.

Not to be outdone by her sister, Theresa also added, "Yeah, my brother, the cop. And now he wants to be a lawyer. Good luck with that one."

" _Kill me now_ ," Sonny implored silently up to the heavens.

Barba bit his lower lip to keep from laughing out loud. "I wish I could have been there to see that."

"Would you settle for dinner instead? It would be our way of showing our appreciation for helping out Junior."

"That's very tempting, Mr. Carisi, but I don't want to inconvenience your family."

"Call me Dominick. And there's plenty for everyone," Dominick Sr. replied. "My Rosie here has never let anyone leave this house with an empty stomach."

"Pop, I'm sure the ADA has other plans already and he would like to get going."

"Actually, I don't. The roads are probably still crowded anyway and dinner sounds like a better proposition than sitting in traffic."

Sonny almost did a double take. Was Barba actually serious?

"Are you SURE you don't have other business to attend to?" Sonny asked coaxingly. He didn't enjoy the prospect of an entire evening of his family regaling amusing and embarrassing anecdotes about his life to Barba. It was like giving him a loaded gun to blackmail him with in the future.

"Junior! Stop being so rude," Rose chastised Sonny sternly. Theresa and Gina both elbowed him in the ribs on either side as well, causing him to double over slightly in pain.

"Nope. My itinerary for the evening is clear."

"That settles it then," Rose replied in satisfaction as she linked her arm through Barba's arm while ushering him into the dining room. Meanwhile Gina and Theresa looked on in envy. Dominick Sr. just put a hand around his son's shoulder in sympathy.

Poor Sonny couldn't do a single thing about it, and Barba knew it.

* * *

 

"Please thank your family for dinner for me. Your mother is a terrific cook," Barba said as he was getting ready to leave.

"She'll be ecstatic to hear that. I can't believe that she even extended you an open invitation to come over anytime you're in the neighborhood," Sonny replied shaking his head from side to side in disbelief.

"Maybe I just might take her up on that offer. It was quite an enjoyable experience that I wouldn't have missed for the world."

"Of course, you enjoyed it. You weren't the one in the hot seat all night. I felt like I was the one on trial."

"That's why it was so pleasant," Barba replied teasingly. "Who knew you were such a troublemaker as a kid?"

Sonny rolled his eyes in exasperation, but there was no malice behind it. Things were really back to normal.

"I'm glad I could oblige. It's a good thing the statute of limitations for my youthful misadventures have expired. Oh, and um, I'm sorry for my sisters ogling you all night long and fawning all over you. They're harmless more or less, but when it comes to men, all bets are off. You're lucky you got out in one piece."

"Why Detective Carisi, how kind of you to be concerned about maintaining my virtue. Don't tell me you were jealous?"

"Come on," Sonny replied dismissively in his distinctive Staten Island accent. "I admire you, counselor, but not THAT much."

"The feeling is mutual, detective. I take it you'll be dropping by my office next week, as usual?"

"You mean, it's still okay to continue working with you, even though the Hodda case is done?"

"Well if you'd rather not, I think I can find other things to occupy my time."

"No, no, no, that'd be great! I just wasn't sure if YOU would be all right with it. I mean I didn't want to assume, all things considering with your work load and you know...what happened earlier."

"Didn't I say that having short term memory was necessary at times?"

At that moment, Sonny gained more respect for Barba if it was even possible.

"Oh, and one more thing, Carisi," Barba noted as had his hand on the front door knob. "You should leave your hair up away from your face. It looks better, especially with a shorter cut. And maybe lay off on the pomade just a bit so the hairstyle doesn't look so severe."

"Huh?" Sonny asked in complete confusion. Since when did Barba give out fashion tips? Or care about Sonny's appearance for that matter? "You're kidding, right?"

"Actually, I'm being quite serious."

"Let me get this straight. Are you saying that you LIKE my hair that way?"

"I'm SAYING that jurors more often than not will tend to take you more seriously based on your appearance. But whatever."

"Okaaaay," Sonny replied cautiously. "I'll keep that mind. G'night, counselor."

"Good night,  _Junior_."

Sonny was about to say a snappy comeback, but sighed and decided to let it go as he watched Barba saunter down the brick steps to his car with his distinctive swagger. He could have sworn that Barba was still laughing as he drove away into the night.

* * *

_Oh these two :)_

_Barba, you know you admire Sonny. And Sonny, who are you trying to kid?_


	3. Never Take No for An Answer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny takes a page out of Barba's book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place after episode 17x17 (Manhattan Transfer)
> 
> I'm on a roll. Hopefully I won't run out of ideas ;)
> 
> As always, thank you for reading and the kind comments!

"You're in a better mood these days," Rollins noted as a visibly more amiable Carisi was cleaning up his desk before his meeting with Barba at his office. "Something good happen?"

Sonny grinned and flashed his dimples. He had good reason to be in a better mood since he was finally finished with night school. Even better than that, he had recently taken the bar exam and did okay. Hopefully it was enough to pass, but Sonny wasn't going to hold his breath until he saw the results with his own eyes.

Even though there was no real need to meet with Barba any longer, the ADA didn't say to stop which was fine by Sonny. Any extra information he could glean from Barba's vast experience was just icing on the cake. In fact, Barba seemed a little less snarky lately, if that was at all possible. He was actually amenable towards Sonny, which was nothing short of a miracle. Sonny often wondered if this change coincided with the time when he had expressed his gratitude to Barba for allowing them to work together. He would never forget the look on the older man's face. It was a mixture of surprise, wonder, and dare he say, humility.

"Probably got lucky last night, right?" Fin added as he sat back in his chair.

"Is that all you can think about? And anyway, it's nothing like that. I'm just glad I'm done with the bar exam."

"That's great! When do you find out the results?" Rollins replied, genuinely happy for him.

"In a couple of weeks. I'm gonna be a wreck until then so I'm apologizing up front."

"Thanks for the warning," Fin replied sarcastically.

"Hey, can you two cover for me? I gotta get going."

"Okay, but I want coffee in the morning. Real coffee. Not some pretentious  _bougie_  kind."

"You got it. Black, two sugars, no cream."

"And some of that zeppolé, too," Rollins chimed in. "The cream filled ones."

Sonny nodded as he slipped into his camel hair overcoat. "Didn't you say that you were on a diet, Amanda?"

The look Rollins gave him was indescribable. If looks could kill, they would have. Fin didn't even try to hide his laughter.

"But uh, you don't have to worry about that," Sonny replied quickly and left before those dagger looks became real daggers.

* * *

 "Detective Carisi, you're right on time," Barba's personal assistant greeted him cordially when he strolled into the lobby of Barba's office at 1 Hogan Place later that same day.

"Afternoon Carmen. Is the boss in a good mood today?"

Her face immediately changed expressions.

"Actually, he's been pretty quiet since yesterday. To be honest, I'm beginning to get worried."

"Wow. Something must be really bothering him."

"I know, right? Usually when Mr. Barba is upset or annoyed he has a tantrum or cancels his meetings so he can work without disruption, but nada. He hasn't even raised his voice. I can handle the impatience and temper tantrums. But I've never seen him like this."

Sonny's eyebrows furrowed in concern upon hearing this latest news. "I'll see what I can do."

Carmen gave him a grateful smile in response before he went in. Sonny found Barba standing by the window gazing outside with a distant look on his face. His hands were shoved inside the pockets of his navy blue dress slacks and his shoulders were taut with unspoken tension. The muscles in his neck and face were also strained. It was rare to see Barba unguarded and somewhat vulnerable. It was like he was stripped bare of all his defenses. It was jarring to see him so exposed and Sonny didn't like it one bit.

"Counselor?"

"Carisi, what are you doing here?" Barba asked in genuine surprise as he turned in his direction.

"Um, it's Wednesday. Did you forget our meeting?" Sonny replied closing the door behind him and entering the spacious office. "We were going to go cover forfeiture laws."

Barba shook his head slightly to bring him out of his self-introspection as he realized he had indeed forgotten about it. He pinched the bridge of his nose to ease his migraine, before turning his attention back to Sonny.

"Now's not a good time. Would you object to re-scheduling?"

"Oh, sure. No problem. I'll speak with Carmen on my way out. Um, I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you don't look like your usual self."

"I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or an insult."

"It's a valid concern," Carisi replied carefully. "Carmen's worried about you."

"And you, detective?"

"I'm worried about you too. I know we're not exactly the best of friends, but I do consider you as someone important to me. If something is bothering you, I'm a pretty good listener. After all, you were there for me."

Barba's expression softened for a brief moment before putting on the mask of indifference. "And as I recall, that was done under protest."

Sonny flashed his patented smile that made the crow's feet next to his blue eyes even more prominent. Now THAT was the Barba he knew.

"But you still came all the way to Staten Island, gritting through rush hour traffic when you could have dropped by the station at any time to smooth things over between us. Underneath all that sarcastic bluster, you do have a heart."

Barba turned to walk back to his desk and plopped into his chair tiredly. THAT was the problem. His latest encounter with Liv had affected him more than he wanted to let on and was the sole reason for his mood. He felt betrayed by someone he considered a friend and a confidante when she inadvertently revealed that she was seeing Tucker on the down low. It was more like Barba had to drag it out of her. The one thing that he despised the most was being blindsided. And now he had to basically return the favor by "tattling" on them or risk being viewed as an accomplice in a cover up and thereby, compromising their current case.

Barba had learned a harsh lesson after the Alex Muñoz debacle and vowed never to let the same thing happen again. As an ADA and a representative of the DA's office, he had to tell One PP what was going on. It was the right thing to do and it was the ethical thing to do. And it would cover their asses by providing full disclosure as well as showing impartiality. But Liv wasn't going to see it that way once the hammer dropped. He just hoped they could salvage their working relationship when all was said and done. With any luck, he might get away with just a verbal tongue lashing.

"All right Carisi, you've done your good deed for the day. You can go home now. I'll be fine."

"Liar."

"Excuse me?" Barba replied raising an eyebrow. "Would you like to clarify that, detective?"

Sonny walked up to him and perched himself on the desk, letting his long legs hang over the edge, which earned him an annoyed glare from Barba.

"This mood you're in wouldn't have anything to do with IAB's involvement in our current case, would it?" Sonny asked astutely.

"I suppose you wouldn't believe me if I said no."

"Let me guess. You're getting more heat from the head honchos, am I right?"

"Among other things," Barba replied cryptically. "Besides, what else is new?"

Sonny looked at him pensively before responding.

"Someone, who shall be nameless, once told me ' _If you're going to become a lawyer, you're going to have to learn to have thick skin and a short memory. You can't please everyone_.' If that advice was good enough for me, then it's good enough for you. Physician, heal thyself."

"I knew that was going to come back to haunt me."

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, counselor. Whatever's going on, I'm sure you did what you thought was best under the circumstances."

"You don't even know what I did. For all you know, I could be involved in this current mess we're in with IAB and the Catholic Church."

"I know enough to know that if that were true, you would have immediately recused yourself from the case. You have too much integrity and respect for the law."

"And you have too much faith, Carisi. Don't you ever get disappointed or disillusioned by people who've let you down?"

"Sure, I do. But I can only control what I can. The rest, I leave to a higher power. I don't always understand why things happen the way they do. But what I do know is that they happen for a reason."

"That's rather trite and simplistic," Barba stated bluntly.

"But true, nonetheless."

"Not everything is always black and white, detective. I've done some things in my past that I'm not exactly proud of. But given the circumstances, I've always tried to do the right thing. That's a very fine line to walk...and very big fall when it backfires."

"Nobody is perfect. Everyone messes up at one time or another. That's why pencils have erasers."

Barba reluctantly felt the corners of this mouth turn up in amusement.

"First biblical quotes, and now overused clichés. Maybe you should become a counselor and start charging for the privilege."

"Well, with any luck I WILL be a counselor in a few weeks," Sonny replied tongue-in-cheek. "Say, when was the last time you had any fun?"

"Define fun."

"Having nothing to do with the press, the courts, the politicians, or One PP."

"By that definition, I don't think I've had any fun in over a year."

"Then you're long overdue. Tell you what. Why don't we play hooky and leave early, get something to eat and not even think about work for the rest of tonight? It'll be my treat."

"Carisi, I really don't think this is a good time for that. Besides, I have tons of work."

"When is it ever a good time? There's always gonna be work and it'll still be there when you get back. You gotta eat, don't you? If you want my opinion..."

"Which I don't," Barba interrupted.

"Well, I'm gonna give it to you anyway. I think you need to get away from whatever it is that's got you in this mood. It's not healthy and you need a mental break. You're not doing yourself any favors by working non-stop and ignoring your needs."

"Thank you for your professional diagnosis, Dr. Carisi. Now leave me alone or I'll sue you for practicing without a license."

"Do you want me bugging you all night long until you give in? Because I'm not above doing that."

"You wouldn't dare," Barba replied in disbelief.

"Oh believe me, I would. Did you know that I bribed my sisters whenever they came home past curfew?"

"And I thought you were such a goody two shoes."

"That'll teach you. You know, I don't mind camping out on your couch and waiting until you change your mind about dinner. It looks pretty comfy to me."

"That's blackmail."

Sonny almost burst out laughing at Barba's appalled expression. He clearly didn't expect Sonny to have such a ruthless streak in him.

"Oh come now, let's not call it that," he replied cajolingly.

"That's what it is."

"I prefer to call it positive reinforcement."

"I don't care what damn euphemism you use. It's still blackmail."

"So arrest me."

"Don't tempt me," Barba replied. "Oh, I get it. This is payback for Staten Island, isn't it?"

"That wasn't my intention, but it would be an added bonus now that you mention it. Come on. It's only for a few hours. I'll even drive you back to the office if you still want to go back to work. Scout's honor."

"Like YOU were ever a boy scout with all the trouble you got into as a kid."

"I never said that I was a good one. Well? What's it gonna be, counselor?"

Barba rolled his eyes and let out an exasperated sigh. "I don't have any choice, do I?"

"Nope," Sonny replied, grinning from ear to ear. He finally beat Barba at his own game. "Cheer up. Who knows? You might even enjoy it."

Barba scoffed skeptically as he slowly got up and slipped into his blazer jacket before pressing the intercom on his desk.

"Carmen, please re-schedule any remaining appointments for today. If anyone asks, tell them I was kidnapped by Detective Carisi."

"Yes, sir," Carmen replied automatically, while suppressing a giggle.

* * *

 

_Upload Date: 31October2017_


	4. An Unofficial Date...Maybe...Sort Of

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny and Barba try to outdo each other in the cuteness department as they go on their first date. Neither of them thinks of it as a date, but we know better, don't we?
> 
> Happy reading!

 "As much as it pains me to say this, you were right about this place, Carisi. This spanakopita is out of this world," Barba stated while alternating between mouthfuls of the flaky savory dish and a glass of his favorite beer.

Usually scotch or whiskey was his choice of beverage especially when Barba wanted to unwind, but hey, when in Rome...or in this case, Greece. He had even felt adventurous enough to try some grilled octopus with ouzo as an appetizer. And he was definitely getting spoiled lately, what with Mrs. Carisi's Italian home cooking and the Greek taverna where he and Sonny were currently dining in. But he wasn't going to complain. It certainly was better than his original plan of grabbing something to go at the corner sandwich shop near his office and having a working dinner, like he did most nights lately.

"Told you so. This place has the best Greek food this side of Manhattan," Sonny replied, gesturing emphatically with his free hand as he ate a big mouthful of moussaka. He was positively beaming with pride at getting Barba to say something positive for a change.

Sonny initially thought that Barba might balk at the idea of coming to a family style restaurant since it was on the off beaten path and probably not up to his high standards of haute cuisine, but he figured it was just what Barba needed. A place where he could lay low and just relax, enjoy some home-cooking, and forget his troubles, even it was for a few hours. Sometimes the best tasting food came from the most inconspicuous places. Sonny was rewarded for his efforts by the sheer enjoyment on the ADA's face as Barba dived with gusto into every dish that Sonny ordered. He never realized that Barba was such a foodie. Well, Ma always said that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach. And so far Barba was proving that old adage to be true in this case.

"How did you find this place anyway? I've been in Manhattan all this time and I've never heard of Daphne's Taverna."

"I happened to stumble upon it one night after a late group study session. Unfortunately, I was in such a hurry to leave for class that I left my wallet at the precinct. I was mortified when the bill came. I'm usually so good about these things."

"You mean you ate first without checking to see if you had any money?" Barba asked incredulously. "And you call yourself a cop."

"I was hungry," Sonny replied, sounding petulant. "Fortunately, the owner took pity on my poor hungry soul and let me pay him back later, which I did the next day. One taste and I was hooked ever since. Lately, it's been so crazy with work and school that I haven't gotten a chance to visit as much as I would like to."

"Speaking of which, when do you think you'll get the results of the bar exam?"

"In a couple of weeks. I'll be a nervous wreck until then, but I'm glad to be sleeping normal hours again. Lately, I feel like the walking dead."

"I'm still wondering how you were ever able to finish law school at night while working full time at SVU. You must have a death wish."

"I often wonder myself, counselor. But it'll be worth it if I pass."

"Carisi, we're away from the office and not discussing work. You don't have to keep calling me  _counselor_."

"Oh, okay," Sonny replied, slightly nervous at being more familiar with Barba to the point where he had permission to address him so casually. Up to that moment, Sonny had little to no leverage to call him anything else _._

"What do you like to go by? Rafael? Raf? Rafi?"

Barba gave him a death stare. "How did you know about that last one?"

"I remember hearing Amaro mentioning it awhile back. He said that your old friends used to call you that back in the day."

"That was a long time ago," Barba replied softly.

Ever since the indictment on his childhood friend Alex Muñoz, he hadn't heard from Eddy or Yelina for that matter. Not that he was expecting to hear from them any time soon. Eddy perhaps, but definitely not his ex-flame; not after the way things ended with Alex. Barba knew from the moment he turned over the damning evidence to the special prosecutor, that things would never be the same with his old friends from the hood. Or with Yelina.

It's not that Barba was ashamed of his roots. He just didn't want to be constantly reminded of the years of struggling to make ends meet, surviving from paycheck to paycheck without any form of financial security. Not to mention wearing hand-me downs and having to make do with what his family had, because there was no other choice. Even getting to and from school without getting jumped was just a fact of life. There was no guarantee of one's safety even in school with the gang of bullies that went around tormenting other kids. Barba had been no exception.

Well, HE was the one calling the shots now and he didn't have to do without anymore. Barba would never forget his roots, nor would he want to, but hearing his old moniker again, especially by Sonny, brought all those memories flooding back. For some reason, hearing Sonny say his nickname hit Barba particularly hard, but he was damned if he knew why. Perhaps Mason was right in that Sonny reminded Barba of himself. Albeit it some strange way.

"Rafael is fine. You do understand Carisi, that you're not allowed to casually address me like this at work though,  _capisce_? After all, I still have a reputation to maintain."

"I don't know. I kinda like Rafi," Sonny teased, knowing it would annoy him. "Can I call you Rafi instead?"

"NO," Barba replied emphatically without even considering otherwise. "Or would you prefer me to make your life a living hell? You're not the only one capable of blackmail."

Sonny laughed as he held up his hands in defeat. "I give up. Rafael it is. Tell me something. I've always wondered, how come you don't call me  _Sonny_?"

"Liv doesn't call you that, does she?"

"Now that I think about it, I guess she doesn't."

"Then I don't have to justify myself. Besides, calling you  _Sonny_  makes me sound like an old man."

Sonny was about to respond when Barba immediately intercepted him, "Don't even THINK about it."

Sonny tried very hard not to smile, but it was hard not to.

"Ah, Sonny! I thought I heard your voice," a slightly rotund man with a thick mustache and a receding hairline called out as he walked up to their booth.

"Stavros!" he replied warmly as he got up to give the other man a big bear hug. "I haven't seen you in ages."

Barba could see that Sonny really did have a knack of connecting with people. He certainly wasn't shy about showing his emotions or displaying affection. That wasn't such a bad thing sometimes.

"And whose fault is that, hm? Maria asks about you all the time."

"Sorry, work and school keep me busy."

"Your mama and papa must be so proud. So, you a lawyer yet?

"I'm working on it. Stavros, this is a friend of mine who's here for the first time. Rafael Barba, meet Stavros Giannopolus, the owner of this fine establishment and a good friend of mine."

"Ah, you must be the big shot assistant district attorney that Sonny always talks about," Stavros replied shaking Barba's hand. "You couldn't be anyone else."

Barba decided to be gracious and let the comment about being a big shot pass, since it was most likely Sonny's words he was parroting.

"My compliments to the chef, Mr. Giannopolus. Everything is delicious."

"How kind of you, Mr. Barba. We always love to hear when people enjoy our food. And because you're a friend of Sonny's, I'll have your waiter bring some skaltsounia for dessert. On the house."

"Thanks Stavros," Sonny chimed in before the older man went back into the kitchen. "And say hi to Maria for me." He sat back down and turned his attention back to Barba. "You're in for a real treat. Skaltsounia is usually made during Easter, but it's so tasty that Stavros added it to the regular menu."

"Carisi, do you always have this habit of telling everyone you know, about who I am and what I do for a living? What are you going to do next? Tell the mailman what brand of mouthwash I use?"

Sonny gave Barba an embarrassed smile. "Sorry. Sometimes I can't help myself especially when it comes to singing your praises. Liv told me how you came from humble beginnings and made it to Harvard Law School on scholarship. It gives me hope that someday, I can become even half the lawyer that you are."

Barba couldn't help thinking how adorable Sonny looked at that moment, all embarrassed, yet owning up to his admiration for his unofficial mentor. Not that it was a secret to anyone with two eyes, but it was still flattering nonetheless. All year long, it seemed like Barba was the unlucky recipient of anonymous threats, reprimands, and general all-round hate, especially from people who were supposedly on the same side of the law. It was the price for being an ADA, for which Barba had been prepared to accept as part of the job, but it didn't mean that he wasn't human. The only ray of light came from Sonny, for which he was aptly named. It admittedly felt good whenever Sonny praised him for a job well done on a tough case or when he just needed moral support, even though Barba never asked for it. Sonny just always seemed to be there for him. Perhaps that was all the younger man ever wanted to do.

"I guess I've always had the gift of gab. My parents can testify to that. Unfortunately, I never seem to know when to stop," Sonny rambled a little self-consciously.

"You don't have to tell me twice. If I didn't stop you once in a while, you would just continue to ramble on."

Sonny gave a small self-deprecating chuckle in response. "At least I'm better now than I was when I first started at Manhattan SVU."

"The jury's still out on that one," Barba replied dryly. He just couldn't help himself.

"And at least you don't hate me anymore."

"I never hated you, Carisi."

"Really? No fooling?" Sonny asked eagerly as his eyes lit up. He looked like an excited puppy. If he had a tail, it probably would have been wagging back and forth.

" _Damn it, he's being adorable again_ ," Barba thought silently to himself.

With those gorgeous heavenly blue eyes, rosy pink lips, and irresistible dimples (all three of them), it was a wonder he wasn't already spoken for. He had definitely upped his game in the fashion and grooming department over the last year which Barba silently approved of. Barba's unspoken favorite was the dark periwinkle blue three-piece suit with the white pin-striped shirt and matching periwinkle tie. It was not only the right color for him, but it showed off his ridiculously lean body and his length. When dressed appropriately, Sonny was downright handsome.

Barba had to mentally wipe the image from of his mind. Did he actually entertain the notion that Detective Dominick 'Sonny' Carisi Jr. was attractive?

"Yes, really. When you began to dial it back a bit, I actually started seeing some glimpses of the real Carisi. The one who will stop at nothing to make sure that justice is served. You should have done that from the beginning instead of trying to be someone you weren't."

"Well, maybe I wouldn't have to do that if SOME people weren't so damned dismissive every time I opened my mouth," Sonny shot back with a twinkle in his eyes.

Barba was willing to play along. "Well maybe if SOME people had stated more than just the obvious, I would have been more receptive."

"I was just trying to be helpful. Some mentor YOU are."

"Regurgitating what I already know doesn't impress me. Thinking outside of the box does."

"Did you have to say  _regurgitate_ while we're eating?"

"Duly noted," Barba replied in agreement. "I guess it wasn't an entirely fruitless endeavor. If you hadn't been so eager to impress me, I wouldn't have found out how fun it was to give you grief. I could always count on getting a rise out of you every time like..."

" _A broken clock_?" Sonny finished for him as call back to one of their earlier cases.

Barba's gaze on the younger man softened. He was surprised that Sonny even remembered that little dig.

"Exactly. I have to admit that you've gotten better with time. At least you got rid of that gawd-awful mustache."

"Hey, I'll have you know that I was proud of that mustache. I thought it made me look distinguished and mature."

"It made you look like a cheap porn star."

"Hm. Maybe I should grow it back," Sonny replied grinning impishly. "Since you seem to like it sooo much."

"Don't you dare! I like you better without it. I mean...it's better for you, professionally."

Sonny couldn't stop grinning. It was the second time Barba had complimented him on his appearance within the past few weeks. It was doing wonders for his confidence. And Sonny was beginning to find it very addictive.

"What else do you like about me?"

"I plead the fifth on the grounds that it may incriminate me," Barba replied quickly.

Sonny just continued grinning that goofy smile of his.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please," Stavros announced from the center of the room, blissfully sparing Barba from explaining any further. "We're so glad that you joined us. Here at Daphne's Taverna, we not only provide good food, but also a good time. So please join us for our nightly traditional group dance. Don't be shy. We're all family here."

A troupe of musicians strolled and began playing a lively folk tune while several dancers in costumes began going throughout the audience and pulling people from their tables to join them.

"Come on, Rafael. It's great for working off all that good food," Sonny encouraged as he got up from the table.

"You're not actually serious, are you?" Barba asked incredulously. He had no intention of making a fool of himself in public.

"Why not?"

"I can think of a dozen reasons why not. I don't dance well in front of an audience for starters."

"I find that hard to believe, considering the way you dance around in court. It's like poetry in motion."

"That's totally different from performance art, you plebeian."

"Well if you're gonna bother with technicalities. If it will make you feel better, they don't allow any photography or filming so it won't be on any social media. Only the taverna is allowed to film for promotional purposes and even then you would need to sign a consent form in order to release it. Listen, we're all amateurs anyway and they make the steps super easy to follow. And with me flailing around, no one will even notice you."

Barba gave him a wary look in response. With Sonny looking at him so earnestly, he could feel his defenses slipping.

"You wouldn't want to deprive yourself of the opportunity of seeing me make a fool of myself up close, would you?" Sonny replied coaxingly while tilting his head to the side and smiling gently.

It was amazing how convincing Sonny could be even with someone who was as stubborn as Barba was. But then again, Barba had always been a sucker for dimples. And with Sonny looking at him like that, he couldn't refuse. If he wasn't careful, he could find himself very seriously interested in a certain detective from Staten Island. Hell must have frozen over.

"You breathe one word of this to anyone, and I'll make sure Liv puts you on double shifts until the end of the century."

* * *

"You are such a liar," Sonny commented as they pulled up to Barba's office building. "Why didn't you tell me you could dance?"

"It's not something I want broadcasted to the entire world. Besides, I haven't danced like that for a very long time. I thought I would fall flat on my face."

"But you were terrific! The entire restaurant gave you a standing ovation. Everyone was chanting for an encore."

"People appreciate talent when they see it," Barba replied smugly.

"Face it Rafael, you're a showman no matter what you do. Whether it's dancing up a storm in a restaurant or doing a summation in court. Being a showman is in your blood."

"Are you saying that I'm an attention hog, Carisi?"

"Oink, oink," Sonny replied facetiously. "And where did you learn to dance like that anyway?"

"In college. I had to choose an elective course in the arts to fulfill one of the undergrad requirements. Modern Dance was the only class that fit in between lectures."

"How practical of you. But that doesn't explain how you were able to pick up on the steps so quickly. It was as though you knew them by heart."

"I saw  _Zorba the Greek_ many times with my mother, so I undoubtedly had an advantage."

"Undoubtedly," Sonny parroted sarcastically. "If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I never would have believed it. Rafael Barba, ADA by morning, Dancer Extraordinaire by night."

"And you won't be seeing it again. Not if I have anything to do with it. And if you ever tell anyone, I'll categorically deny it."

"Spoilsport. Oh yeah before I forget," Sonny replied reaching into the back of the car to fetch the skaltsounia from the restaurant.

As Sonny handed the container to him, Barba's fingers slid over his hands, holding him prisoner. He didn't know if Barba did that deliberately, but Sonny suddenly seemed to have lost all control of his hand muscles as ocean blue eyes suddenly looked up to meet hypnotic green ones. Sonny couldn't deny that the sensation of Barba's strong fingers felt warm and comforting against his skin. He always got the impression that Barba's touch would feel rough and hard, but it was diametrically the opposite. His skin felt soft and smooth and his touch was mesmerizing. Sonny could feel his heart beating unevenly as Barba continued to stare into his eyes. He even found himself wondering if the older man felt something as well since Barba made no attempt to move away.

There was no doubt that Rafael Barba was a very dynamic and driven man...and a very handsome one at that. One look, and he could immediately make a person feel off-kilter and put them out of their comfort zone, like he was doing to Sonny at the moment. But it wasn't just his naturally good looks. It was Barba's charisma, his attitude, and his passion that also drew Sonny to him from the moment he saw him swagger confidently into the precinct. It wasn't surprising that he could have that kind of effect on people. But what was surprising, at least to Sonny, was the fact that they had been working together for a few years and this was the first time that he had ever felt such a strong attraction between them. Perhaps it was happening because Sonny got to see a side of Barba that not many people had the privilege of seeing, namely when he was relaxed and just being himself without the pressures of his job hanging over him. Sonny had always admired Barba in a professional capacity, even when he was being an ass to him on a semi-regular basis. But was it possible that there was more to it than just respect and admiration?

"Don't forget to save Carmen a piece. After all, she has to put up with you every day," Sonny said, while averting his gaze. He pretended to check his odometer gauge on the dashboard as an excuse to move his hand away. Barba's facial expression was an unreadable mask, which was a good thing because Sonny wouldn't know how to react if he could tell what Barba was thinking at that precise moment.

"I'll make sure she gets it."

"Good."

"By the way, I'm sorry I had to cancel today's session last minute."

Sonny turned to look at Barba and smiled. "That's okay. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I guess I needed to get away and have some fun too. Like I said, there's always a reason for everything."

Barba was starting to believe it too. "Good night, Carisi."

"Good night, Rafael," Sonny replied softly. "Don't work too hard."

* * *

"Mr. Barba, I thought you left with Detective Carisi," Carmen commented in surprise when she saw her boss step out of the elevators and into the foyer.

"I did. And now I'm back," Barba replied succinctly. "Carisi wanted me to make sure you got this."

Carmen's eyes lit up in surprise as he handed her the Greek dessert that Sonny insisted on saving. "That was so thoughtful. Thank you, sir."

"Don't thank me. I'm just the messenger. Why don't you stop working on those deposition transcripts and go home? It's late and there's always tomorrow."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. Go on and enjoy the rest of the evening."

Carmen wasn't going to inquire any further. Judging from the change in his demeanor, Barba must have really enjoyed himself. Whatever Detective Carisi did to change Barba's mood, she was perfectly fine with him continuing to do so.

* * *

When Sonny came back to his apartment after dropping off Barba, he spent another few hours hitting the law books to make up for lost time. Even though he was finished with school, Sonny still wanted to stay sharp lest he become complacent. It would mean a late night session, but it was worth it to be able to take Barba's mind off of his troubles even for a little bit. It was also worth it to see his more playful side. And as for that little incident in the car before Barba left...well, Sonny was going to chalk that up to an inadvertent mishap. Sonny was pretty sure the older man wasn't wasting any of his precious time dwelling on the subject.

It was nearly 1 AM when Sonny finally decided to call it quits. He hadn't intended on such a long study session, but it was all good. Just as he was about to drift off to sleep, the sudden message alert from his phone nearly made him jump out of his skin. Usually, late night incoming texts meant reporting to a crime scene and he was not in the mood to go out when he was all nice and warm in his bed. Sonny let out a groan before blindly reaching for his phone on the night stand and saw the message. His eyes widened in surprise. It was from none other than Barba, himself.

" _Thank you._ "

It was brief, succinct, and to the point, just like Barba. But it meant the world to Sonny. The brash and cocky Manhattan ADA would more than likely go back to being his normal sassy self the next day, but Sonny knew better. For a few hours, he was able to comfort Barba and be there for him when he needed it the most. A faint smile graced Sonny's lips as he settled back against the pillows.

"Sweet dreams, counselor," he murmured sleepily before drifting off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uploaded on 03Nov2017
> 
> Thank you for your patience and continued support! I really had fun writing this particular chapter and I hope you had fun reading it as well!
> 
> I was actually able to include one of Raúl Esparza's many talents in Barba's ability to dance. Inspired by this one scene where he was waiting for the elevator door to close in the courthouse and he struck this slight dance pose.


	5. When It Rains, It Pours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Preview: Sonny is a sweetheart as usual, Barba is pro-active, and mother nature lends a hand.
> 
> Timeline: Takes place right around episode 17x22 (Intersecting Lives)
> 
> Enjoy!

"I hear congratulations are in order," a familiar voice commented in front of Sonny's desk.

Barba was looking particularly handsome in a dark blue double-breasted suit and a cream colored dress shirt with a paisley burgundy tie knotted at the base of his neck.

Sonny raised his head that was buried behind his computer monitor and flashed a big grin, making Barba feel all warm and mushy inside. It was embarrassing that a man of his experience was acting like an adolescent teenager again. Ever since that night they had dinner together, Barba had tried his best to talk himself out of his burgeoning feelings for Sonny. But for every argument he could think of, for every excuse he came up with, they were all negated by the positives and what he would be gaining in return. In the end, Barba realized that it was no use. There was nothing he could do, but accept his fate. Now if only Sonny was intuitive enough to figure it out for himself.

It wasn't so much an indictment on Sonny's skills as a detective. It was more of his particular habit of being oblivious to certain social situations that had Barba concerned. It was going to be an uphill climb, since Sonny's tastes seemed to lean towards the opposite end of the spectrum, but Barba was up for the challenge. Perhaps he needed to change his strategy. With Sonny, being subtle was not going to work. Maybe it was time to try the direct approach.

"Thanks, counselor. I can hardly believe that I passed."

"Well, everyone makes mistakes," Barba replied, but his eyes sparkled mischievously, which Sonny had learned to discern as his usual good-natured teasing.

"You're all heart," Sonny retorted. "But I'm not going to let you rain on my parade. Not today."

"Cocky now, aren't we? Shall I start updating my curriculum vitae in the event that you're taking my place as an ADA?"

"Leave him alone, Barba," Liv replied, defending the youngest member of her squad like a mother bear. "At least let Carisi have one day without your snark."

Fortunately, the fallout from the recent Catholic church sex trafficking case had not spilled over to their working relationship, much to Barba's relief.

"I have nothing, but the utmost respect for his achievements. In fact, to prove my good intentions, how about I buy a celebratory drink after work?"

Sonny felt his stomach flip in response at the look that Barba gave him. His remark was innocent enough to the casual observer, but there was nothing casual about the look in his eyes. How no one else noticed was a miracle in itself.

"Care to join us Liv?"

"I'll have to take a raincheck. Noah's just getting over a cold and I promised to come home early. But thanks anyway," Liv replied apologetically as she headed towards her office. "And Barba," she added, while hovering at the doorway. "Behave yourself."

"Don't I always?"

"What did she mean by that?" Sonny asked curiously.

"Nothing. So I guess it's just the two of us then, Carisi."

"I guess so," Sonny replied softly.

"How about we meet at Forlini's after work? Say around 7?"

"Sure, but I can't stay too long. We're having a farewell party for Sergeant Dodds in a few days and I'm charge of all the arrangements. It's going to be his last week with us at SVU."

"Dodds is leaving? Didn't he just get here?"

"I guess it was time for him to move on. Apparently he's going to work in joint terrorism."

"More power to him. He's going to need it."

"Amen to that."

"Well, I'm due in court for an arraignment hearing. Detective."

Sonny nodded in acknowledgement as he watched Barba saunter towards the elevator. Just before the doors closed, Barba gave him a knowing wink, which made Sonny's stomach flutter again.

" _Did he just do what I think he did?"_ Sonny asked himself in stunned silence.

* * *

 Sonny tapped his fingers nervously on the table as he scanned the room for the umpteenth time waiting Barba to show up. His nervousness was only outweighed by his anticipation. All day long, he kept thinking of how Barba had brazenly flirted with him not once, but twice. So it wasn't his imagination after all. Sonny could hardly believe it. Not that he was opposed to the idea. He just never dreamed that it would happen, and with Barba of all people.

"I hope I haven't kept you waiting very long."

"Speak of the devil," Sonny murmured under his breath as Barba walked up to the table he had secured for them.

"What?"

"Oh nothing," Sonny replied quickly. "And I haven't been waiting very long."

"Good," Barba said as he seated himself in the both next to Sonny. "Since it's a special occasion, what would you like to drink?"

"Surprise me," Sonny replied neutrally, trying to keep the conversation from getting too off track.

Barba nodded his head as he motioned for the waiter to bring some very expensive imported scotch.

"So, how does it feel now that you're a real honest-to-goodness lawyer?"

"It's kind of surreal to be perfectly honest. I can't believe I passed the bar on the first try."

"Apparently, the Bar Association heard you took classes at Fordham Law. It was practically a done deal."

Sonny did his usual eyeroll, reminiscent of their earlier days.

"Jeez, Rafael. You just couldn't let that go for one freaking night. I have a good mind to tell Liv on you."

"Can't you take a joke, detective?"

Sonny smirked and responded silkily, "Sure I can, counselor. I'm here with you, aren't I?"

"Impressive Carisi. First you're cocky at the station and now you're sassing me here in public. Perhaps you'll make a good prosecutor after all."

"Well, I did learn from one of the best. You are the king of sass. I ought to know."

"Flattery will get you nowhere."

Sonny laughed and Barba smiled when he saw the twinkle in Sonny's eyes. When their drinks came, Barba raised his glass in a toast, "Congratulations, Counselor."

"Thanks," Sonny replied while clinking their glasses together, before taking a big sip of the scotch. His eyes widened immediately as the amber liquid burned through his system like molten lava.

"Wow! This is powerful stuff."

"You should take it easy there, ace. It can creep up on you."

"I think it's overtaken me. I guess with me passing the bar, it means that you weren't so bad of a mentor after all, huh?"

"Let's not get carried away here. After all, you did most of the work."

"I meant what I said before when I told you that you were a big part of why I passed. I'll always be grateful to you for that no matter what happens."

"Thank you, Carisi," Barba replied softly.

"Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Is it personal or professional?"

"A little from column A and a little from column B."

"As long as you're not going to broadcast it to everyone, then I guess it's all right."

"I've always wondered what made you want to become a lawyer."

"It surely wasn't for the popularity factor," Barba replied drily. "Or haven't you noticed how everyone LOVES prosecutors?"

"No, really. I'm serious."

Barba took a bigger sip of his scotch and made a small grimace at the potency of the liquid before continuing.

"If you don't want to talk about it..."

"I don't mind, but there's no real big mystery. As far back as I can remember, I've always liked to argue whether it was with my friends, my teachers, and even with my parents. Especially with my parents. It goes without saying that I got into trouble quite a bit because of it, mainly because I was right a majority of the time."

"Some things never change," Sonny murmured which earned him a stern look from Barba. "Sorry. I'll be good."

"My _abuelita_...my grandmother, she always believed in me. She told me that I had the potential to become something really great if I just focused on what I did best. I've always known ever since I was a child that if I wanted to make it, I needed to do well in school. No one had to tell me that. But my old man..."

Sonny noticed that Barba's other hand that was resting on the table was balling into a fist.

"Let's just say that we disagreed. He was old school. And he was always telling me to live in the real world and stop dreaming about things that were never going to happen. He was afraid that I would become like one of the  _gringos_ and forget who I was and where I came from. That somehow my wanting to go to college was indirectly disrespecting him for not being able to provide beyond the bare necessities. Nothing could be further from the truth. You see, where I come from, people don't go college. My mother always said that I should stick with my childhood friend, Alex if I wanted to get ahead. But I didn't want to depend on anyone. I wanted to make it on my own and make a name for myself. I didn't want to remain a nobody from the south Bronx, stuck in a dead end job with no future."

Sonny furrowed his eyebrows together as he listened intently. It broke his heart to think that Barba had very little support for his aspirations as a youngster. But on the other hand, he was proud of the fact that Barba didn't let that deter him from his goals. He was still a fighter, and he was still as stubborn as ever.

"You were ALWAYS somebody, Rafael," Sonny replied softly.

Barba wanted to pull Sonny into his arms and kiss him right then and there. But he had to exercise restraint. He didn't want to blow his chance and scare Sonny off.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence. To make a long story short, I worked my ass off all through junior high and high school to get into college. I applied on a whim to Harvard, never thinking I had a chance. But nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? The worse thing that could happen would be if they rejected my application. Imagine my shock when they offered me a full academic scholarship. I thought I hit the lottery. I had always been interested in the law, but it wasn't until I was at Harvard that I wanted to become a prosecutor. You may have heard rumors that I was only in it for the notoriety and the prestige. But it wasn't just that."

"That goes without saying."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I've seen how hard you work and the toll it takes on you sometimes. But you keep going on because deep down, you care and you want to do the right thing and get justice for those who can't get it for themselves. And you refuse to let anyone push you around even it means being the bad guy. That takes a lot of guts and a lot of moxie. That's one of the reasons why I admire you so much."

Barba was speechless yet again. How was it that someone like Carisi could know him so well when they were from different worlds? He took a moment to regain his composure before responding.

"If you're trying to get on my good side Carisi, it's working."

"Oh, you have good side? I never noticed," Sonny replied jokingly.

Barba's lips curved into a smile. "You learn fast, detective."

* * *

 "It may be the scotch talking, but you can be a really nice guy when you want you want to be, Rafael."

"Thanks...I think," Barba replied drily.

He and Sonny were outside Forlini's, standing under the awning, waiting for the rain to dissipate before going their separate ways. Barba didn't mind since it gave him an excuse to stand close to Sonny.

"No, I mean it. Why can't you be nice like this all the time?"

"What? And ruin my reputation?"

"That's no way to attract someone's attention."

"I don't believe I ever asked for your opinion on the subject. I do very well on my own, thank you very much."

"You have to open yourself up a little so that people can get to know the real you, like I do. It's like my Ma always says, ' _You gotta give a little to get a little_.' "

"I don't give away free samples."

Sonny suddenly burst out laughing at Barba's unintended quip. He looked so cute whenever he smiled like that. But it was his laughter that finally put Barba over the edge. Before he knew it, he reached up to cup Sonny's face in between his hands and pressed his lips gently, but firmly against Sonny's rosy lips. He had waited long enough.

Sonny immediately froze, too stunned to process what was happening. Barba's hands against his skin felt so warm, and his lips felt even warmer against his own lips. When Sonny didn't move away, Barba took it as a sign that he could take it further. He began to move his lips slowly and teasingly over Sonny's lips as his hands slid down and ghosted over the younger man's rib cage before resting them on his slim waist, bringing him against Barba's body. Sonny closed his eyes and leaned into the kiss wanting it to continue, craving for more. All he could do was grab onto Barba's shoulders for support before his knees buckled under him. He could hear his own voice groan softly when he felt Barba dart his tongue teasingly along Sonny's upper lip. It was madness. It didn't make any sense. And Sonny had never felt more alive. Barba's breath tickled against Sonny's cheek as he shifted his head to deepen the kiss.

Sonny's eyes suddenly flew wide open when he realized what he was doing and who he was doing it with. He pulled away, breaking off the kiss abruptly. Sonny's blue eyes were wide with confusion and his heart was racing a mile a minute. One minute he and Barba were sharing a laugh, and then the next they were sharing a kiss. How did everything suddenly go off the rails? They could never go back to the way it was before.

"Um, thank you for the drink. I...I better get going," Sonny mumbled as he darted off in the opposite direction with the rain coming down from the darkened skies above.

Barba watched helplessly as Sonny ran off into the night, knowing that there was nothing he could do.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Upload Date: 07Nov2017
> 
> Barba's got it bad for Sonny, hasn't he? Poor Rafi. I wrote this chapter while inspiration hit me and to tide you over until the next installment, because I'm swamped with work.
> 
> I'd rather write if I had a choice. It's way more fun than working ;)


	6. Then the Morning Comes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella helps her big brother, Sonny is Confused, and Barba makes a decision.

“Sonny, what's wrong with you? Are you sick or something?” Bella Sullivan, formerly Bella Carisi, asked in concern.

“Huh? What did you say?” Sonny replied as he looked up at his younger sister holding her 7-month old baby in her arms.

“You've been spaced out ever since you got here. Usually you babble about work, but you've barely said anything. You didn't have a fight with Mom and Pop, did you?”

“No, I didn't have a fight with them,” he replied in an annoyed tone.

“Then it must be work after all. I know. You got suspended and you don't want to tell them what happened.”

“No, I didn't get suspended,” Sonny replied in the same tone. “It has nothing to do with work.”

“Oh Sonny, don't tell me you got dumped again?”

“No, I didn’t get...hey!” he replied when it registered in his head that he was being insulted.

“Well, something is bugging you. The last time you were like this was when... Oh. My. God. You have a crush on someone, don't you?”

Sonny's ears turned pink in embarrassment. “What??? No!”

“You can't fool me, big brother. I've seen that far away, spaced out look in your eyes before. And that only means that you've fallen for someone.”

“It does not!” he denied vehemently.

“Hmmm. What do you think, Bianca?” Bella asked her daughter. “Do you think your uncle Sonny has the hots for someone?”

The baby giggled and clapped her chubby little hands together several times in response.

“It's unanimous,” Bella replied laughing at her older brother's expense.

“I don't know why I bother coming here to visit,” Sonny replied rolling his eyes.

“Because I know you better than anyone else, next to Mom.”

“Hypothetically speaking, if that was the case, what would you do if you were in my shoes?”

“Does this other person feel the same way?”

Sonny looked down at the floor, pausing to form his response. “Yeah, I think so.”

“Then what's the problem?”

“It's a little more complicated than you think. There are other factors to consider.”

“You're just making up excuses,” Bella replied dismissively before handing the baby over to Sonny. “If you like someone, you should follow your instincts. More importantly you should listen to your heart.”

“Easy for you to say. You're already with the person you love.”

“Sonny, you of all people, know that it wasn't always easy for Tommy and me. It still isn't, even now, but it doesn't mean that I love him any less.”

“And your point is?”

“My point, is that you shouldn't let any obstacles come between you and happiness. Speaking as your sister, I think it's about time you started settling down. You're not getting any younger you know.”

“Okay, you're starting to sound like Mom and that's creeping me out. Do me a favor and please PLEASE don't tell the family about this.”

“You've got nothing to worry about. After all, it's all hypothetical isn't it?” Bella replied and gave him a knowing smile before she went to warm up the baby's formula.

Sonny waited until she was out of earshot before replying, “If only it was as simple as that.”

Ever since that fateful kiss in the rain with Barba a few days ago, he didn't know which way was up or down anymore. It was just one kiss, but it had turned Sonny's world upside down, inside out, and everything else in between. It wasn't so much that Barba had kissed him. What was nagging at Sonny was that he allowed the kiss to continue against his better judgment, not thinking of the consequences and the ramifications of their actions. He had lost control, both physically and emotionally. But then again, he wasn't exactly thinking clearly at the time. He hadn't been thinking at all. He was too busy enjoying being held by Barba and sharing his warmth and just reveling in the moment.

Barba on the other hand, acted as though nothing had happened, which irked Sonny somewhat. Not that he had been expecting the ADA to be pining after him, but he was hoping for a little bit of concern. He would have even settled for some of Barba's usual sass. Perhaps Barba was having second thoughts about kissing Sonny. Or maybe, just maybe, he was feeling some resentment at being rejected. Or even worse, what if he thought that Sonny was the one who regretted their kiss? Nothing could be further from the truth. That, in essence was the crux of the problem.

* * *

 “Carisi, I know you’re on your way out, but could you do me a big favor?” Liv asked as Sonny was about to leave the station.

“Sure thing, Lieutenant. What is it?”

“Barba has been bugging me for these police reports in preparation for the Munson trial, but I have a prior appointment that I can’t get out of. Could you please drop them off at his office?”

“Um, sure,” Sonny replied, trying not to sound like he was opposed to the idea. He hadn't been alone with Barba ever since that rainy night at Forlini's and it was likely to be a little awkward.

“If it's too much trouble, I can ask someone else to do it.”

“No, it's fine. The more time Barba has to prepare his case and make it airtight, the better. Consider it done.”

“Thanks a lot. I owe you one.”

“I'll be sure to remind you of that. Oh, and say hi to Captain Tucker for me,” Sonny replied as he headed towards the elevator.

“Smartass,” Liv replied with a small smile as she gathered her coat and purse to meet her boyfriend.

* * *

 “Detective Carisi,” Carmen greeted Sonny in surprise. “It's good to see you again.”

“Right back at 'ya. Sorry for dropping by without an appointment. Police business. Is Attila in?”

“I heard that,” Barba voice came through the intercom on Carmen's desk. “Carmen, would you ask the detective what he wants?”

“What do you want?” Carmen parroted.

“Lieutenant Benson asked me to drop off the police reports he requested for the Munson trial.”

“It's about time," Barba replied.

Well, that was certainly a warm welcome. Sonny's bravado waned rapidly as he approached the door into Barba's office. After taking a deep breath to steady himself, he entered the room trying to remain calm and collected. Now was not the time to let his emotions take over. That's what got him in this predicament in the first place. Sonny found Barba seated at his desk with his head down, mulling over some court documents.

“Um, where should I put these files?”

Barba kept his head down as replied, “Just leave them on the table.”

Not a good sign. He must be really ticked off. Sonny's heart sank as he did as Barba requested and then turned to leave. No use delaying the inevitable.

“So you're just going to leave and pretend that nothing happened, Carisi?”

Sonny turned around and looked directly into Barba's eyes. It was clear that Barba wasn't going to let it go. “I assumed that there was nothing else to keep me here.”

Barba leaned back casually in his chair and linked his fingers together, resting them against his abdomen. “I see. And what evidence do you base that assumption on?”

“Well, I've been here for less than a minute and you've been about as welcoming as a skunk at a picnic. And second of all, you haven't said that you want me to stay.”

“Would it make you feel better if I asked you to sit down?”

“I don't know if I should. I mean, I wouldn't want to force you to have to put up with me.”

Barba's expression changed from nonchalance to confusion as he got up to a standing position. “Carisi, what the hell are you talking about?”

Sonny's forehead wrinkled in confusion as well. Barba wasn't pretending. He had no inkling of what Sonny was implying.

“You mean you're not angry?”

“I repeat. What the hell are you talking about?”

“I thought...I thought you were angry with me because I ran away from you the night that we...you know,” Sonny replied tactfully.

“It was just a kiss, Carisi. It's not worth getting all worked up over. And for the record, I'm not angry at you.”

If anything, Barba was mad at himself for forcing that kiss on Sonny, when the younger man hadn’t been expecting it. Barba had been the impulsive one, which had resulted in placing Sonny in a difficult position.

“Just so you know, I didn't pull away because of you,” Sonny replied softly. “I guess my brain sort of short circuited at the time. I know it’s not a good excuse, but I didn’t want you to think that I regretted anything. Please say that you believe me, Rafael. I don't want you to hate me for that.”

It took every last bit of self-control Barba had not to go into Sonny's arms and hug him senseless, especially when he was looking at him so earnestly. He couldn't believe that Sonny was actually blaming himself for Barba's own lack of self-control when he had nothing to feel guilty about. But what else could the younger man think when he had no other frame of reference?

“You make it hard for anyone to hate you, Carisi. And for whatever it's worth, I believe you.”

“You wouldn't lie to make me feel better, would you?”

“Would you really want to know if I did?” Barba replied astutely.

Carisi gave a rueful smile. “No, I guess not. So, where do we go from here?”

Barba let out a heavy sigh. “I think it would be best if we just forget what happened.”

Sonny's eyes reflected surprise and disappointment. Was Barba giving up already? And why did he want to? After all, he had been the one to initiate the kiss in the first place.

Barba's heart constricted tightly when he saw the look in Sonny's eyes. It was as though he had just lost his best friend.

“Don't look at me like that, Carisi. I said that I wasn't mad you and I meant it. I just think that maybe you're not ready for this.”

“I'm not a child and I'm more than capable of making my own decisions. I don't need you making them for me. Don't I even get the benefit of the doubt?”

“It's obvious that you have conflicting emotions, otherwise you wouldn't have run away like your hair had been on fire when I kissed you. Frankly speaking, I don't want to be involved with someone who has doubts right from the very beginning and I don’t need the aggravation. My life is complicated enough as it is.”

Sonny lowered his gaze to the floor and bit his lower lip. He couldn't refute a single thing that came out of Barba’s mouth even though a part of him didn’t want to rule out the idea of being in a relationship with this dynamic man. As painful as it was to admit, Barba had every right to feel the way that he did. Because if anyone deserved to have a relationship without any additional drama, it was him. He deserved to be happy. And he deserved to be with someone who had no reservations, and who would give him what he needed.

“Can we at least be friends?” Sonny asked uncertainly, after a moment of silence. “Maybe...maybe we could continue our with our law sessions once in a while as well. That is, if you don't mind?”

“I think that can be arranged,” Barba replied softly.

Sonny smiled in relief. He would have been truly devastated if Barba had wanted to cut him out of his life completely.

“Good. Well, I guess I'd better get going. I promised Rollins that I'd help baby sit Jesse tonight.”

“Don't let the door hit you on the way out,” Barba quipped lightly.

“See you around, counselor.”

Barba watched with a wistful expression on his face as Sonny left his office before settling back into his chair. He was making the right decision. It was for the best for the both of them in the long run.

“I am such a damned liar,” he muttered while looking up at the ceiling.

* * *

 “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Barba looked up from his desk at Sonny who was looking angrier than he had ever seen before. Sonny's lips were pursed together in a thin line as he stood akimbo with his hands at his hips. The man standing before Barba was not the sweet and in some ways naive detective he had come to know. This was a royally pissed off Sonny. The only time he was ever this agitated was when he was interrogating suspects or when he was upset. Barba suspected part of his anger had to do with Sergeant Dodds having unfortunately passed away from his wounds during the Munson hostage situation a few days ago. Amidst all the preparations for the funeral, Liv had arranged for a security detail for Barba until they could find the perp who had threatened to throw Barba down the court steps the previous week after Munson was indicted for his sex crimes. Sonny had wanted to confront Barba sooner but with everything that had gone on, he had put his emotions on the backburner until now.

“Why didn't I tell you what?” Barba replied evasively.

“Don’t give me that crap, Rafael. You’ve been threatened ALL YEAR LONG and you don’t bother telling anyone? Then you do something idiotic like giving that guy your home address? I don't have to tell you that the ones behind this aren't playing games. For all we know, they could be waiting outside that door right now waiting to bump you off. You’re too smart to be that stupid.”

“Watch it, Carisi. You’re on the verge of being out of line.”

“Good. Maybe you’ll realize how serious I am about this. Just because you want to throw your life away, doesn’t mean that I want you to.”

“Thank you for your concern, but I'm not going to let some bitter, vindictive misanthrope dictate how I live my life. I think I know what’s best for me.”

“Do you? I’m beginning to think that you don't care what happens to you at all.”

“I take it from your impassioned argument, that you do,” Barba ventured carefully trying to get a gauge on Sonny's feelings.

“Of course I care about you. Although I'm going to reconsider my position if you don't start taking these threats more seriously. I'm not ready to see you leave this world yet and I'll be damned if I let some lowlife take you away from me.”

Barba smiled gently. Sonny really did wear his heart on his sleeve. “Why Detective Carisi, I didn't know you cared so much. If it will make you feel better, I'll be extra careful from now on. I called you and Rollins, didn't I?”

“Took you long enough. And only because some punk threatened you again AFTER he said that he would crack open your skull the first time. I swear, sometimes you do things like this just to aggravate me.”

“Who are you really angry at?” Barba asked intuitively.

Sonny's whole body finally relaxed as he turned to look out of the window, shaking his head back and forth.

“It's not fair, Rafael. Dodds was going to get married, he was going start the next chapter of his life. It was his last day at SVU and he ended up sacrificing his life to protect Munson's wife, and her bastard husband is the one that's alive.”

“We see this happen all the time, Carisi. It's an unfortunate part of law enforcement when an officer gets caught in the crossfire. This is probably the first time it's hit so close to home for you.”

Sonny turned his attention back to Barba, his eyes reflecting pain. “When I was in homicide, it was a different, you know? I mean you felt for the victim, but you didn't know them personally. It's hard to not take things to heart working in SVU.”

Barba shoved his hands into his trouser pockets while walking over to join Sonny over by the window.

“I know it's not much consolation, but Dodds would have done the same thing over again if he had to.”

Sonny sighed heavily. “It's just been a crazy year what with Rollins almost losing her baby, Liv taken hostage again, Dodds going the way that he did, and now with you getting death threats. I keep waiting for the next bad thing to happen.”

“I wouldn't call passing the bar exam a bad thing. That was a major accomplishment and you did it while going to night school AND working full time as a detective. You also helped your sister Bella when she needed you, and now have a new addition to the Carisi household with your niece. And if you hadn't given up on Father Eugene and convinced him to turn over crucial evidence, we wouldn't have been able to indict the bastards responsible for their part in the Catholic church sex scandal and the murder of two innocent victims. There's always a reason for everything. That's what you told me, remember?”

Sonny gave a Barba a look of what could only be described as complete and utter adoration. There was the expression that melted Barba's heart every time without fail.

“You really ARE a nice guy when you want to be.”

“That's a terrible thing to say to a prosecutor,” Barba joked, which put a smile on Sonny's face.

“Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me.”

“In all seriousness, you can't just focus on the bad things Carisi, or you'll start doubting yourself and everything you do. In your profession, that split second of uncertainty could mean the difference between life and death.” Barba's expression softened. “And I've grown too accustomed to you and your annoying ways.”

Sonny's heart skipped a beat in response. Even though they had agreed on just being friends, his reaction couldn't be helped. “I could say the same thing about you as well. But don't think I'm going to let you get off lightly for not telling us sooner about the threats you've been getting.”

“What did you have in mind?” Barba asked in amusement.

“When things finally settle down, YOU are going cook dinner for me in reparation for making me worry so much about you.”

“I don't cook,” Barba replied automatically, scoffing at the notion.

“You'll learn. And for the record, you said the same thing about not knowing how to dance, so forgive me if I don't believe you.”

“And if I refuse?”

“I'll personally contact your mother and tell her what's been going on. I'm sure she wouldn't mind staying with you until we're assured of your safety. In fact, I think she'd insist on it. Just think. It might be months.”

“You'll pay for this,” Barba promised icily while giving him a death glare as Sonny was heading for the exit. Why was it that Sonny was able to manipulate him so easily? Perhaps it was because Barba had finally met his match.

“Promises, promises. Oh and one more thing, Rafael.”

“What now?”

Sonny's expression softened as he turned to look at Barba. “Thank you.”

“I guess that makes us even now.”

Sonny nodded in agreement before leaving Barba alone with his thoughts. It had been much easier back when they had a student/mentor relationship. Now, it had gone way beyond that. Somewhere along the way, their dynamic had changed into something that scared both Sonny and Barba. There was no turning back now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Upload Date: 13Nov2017
> 
> I didn't expect this to go as long as this, but I'm having too much fun to stop now. Let's see how far this journey takes us.  
> Poor Barba. He wants the best for Sonny, but his heart won't let him go either.


	7. Restless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny is feeling lost, Liv lends a hand, and Barba makes a decision.  
> Timeline: After episode 18x03 (Imposter)

Sonny sighed heavily as he was finishing up his police reports. It was the 3rd time he sighed despondently within the last half hour, which did not go unnoticed by Rollins and Fin who were observing discretely from the break room.

“Do you think we should ask what's wrong?” Fin ventured.

“I don't know. It doesn't seem like something we can help with. I'm not even sure HE knows what's bothering him.”

“This reminds me of what my son went through during his college days.”

“Oh, you mean like during midterms and finals?”

“Actually, I mean like afterwards. After studying and cramming so hard before the test, he would came crashing down hard in the following days.”

“Most people recover the minute it's over. I sure didn't have any problems during my college days.”

“Well, some people need that pressure to perform. It's like withdrawal for a junkie when that pressure is gone.”

“You're not suggesting that Sonny...” Rollins replied incredulously.

“Of course not. What I'm saying is that he might be missing that drive he's been using to push himself to the finish line when he was in night school. Now that he's passed the bar, things are a little out of whack. I mean, I'd feel a little let down too if I wasn't able to do what I wanted, after working so hard.”

“I hear you. And from the way it's looking, it's not like he's going to be practicing law anytime soon.”

“Did he mention anything about it to you?”

“Not a peep. But I can certainly empathize with him going through withdrawal.”

“Hey Amanda, I didn't mean to...”

“It's okay Fin. You don't have to tiptoe around it. But I appreciate the sentiment. Whatever's bothering Sonny, I hope he's going to be okay.”

“Dude's a sharp cookie. He'll figure it out.”

Sonny almost sighed again as he could hear Rollins and Fin talking about him even from his desk a few feet away. He was feeling a little lost lately, but for more reasons than one. It was true that he didn’t exactly envision himself still doing this when he had become an actual lawyer a few months ago. But he no one to blame except himself. It had been his decision to put his aspirations on the backburner for the time being. It was such a weird place to be at this point in his life. He was a detective first, and a lawyer second, when it should have been the other way around. But with Dodds passing away, it just didn't feel right to leave yet. So here he was in his third year at SVU, a little older, a little wiser, and a little more seasoned. But something was still missing.

There was a restlessness Sonny had never felt before and it seemed to be nagging at him lately. It was never like that when he was going to law school. At least back then, he had an attainable goal to work towards. But now that he achieved that goal, he wasn't doing anything with his law degree. He thought that once he passed the bar, it would open new doors for him. As a police officer, he enforced the law. And as a lawyer, he wanted to follow through and see that justice was meted out. And yet, here he was sitting at his desk doing paperwork and letting his license gather dust.

The only source of comfort was his one on one meetings with Barba, where he got a chance to flex his lawyer muscles. Barba even went out of his way to set up an interview for him with ADA LaRosa in Brooklyn a few months ago. Even though that didn't work out, it was still a good experience for Sonny and LaRosa promised to keep him in mind in the future. At least Sonny still felt useful and alive again when Barba felt inclined to share some of the current cases he was working with him. They would go back and forth brainstorming, and do mock court sessions. Barba would sometimes even use some of Sonny's suggestions as they planned strategies for their SVU cases.

But those meetings were getting fewer and farther between these days. And whenever Barba stopped by the station, he barely acknowledged Sonny's presence. It was all business and then he would take off without so much as a goodbye. Barba didn't even bother with his teasing as much as he used to. It was almost as though Sonny wasn't even worth the effort anymore. At first, Sonny had chalked it up to Barba being preoccupied with the death threats looming in the background. Even with the 24/7 security detail, he seemed to go about his usual routine like it was business as usual. But it was obvious that he hated the idea of being constantly under the microscope and having his freedom compromised. And despite Liv's and Sonny's objections, Barba had called off the security detail after only one month. It was just like him, the stubborn jackass. But even afterwards, Barba continued with his distant behavior. Their relationship or whatever it was called now, was in a weird place as well, which was the other reason for Sonny's despondent mood. They were still friends, but Barba didn't even come close to treating Sonny like he used to. In fact, he seemed to be going in the opposite direction and at times, completely ignoring him. And the worst part of it all was that Sonny didn’t even know why Barba had practically cut him off from his life.

But in spite of everything, Sonny had not forgotten that earth shattering kiss from Barba that rocked his world. It seemed like eons ago and yet, Sonny could still remember it as if it were yesterday. Like he was ever going to forget Barba's touch or the way his kiss stirred a fire deep within him. Sometimes Sonny got the distinct feeling that he was being watched, but Barba never made a move or gave so much as a hint that he still had any lingering feelings for him in the romantic sense. For the longest time, Sonny convinced himself that he was just caught up in the heat of the moment, but it had been a convenient excuse to mask how he really felt. The truth was that he missed Barba and he wanted to be with him in more than just the platonic sense. But it wasn't like he could do anything about it since Barba had made it perfectly clear that he wasn't interested in him because of his conflicting emotions.

That's where Chloe Reed had stepped into the picture. Sonny had met her at Fordham University in the main library while doing research for one his cases where they had literally bumped into each other and sort of hit it off from there. Chloe was nice, smart, pretty, and had so much in common with Sonny. She laughed at his dumb jokes and never complained when he rambled on incessantly about his family and work. Chloe was exactly what he needed...but ultimately not what he wanted. Sonny knew that it really wasn't fair to her, but his loneliness and separation from Barba had driven him to seek some much needed companionship. Unfortunately, like most of Sonny's relationships, it didn't last long due to his unpredictable work schedule and due to the nature of his work at SVU. But Sonny knew that his relationship with her ultimately failed, because he never wanted it to succeed in the first place. He was still hung up on Barba. The heart wants what it wants, plain and simple.

Sonny's feelings only intensified over time as well as the frustration of not being able to act upon them. Sometimes his frustration manifested itself in an unexpected outburst of anger usually aimed at Barba himself. Sonny was half expecting and half hoping that Barba would tire of his antics and break off all contact with him, but it never happened. Lately, he seemed to be drifting away from the happy-go-lucky Sonny Carisi that people had come to know and expect. He didn't smile as much, he didn't joke as much, and he was letting the job get to him. And it was only exacerbated by his inner turmoil with the whole Barba situation as well as his frustration with not being to utilize his lawyer skills as much as he wanted to.

“Hello? Earth to Sonny? Anyone home?”

“What? Oh. Sorry Amanda. Guess I wasn't listening.”

“Yeah, no kidding.”

“What were you saying?”

“I asked if you wanted to stop by my place tonight and visit Jesse. She misses you.”

“Aw, I miss the little rug rat too. How about I take a raincheck on that? I promise to visit soon.”

“Are you sure you won't change your mind? I make a pretty mean grilled cheese sandwich.”

“Well that does sound tempting, but thanks all the same. I just want to finish up here and then go home.”

“You've been working late most nights. Did you and your _friend_ have a fight or something?”

“None of your business,” Sonny snapped. He immediately gave an apologetic look. “Sorry. I do appreciate the concern, but I'm fine. Give Jesse a big hug and kiss for me, okay?”

“I will. Don't stay too late. You're making the rest of us look bad.”

Sonny nodded before going back to work. At this point, it was the only constant in his life.

* * *

 “So Barba, how long are you going to keep up with this charade of yours?”

Barba quirked one eyebrow up in response as Olivia sat back in her office chair grinning like a Cheshire cat. “And what charade am I supposed to be keeping up?”

“The one where you pretend to ignore Carisi even though you want to be with him.”

“I thought you had better things to do with your time, Liv. What's the matter? Slow day at the office?”

“Ha, ha. You can deny it all you want, but this is me you're talking to, remember?”

“Oh well, since you put it that way, I should just confess everything,” Barba replied sarcastically. “How exactly did you come up with this amusing theory, anyway?”

“I'm a detective. It's my job to find clues, piece them together, and come to a conclusion. You're as guilty as the day is long, counselor.”

“I wasn't aware that I was on trial here. Not that it's any of your business, but Carisi and I are just friends. Nothing else.”

“But you two haven't been acting friendly lately. At least YOU haven't. And it becomes my business when there's something going on between the ADA and one of my staff members.”

Barba sighed deeply. “There is nothing going on, Liv.”

“You made sure of that, didn't you? Look, I don't care what you two do away from work. What I do care is when it affects Carisi to the point where I don't even recognize him anymore.”

“What's wrong? What's the matter with him?” Barba asked immediately.

“Nothing that a little t.l.c. wouldn't cure, especially if it came from a certain Manhattan ADA we all know and love,” she replied softly. “You might want to know that Carisi hasn't been himself for some time. He's been moody and despondent at times and often keeps to himself. It's not a coincidence that it happened around the time you started keeping your distance from him. If you ask me, I think he misses you.”

“So now you're a mind reader as well. Carisi will be fine. He's seeing someone now, isn't he?” Even as he spoke, Barba felt his heart twinge in unspoken jealousy. It hadn't been easy hearing from the grapevine that Sonny had moved on, but he knew that it was for the best. “And before you ask how I knew, don't even bother. I have my sources.”

“Well your source was wrong this time. He WAS seeing someone, but she broke it off with him a few weeks ago.”

“I'm sorry for his loss, but I don't see what that has to do with me.”

“Don't you? Barba, we've known each other for long time. You never do anything without a reason or a purpose. I have a hunch that you've been keeping your distance from Carisi because you were giving him a chance to spread his wings and see if he would reciprocate your feelings.”

“Why would I want to do that when he's already expressed his feelings regarding the subject? He's made it perfectly clear that he's not ready to be in a relationship with me.”

“I knew it. You DO have feelings for him.”

Barba felt his cheeks flush hotly from being caught red-handed. Liv had to exercise every bit of self-control not to laugh. Who ever thought that Rafael Barba was capable of blushing from embarrassment?

“I don't suppose it would do any good to deny it?” Barba replied with a chagrin. He hated showing his vulnerable side, even it was in front of Liv.

“Not a chance, _amigo_.”

“ _Dios mio_ ,” he muttered under his breath. “How did I get into this situation anyway? How did I go from giving Carisi a hard time to wanting to be with him?”

“You never had a chance. Face it, he had you hooked the minute he asked, ' _Am I right, counselor_?”

“To be honest, it might have been even earlier at that. At first, I didn't want to believe it. I mean, here was this skinny, annoying kid from Staten Island who was a detective and going to night school at Fordham Law. He drove me nuts whenever he inserted his unsolicited opinions. And yet, he also had an uncanny ability to surprise me at every turn whether it was a keen observation or a theory that turned out to be true.”

“So what finally changed your mind about him?”

Barba's eyes lowered for a brief moment in contemplation before answering, “His compassion. His stubbornness. His passion for justice and for the law. And his unwavering faith. Carisi is such a positive person and I'm ever the pessimist. It makes me wonder why he would ever want to be with someone like me.”

“Why wouldn't he? You're everything he aspires to be. If you weren't a prosecutor, he would still admire your strength, your passion, and your determination. Even if you ARE a jerk sometimes.”

“Thanks a lot,” Barba replied sarcastically. “You sure know how to make a person feel better.”

“Can't let you get too much of a swelled head. Hey, you've got nothing to worry about. I'd bet dollars to donuts that Carisi wants to be with you.”

“Did he tell you that in so many words or is it just your feminine intuition?”

“Let's just say that I can tell.”

“So that would be a no,” Barba replied in a dead-pan voice.

“Stop being so negative. You know, you could ask him that question yourself instead of letting this go on unresolved. Or are you too scared to even do that?”

“I'm not scared,” Barba replied softly. “I'm terrified of what his answer will be. I've always thought that I had all the answers, but this is one that I would rather not be privy to if it turns out for the worse.”

“You'll never know unless you try. What have you got to lose?”

“Everything.”

* * *

 Sonny's eyes wandered over to Olivia's office where she and Barba were engrossed in a lively conversation. He was sitting casually with his feet propped up on the chair next to him, with his legs crossed over each other, revealing horizontal striped colored socks that looked absolutely hideous against the rest of his chic ensemble. Sonny continued to stare in envy at them. Liv had such a close relationship with Barba. It was almost like they were kindred spirits, each knowing what the other was thinking. It was the kind of closeness Sonny wished he could have with Barba.

With a sigh of resignation Sonny went back to his paperwork. It was no use pining for what he couldn't have. Even if Barba was still interested in Sonny, it wasn't like they could see each other openly. Barba was already on shaky ground with the DA's office after several high profile cases involving City Hall and One PP and didn't need the added headache of a personal relationship messing things up even more. Sonny didn't want anything to hurt Barba's reputation or Liv's for that matter. She had already been through enough to last several lifetimes. They finally emerged from her office with similar expression on their faces, as if they were sharing a private joke. Sonny felt his heart clench tightly against his chest. It was like rubbing salt in the wound.

“You still here, Carisi?” Liv asked in surprise as she surveyed the now empty office. “Go on home.”

“I was just about to leave. Counselor,” Sonny said in a neutral voice as he addressed Barba.

“Detective,” he replied, finally acknowledging him. Sonny was convinced that he only did that for appearance's sake.

“Remember Barba, we'll need that warrant to search the perp's house. The sooner the better. We don't know what this guy's capable of doing if he even suspects that we're on to him.”

“Just remember to watch your back. I don't want the same end results as the Munson case.”

“I'll be damned twice over before I ever let that happen again.”

“That's what I was counting on,” Barba replied knowing what Liv’s answer was going to be.

Liv smiled as she walked towards the elevator and disappeared into the night.

There was an awkward silence as Sonny and Barba were left alone in the now empty office.

Barba was the first to initiate contact. “You're looking well, detective.”

“So are you, counselor.”

“It's Rafael, remember?” Barba replied gently in that sultry, oh so sexy voice of his.

Sonny felt his stomach flutter in response. It wasn't fair that Barba wasn't as affected as Sonny was by their lack of interaction over the past few months. Didn't he care at all?

“We're still at work, remember?” Sonny retorted.

“But no one else is around. And we're not discussing work, are we?”

“You've got an answer for everything, haven't you?”

“More or less,” Barba replied confidently.

“Then tell me something, Mr. Smarty Pants prosecutor. Why have you been treating me like I have the plague? It's like we're back to square one when we first met and you completely ignored me.”

“With all due respect, YOU'RE the one that's been ignoring me.”

“Why do people always use that phrase when they clearly have no intention of doing that?”

“Because it's just a way of softening the blow. Isn't it true detective, that you've been purposely keeping your distance in order to avoid dealing with the fact that you have feelings for me?”

Sonny's eyes widened in shock and dismay at being called out. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. And how did you find out anyway?”

“I didn't know for sure...until now.”

“That was a dirty trick. Why the hell didn't you ever say anything, Rafael? Why did you let me twist in the wind for months? Do you get some sick thrill out of tormenting me?”

Barba let out a deep breath as he perched himself on the edge of Sonny's desk. “Because I had to let you work this out on your own and at your own pace. I didn't want to influence you in any way. I wanted it to be your decision.”

“How very unselfish of you,” Sonny replied sarcastically. “I'd hate to see how you are when you don't give a damn.”

“I knew how confused you must have been with your background and most likely not having a lot of experience.”

“I've had plenty of experiences before,” Sonny protested hotly.

Barba tilted his head and gave him a sideways glance. “You know what I meant by that. I didn't want to force you into something that you weren't ready for. And besides, I know that you've been feeling a little lost lately, because you're not practicing law at the moment.”

“Liv again?” Sonny surmised intuitively.

“Who else? She notices everything.”

Sonny was silent as he gathered his thoughts. “I know I've been moody lately and also in the past few months. I told myself that it was the post stress of finishing night school and preparing for the bar exam, but I was just fooling myself because I didn’t want to face the truth. I used to be a happy-go-lucky guy without a care in the world. I thought I had my future all figured out. And then I met you. Nothing's been the same ever since.”

“Are you actually blaming me for that?” Barba asked incredulously.

“You're the one that turned my world upside down. In the first year I was here, you barely acknowledged my existence. You treated me like an inconvenience and only tolerated me. And then you slowly started to let me into your world. I was amazed you would actually agree to let me shadow you. I thought you were beginning to respect me and that we finally found some common ground. Just when I thought we were getting along and things were settling down, you went back to the way it was in the beginning. I didn't know what I had done to deserve the cold shoulder. Based on the evidence presented before me, it was logical for me to conclude that you didn't want to bother with me anymore.”

Barba really did feel for Sonny. He couldn't blame him one bit for thinking the worst this time. Especially not when Barba had done his best impression of pretending to ignore him. How could he ever forget Sonny's warm smile? His self-deprecating sense of humor and his humble compassionate heart that was too big to contain. And how could he forget how Sonny felt in his arms and how sweet he tasted? Barba couldn't forget, nor did he want to. That's when he knew that he was done for. Somehow, against all odds, he had fallen for Sonny hook, line, and sinker.

“I mean how could someone like you even consider wanting to be with someone like me? We have so little in common other than the law. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I finally realized why the situation was bothering so much. It was because I wanted to be with you and I thought that was never going to happen after I ran away that night you kissed me.”

“So you decided that staying away from me was the only thing to do under the circumstances,” Barba surmised. “That makes a whole lot of sense.”

“Can you try not being sarcastic for like 5 seconds? I didn't say that it made sense. It was just what was going through my head. And this isn't easy for me, you know. It's not like I fall for a guy every day, especially when it's someone like you.”

“I wasn't aware that it was supposed to be easy. Relationships are complicated and messy sometimes. That's a given fact of life.”

“Oh I've known that for some time. You don't realize how much of a hold you have over me, Rafael. I even tried seeing other people, but you were always there in the back of my mind. And I couldn't forget our first kiss. Ultimately, I thought it would be better for the both of us if I kept my distance from you. I was only tormenting myself wanting what I couldn’t have. I even talked myself into believing that I was bad for your career. I would never forgive myself if you ever got into hot water again with the DA because of me.”

“Don't take this personally Carisi, but that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I might have to answer to the DA and City Hall professionally, but my personal life is off limits. And as for the rest of what you said, you may need to brush up on your detective skills. Of course, I care about you. Why do you think I went all the way to your parents' house in Staten Island so I could clear up that misunderstanding? Or when I continued preparing you for the bar exam when I didn't have to. Or did you honestly think I would let you blackmail me into going to dinner with you if I didn't want to go? That kiss should have told you all that you needed to know.”

Sonny's head whipped up angrily. “What else was I supposed to think? I couldn't understand the sudden change in your attitude towards me. I get it if you were just busy, but you always have time for Liv no matter the circumstances. I mean what does that make me? Chopped liver or something? I know I'm just some guy from Staten Island, but I've worked my ass off for everything I've earned, from making detective to passing the bar. I think I've earned a little respect from you.”

“Is there anything else you'd like to add?” Barba prompted patiently.

“Just one more thing. You guessed right that I was purposely ignoring you. It wasn't so much ignoring you, as it was keeping myself occupied and seeing if I really had feelings for you.”

“And were the results conclusive?”

“Yes, they were. Heaven help me, I realized that I do have feelings for you Rafael Barba. I have from the moment I laid eyes on you even when you were being so mean to me. I thought that if I kept my distance, my feelings for you would go away. It would have been the best solution for both of us. But they were too strong for me to ignore any longer. I missed you so much, Rafael. And I'm hoping that you missed me a little. Is it just my imagination? Does any part of you still want to be with me?”

Sonny couldn't look any more adorable than at that precise moment. His eyebrows were knitted together into that distinct “II” sign in between his eyes whenever he expressed concern or when he was worried about something. Barba leaned across the desk and softly pressed his lips against the younger man's forehead, putting Sonny out of his misery. The look in his baby blue eyes was a mixture of shock, surprise, and relief all at once.

“You know, you could have saved yourself a lot of heartache if you had told me this sooner,” Barba replied huskily before diving in to claim Sonny's parted lips.

Sonny closed his eyes and leaned forward to return Barba's kiss enthusiastically and without hesitation this time. It was so intoxicating just being near him and inhaling his cologne. This was what Sonny missed these past few months. The closeness, the intimacy, and the fact that this sexy Cuban could stir feelings in him that he didn't even know existed. He gave absolutely no resistance when Barba reached over to cradle Sonny's cheek in his hand and easily pried his mouth open to deepen the kiss. The effect was immediate as Sonny let out a guttural moan which only encouraged Barba to continue his exploration. Sonny didn't know how long they stayed like that, but he didn't care. As far as he was concerned, it could go on forever.

And then all of a sudden Barba pulled away abruptly, breaking the spell. He was such a tease.

“Wait a minute. Just where the hell do you think you're going?” Sonny demanded when Barba got up and headed towards the elevator. “You kiss me like that and then just walk away?”

“Much as I hate to break up this cozy little party, I have to be in court in the morning. Rest assured, we’ll continue this discussion later. It appears that we have much to talk about.”

“Rafael...” Sonny protested as he got up to his feet.

“Don't worry, Carisi. I have no intention of ignoring you any longer,” he replied softly.

And with that last word, and his usual confident smirk, Barba was gone. But this time, Sonny didn't have to worry. Barba wasn't going away forever. He wanted to be with Sonny and there was the promise of so much more. Sonny put his fingertips to his lips, which still tingled as he smiled gently. It hasn't ended after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Upload date: 19Nov2017  
> 1\. I'm contemplating ending this story here and continuing it in another series. Would appreciate your input. I think it would work in either case.  
> 2\. Just wanted to say that I really appreciate you all for taking the time to read my drabbles and for all your kind words. It's really nice that different fandoms can get along and still appreciate each others' works.  
> 3\. Have a blessed day wherever you are!


	8. Private Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah, thank you so much for your replies! I really appreciate it. As you can see, I will continue on. So without further ado, I present the next chapter. Enjoy!

"This is a little strange, isn't it?"

Sonny and Barba were relaxing on the couch watching  _Heart's Desire_ , after Sonny had cooked an authentic Italian dinner that would have made Mama Carisi proud, complete with tiramisu for dessert. Sonny wasn't really paying too much attention to the reality tv show that Rollins got him hooked on. He was too busy enjoying being with Barba who had put work aside for one night so they could spend some quality time together. Barba was definitely not paying attention. He had described watching that particular show akin to " _his brain cells dying one by one_." But he was willing to put up with it for Sonny's sake. Instead, he draped his arm around Sonny's shoulder while the younger man wrapped his arm across Barba's abdomen as he snuggled up against him.

"What's strange? You mean the fact that you haven't said a word in the past 10 minutes or that we've been seeing each other for the past month?"

Sonny smiled into Barba's shoulder before shifting his position so that he could look into Barba's green eyes.

"Maybe a little of both," Sonny replied softly. "I mean if anyone told me that we would end up together when I first came to Manhattan SVU, I would have told them they were out of their minds."

"If anyone told ME that I would fall for someone from Staten Island who had aspirations of becoming a lawyer I would have said the same thing."

"And just what is wrong with Staten Island?" Sonny replied defensively.

"Got a week?" Barba quipped.

Sonny was about to come up with a smart retort until he realized that he was being teased.

"Oh no you don't. You're not going to make me fall for that one again."

"Like I said before, you learn fast, detective."

"Damn right, I do."

Barba reached over to trace the curve of Sonny's cheek with the back of his fingers before crossing the gap between them to kiss him. Sonny reached up to caress the back of Barba's neck with his fingers in response.

"Mmm. It's nice to finally get you all to myself," Sonny purred after they separated for air. "I'm glad you were able to take the whole night off, Rafael."

"I'm glad too. That was quite a meal you cooked. I can see why Rollins always invites you over to cook for her."

"You're not jealous, are you?"

"Yes, I am," Barba replied in mock severity. "I want to be the only person you cook for."

Sonny's heart swelled with pride. "You're going to have to learn to share. Didn't your mother ever teach you that?"

"I can't help being spoiled, Carisi. I was an only child."

"You can't use that as a defense, counselor. There are plenty people who didn't end up spoiled because they were an only child. The circumstances of your upbringing have no bearing in this situation whatsoever."

"See, this is the problem with dating another lawyer. Half the time, you end up arguing."

"I can think of better ways to spend our time," Sonny replied suggestively.

Barba smirked confidently as he leaned forward, forcing Sonny backwards until he was half laying against the cushions behind him. "I'll just bet you do," he replied huskily before bending down to trace his lips along the pulsing vein on Sonny's neck and moving upwards before settling behind the sensitive area behind his ear. He loved making Sonny gasp and moan in pleasure as the younger man's long arms wrapped around Barba's back, massaging the muscles beneath his fingers. In the beginning of their relationship, Sonny had been hesitant with their intimacy, but Barba had been patient with him. He didn't want to force Sonny to do anything that he didn't want to do or that he wasn't comfortable with. It was hell for Barba, but he knew that it would be worth the wait. What he didn't realize was that Sonny was a very eager learner as well as a quick study. At this rate, Barba wouldn't have to wait very long with the way Sonny responded to him.

The sudden ringing of his phone made Sonny jump in surprise.

"Let it ring," Barba murmured against his throat as he started to deftly unbutton Sonny's shirt. Barba loved touching and caressing the soft, creamy skin beneath with his lips. He just couldn't help himself. Sonny reached blindly on the coffee table for his cell phone. He couldn't help being distracted by Barba's roaming lips, especially as they were coming close to another one of his sensitive areas.

"It might be important. Do you want it hanging over your conscience if it is?"

"Fine," Barba grumbled as he reluctantly pulled away.

"Carisi speaking...What? Right now? You gotta be freakin' kidding...But it's my night off...Yeah, yeah I know. I'll be right there."

"Don't tell me. You've got another case and they want you at the scene of the crime."

"I'm sorry. It can't be helped," Sonny replied apologetically. "We're short staffed at the moment and Liv wants everyone available."

"This is what I get for dating a cop."

Sonny felt his heart tighten in response. "Is that how you really feel?"

Barba felt like kicking himself for his insensitivity at times. He reached over to pull Sonny within the circle of his arms and leaned his forehead against Sonny's forehead. He could feel the younger man relax immediately.

"Don't mind me. My mouth has a mind of its own sometimes."

Sonny shook his head slightly from side to side. "I was just being overly sensitive. I still have to pinch myself sometimes when I think about how lucky I am to be with you. I just don't want it to end so soon."

Barba pulled back and raised one eyebrow in response. "Have you been anticipating such a scenario, Carisi?"

"I should have warned you that I don't have a great track record with long lasting relationships. I guess I've conditioned myself to expect the worst."

"Yeah well, I'm not so great in that department as well," Barba replied softly. "Maybe this gives us more incentive to do better, hmm?"

Sonny smiled gently. "Agreed. You might as well take off. It looks like I could be a while from the sound of it. I promise to make it up to you."

"Great. Just what I wanted. A night off so I could go to bed early."

"Well, at least you got a good meal out of it, if I do say so myself. And besides, a man your age certainly needs his rest," Sonny teased.

He knew that Barba wasn't even close to being old, but Sonny couldn't help ribbing him a little, especially after all the crap he took early on in their relationship. How was it that some people only got more attractive as they got older?

Sonny gasped in surprise as Barba pulled him abruptly against his chest before planting a deep kiss on his rosy lips.

"Just saving my energy for the main event," Barba replied huskily before leaving.

" _Mamma mia_ ," Sonny murmured breathlessly. How was he supposed to concentrate on work after THAT?

* * *

"Sorry to interrupt you Mr. Barba, but you have a visitor."

"I said no exceptions, Carmen."

"I know that sir, but it's your mother."

"Oh, so now I have to make an appointment to see my own son?" a familiar voice asked sarcastically as Lucia hovered at the doorway in to Barba's office. "Next thing I know, you'll be charging me a retainer fee." It was easy to see where Barba got his sarcasm from.

"It's all right Carmen. Thank you."

When they were alone, he went over to kiss her cheek. "Mami, what are you doing here?"

"You haven't been back home in a while so I decided to come see you. Where have you been hiding yourself, Rafi?"

"I told you. I've been busy," he replied evasively.

"Uh huh," Lucia replied skeptically as she sat down on the couch. "Do you want to try that again?"

"Why do I have the distinct feeling that I'm on trial here?"

"Nobody's on trial, darling. Come here and sit down."

Barba gave a questioning eyebrow before joining her on the couch.

"The last time you stayed away like this for so long was when you and Yelina were seeing each other. I remember how you used follow her around like a little puppy. You two were so into each other."

"Is there a point to this stroll down memory lane?"

"You two haven't rekindled those old embers, have you?"

"What?! That's ridiculous. She's married and has two children. And the fact that she blames me for ruining Alex's career should tell you that there is no ' _us_ '. Besides, I gave up a long time ago when she chose him over me."

"My poor baby. You never really got over that."

Barba got up and started gesticulating with his hands in annoyance. "No, no, no. I am NOT having this discussion with my mother."

"Well something's been occupying all your time lately. If it isn't Yelina, then it must mean... there's a new person in your life. That's it, isn't it? You're seeing someone else now."

"If I say yes, will you please drop this nonsense about her?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Fine. Yes, I'm seeing someone else now. We've been dating for a month. Happy now?"

"Rafi, that's wonderful! Tell me all about her."

"What makes you think it's a her?" he asked softly.

Lucia's expression went blank for a few seconds as she absorbed this revelation. "Does he make you happy?"

Barba smiled as he thought of Sonny's irrepressible smile, his adorable dimples, and the fact that he had such a big heart. With Yelina, he had always felt second best, but with Sonny, Barba felt like he was cherished and adored.

"Yes. Yes, he does."

Lucia got up and took her only child's face in her hands before kissing his cheek. "Then that's good enough for me. But I want to meet this new beau of yours."

"Please, one crisis at a time. I don't want to scare him away after only a month."

"I could take offense to that. You're lucky that I don't get easily offended."

"I just mean that this is new territory for him and I want to ease him into the relationship. If I bring him to meet you now, he might think I'm suggesting a long-term commitment."

"Would that be so bad?" Lucia asked softly. "After all, you're not getting any younger."

"Oh, good grief. First Carisi and now, you. I am NOT that old. Besides, if I'm old, then that would make you..."

"Never mind. I get your point. Carisi, huh? So he's Italian. Nice."

"I'm really really busy, so if there's nothing else..."

"I'm glad that work isn't the only thing in your life. Just come visit me once in a while, hmm?"

"I will. I promise."

"And...?" Lucia prompted.

Barba rolled his eyes and let out a reluctant sigh. "And, I promise to bring Carisi over as well."

"It's so nice to know that you still listen to me Rafi," Lucia replied in satisfaction before hugging her son warmly. Barba smiled gently as he watched her leave.

"Thanks, Mom," he replied into the empty room.

* * *

"So, how's that McCarthy case coming along?" Sonny asked as he was sifting through the pile of depositions on Barba's desk.

"Not as solid as I'd like it to be. The judge won't allow the confession by the perp."

"Why not? It wasn't coerced."

"Judge Bertuccio thinks otherwise. I swear, the old buzzard always seems to end up on the docket. He's had it in for me ever since the Laura Collett case. I won't lose any sleep if he suddenly comes down with a bad case of the runs."

"I'm glad you don't think that way about all Italians," Sonny joked.

Barba gave him a seductive look that made Sonny all hot and flustered. "I only save my positive energy for you, Carisi."

"Keep your mind on work, counselor," Sonny replied unevenly.

"I would if you'd just stop distracting me with your ocean blue eyes, your soft creamy skin, your..."

"Rafael," the younger man warned in a more stern voice.

"Spoilsport."

Sonny suddenly became serious. "Is the case really that bad for you?"

Barba sighed tiredly. "It is, if I can't convince the jury without using the confession."

"You'll think of something. I know you will."

"Your confidence never ceases to amaze me."

"I believe in your abilities and your experience. More importantly, I believe in you."

"From your mouth to the jury's ears."

Sonny got up and walked around the desk, perching himself on the edge. "This isn't like you to be so insecure. What's up?"

"I am NOT being insecure. Don't look into something that isn't there."

"Nice try, but that won't work on me. Come on, Rafael. Level with me."

Barba was silent for a few moments before replying, "Maybe I'm losing my touch, Carisi."

Sonny looked at him as though Barba had lost his mind. "What are you talking about? That's crazy."

"Is it? I used to be relentless and didn't give a crap about what anyone thought as long as I won my cases. Results were all that I cared about. But now...I don't know. I'm just not the same person anymore."

"You're still the same relentless, doesn't-give-a-crap, give-em-hell prosecutor that first came to Manhattan. I think the only difference is that you let yourself care a little more now than you did before. That's what happens when you invest yourself in something you believe in. But it doesn't make you weak. And it doesn't mean you're any less effective at what you do."

"You may be just a tiny bit biased."

"Maybe I am. But it also happens to be the truth. You are a good lawyer and good prosecutor. Don't ever doubt who you are."

Barba looked at Sonny fondly. "How do you always know what to say at exactly right the time?"

"It doesn't take a detective to figure that out. I want you to know that no matter what happens, I'll always support you, Rafael. I always have."

Barba reached over to pull Sonny onto his lap so that the younger man was sitting sideways. He then wrapped his arms around Sonny's slim waist. Despite his height, Sonny was surprisingly light.

"Stop it. This is embarrassing. What if Carmen sees us?" Sonny protested lightly.

"Well, it's a good thing I keep the blinds closed whenever you stop by for just such an occasion."

Barba's expression softened as he gazed into Sonny's eyes. "You've been so busy with work lately and I've been swamped as well. Let me hold you for a little while."

Sonny linked his hands around Barba's neck and pressed a warm kiss on his lips before resting his forehead against his. He missed Barba just as much, if not more.

"You sure can be adorable when you want to be," Sonny murmured.

Barba's hands wandered to Sonny's waist and froze immediately when Sonny winced in pain after pressing on the area just below his hip.

"Carisi, what is it?" Barba asked as he recoiled in concern.

"It's nothing."

"It's not nothing. You're hurt, aren't you?"

"I'm fine. It's just a bone bruise. I got it a couple of nights ago during an undercover operation."

"Why does it always have to be you?" Barba asked quietly.

"Because it's part of my job. I knew what I was getting into when I became a cop. Just like you knew what you were getting into being an ADA when someone threatened to crack open your skull."

"That's a totally different set of circumstances."

Sonny pulled back slightly. "How? How is that possibly different?"

"You have more chances of getting hurt than I do. Every time you go out on assignment, I worry that you might stabbed or shot if something goes down and you get caught in the crossfire."

"Would you rather I sit at my desk and do nothing but paperwork? I made a promise to protect and serve. I can't do that from behind my desk."

"I know, I know."

"I wish I could promise you that I won't get hurt, but I don't make promises that I can't keep. There are always going to be dangers with being a cop. You know that, Rafael."

Barba lowered his gaze. "I just wish you weren't always the one going undercover."

Sonny's eyebrows furrowed together. "Why didn't you ever mention this before?"

"Because I knew that you would be stubborn and tell me that it was part of your job."

"I still wish you would have told me."

Barba looked into Sonny's eyes. "I'm telling you now."

"So now what? Do you want me to stop being a cop? Is that what you want?"

"Of course not. Carisi, I can't help it that I wish you would stop taking so many risks. I don't want what happened with Dobbs to happen to you."

"It's not like I want to or have any say in the matter. If I gave you an ultimatum that affected your career, what would you tell me?"

Barba sighed in defeat before replying, "Probably to mind your own business and that I know what I'm doing."

"I rest my case. Look, I don't know how long I'll be a cop. But as long as I'm wearing this badge, I'm going to do what I have to do."

"You're becoming more and more like me every day, Carisi."

"I'll take that as a compliment. Can I add one more thing?"

"You're going to anyway, aren't you? Well, what is it?"

"Don't ever stop worrying about me," Sonny replied softly.

Barba pulled Sonny against him and answered with a heartfelt kiss. That was one promise he would have no problem keeping.

* * *

_Upload date: 24Nov2017_


	9. Breaking Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Preview: Barba helps Sonny in his time of need  
> Timeline: Episode 18x07 (Next Chapter)

Sonny looked at his incoming text message and smiled fondly. It was from Barba, telling him that he was looking forward to their make-up date in a few days that ended prematurely when Sonny had been called away for another SVU case. He immediately texted back, asking facetiously when Barba was going to cook dinner like he promised awhile back. Sonny almost burst out laughing out loud when Barba replied with an angry face emoji with its tongue sticking out at him. Well, ask a silly question, get a silly answer in return. It was so like Barba. But it was one of the reasons why Sonny adored him so much.

"What's so funny?" Fin asked curiously from his desk when he saw Sonny smiling broadly.

"Huh? Oh, nothing. Just a joke from a friend," Sonny replied quickly locking his phone.

"Is this ' _friend_ ' of yours ever going to show up?" Rollins asked suggestively. "I'm beginning to think that you're just making it up."

"Since when do I have to share every aspect of my personal life with you guys?" Sonny replied defensively.

"You get that subtle hint, Fin?" Rollins said sarcastically.

"Loud and clear. I guess we're not important enough to know."

"It's not that, guys. Is a little privacy too much too to ask?"

"Yes," Fin and Rollins replied as a of matter of fact.

Sonny rolled his eyes in exasperation. Olivia couldn't help overhearing from her office and chuckled knowingly to herself at Sonny's expense. If Fin and Rollins knew the identity of who Sonny's ' _friend'_ really was, they would never let him live it down.

* * *

_A few days later..._

Sonny looked at his reflection in the bathroom mirror at the station and frowned immediately. Even though he had gotten most of the crimson fluid off his face, he could still feel Tom Cole's blood on him. It had been several hours after the hostage standoff and Sonny was still shaken up. For the first time in his life, he had come within milliseconds of his own mortality. Sonny had been close several times before in his career as cop, but never as close as when the gun was literally pointed against his forehead. He really thought that it was the end. They say your life flashes before your eyes when facing death. All that Sonny could think of in his last moments, was that he would never get to see his family and friends again. He would never be able to do all the things he wanted to do. Worst of all, he would never get the chance to tell Barba how much he truly cared about him.

With everything that had happened in the aftermath of the hostage crisis, Sonny didn't even have a chance to talk to Barba at all. It had been a chaotic blur with the flurry of police related activites, the press, and IAB's immediate intervention. After being interviewed or rather, interrogated by IAB for hours, he was finally allowed to leave. It was already past 9:00 at night and everyone had already left the station. Sonny didn't feel like going back to an empty apartment where he would be alone with his thoughts. He needed to be with someone, but not just anyone would do. He needed to be with Barba.

* * *

 "This better be good," Barba replied irritably into his cellphone. He was about to drift off to sleep since he had an early breakfast meeting with the DA, only to be awakened by a call from Liv.

"Has Carisi been in touch with you lately?"

Barba frowned when he heard the concern reflected in her voice. "I haven't talked to him since this morning. Why?"

"I've tried calling and texting him for several hours, but he isn't answering. I checked with the night detail at the station and they said that he already left."

"Don't most people leave when it's time to go home?" Barba replied drily.

"This isn't a laughing matter. I'm really worried about him."

"Carisi is a big boy, Liv. Contrary to popular opinion, he can take care of himself. I'm sure he's fine. Maybe he went to help an old lady walk across the street or save a puppy or something."

"You don't understand. Carisi and I were involved in that hostage situation earlier today when we were trying to arrest Tom Cole. In all the excitement and my responsibilities afterward, I didn't get a chance to check up on Carisi, personally. He initially said that he was okay, but since he hasn't been answering his phone, I'm inclined to think otherwise."

"What a minute, what happened to him?" Barba demanded as he shot up to a sitting position in bed. "Liv, what happened?"

"Cole surprised Carisi from behind and pointed a gun to his head when he was trying to rescue the victim," she replied solemnly.

" _Oh god, it's worse than I thought,"_ Barba thought to himself. He knew this would happen one day, but he didn't think it would be so soon. "Why was he all alone? Shouldn't you have been his backup?"

"I was on the phone trying to convince Cole into letting Quinn go. He could have shot at both of us before turning it on her. We had no choice, but to split up. Carisi thought he could get the upper hand and surprise him, but Cole anticipated it."

"You should have thought of another way, Liv. You're the one that has more experience in this kind of situation."

"I know you're worried Rafael, but this isn't the first time he's been in this kind of situation," she replied defensively.

"That's comforting, considering he almost got his head blown off," Barba replied coldly, barely keeping a rein on his emotions.

He raked his hand through his already tousled hair in frustration. To think that he might have lost Sonny rattled Barba in a way that he never knew he could feel. He thought that nothing would compare with the loss of his beloved  _abuelita_ when she passed away, but he was wrong. Even though he and Sonny had been dating for two months, it felt like they had been together for much longer than that. It taken so long for Barba to acknowledge that he even had feelings for Sonny. When Yelina had chosen Alex Muñoz, Barba had closed off his heart, except for his family, and a few close friends. He became guarded and used his sarcasm as a shield to protect himself from getting hurt again. But somehow, Sonny found a way to break through his defenses without even trying, even when Barba had done everything to discourage him. He was the one who made Barba want to take another crack at a meaningful relationship, which was a monumental task as far as Barba was concerned. It was a sobering thought to think that it could have been taken away from him in the blink of an eye.

"We were following standard procedures. Our backup hadn't arrived yet and we had to act quickly. Fortunately, Carisi was able to keep Cole occupied and distracted long enough for me to get a clean shot. I swear Rafael, I came as fast as I could. If I could have switched places with him, I would have done it in a heartbeat."

"I know that you did what you had to do," Barba replied in apologetic tone. "Liv, Carisi wouldn't...I mean he's not going to do anything rash, is he?"

"In his state of mind and after everything he's been through, anything is possible. But Carisi is stronger than he looks. He'll get through this. And besides, he has you now. That's more than enough incentive for him."

"Are you sure that isn't more of a deterrent?"

"I'd bet my life on it."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence. How are YOU doing with all of this?"

"I'd feel a lot better if I heard from Carisi. He told me that he was all right, but I should have realized that he wasn't being completely up front about it at the time."

"Well, he does have a habit of trying to please people. I'm constantly telling him that he can't please everyone."

"But he sure does try his best, doesn't he?" she replied softly.

"Yeah, he sure does," Barba agreed. "Hold on. I just got a text from Carisi."

" _Can I stop by your place_?" Sonny texted.

" _Where are you?_ " Barba texted back.

" _Parked outside your building_."

Barba breathed a sigh of relief before telling him to come up and then turned his attention back to Liv. "It's okay. He's here outside my apartment complex."

"Oh, thank God. When you see Carisi, tell him to take all the time he needs. I don't want him rushing back to work before he's ready. IAB got everything they needed and I can answer any other inquiries."

"You're not coming over to check on him?"

"I assumed that you would be taking over from this point on," she replied coyly. "And besides, I can't leave Noah alone."

"Don't worry. I'll take care good care of Carisi."

"You'd better, or you'll have to answer to me."

* * *

When Barba opened the door a few minutes later, he was shocked to find Sonny looking so haggard and emotionally drained. He had been through hell and it showed.

"I'm sorry for coming so late and disturbing you," Sonny offered apologetically.

"Don't be sorry," Barba replied as he ushered Sonny into his apartment. "And I'm glad you came."

"I just didn't feel like going home yet."

"That's understandable considering what you've been through. Liv told me what happened earlier."

"I wanted to call you and tell you myself, but I didn't get a chance. And then IAB did their investigation which took forever. I just wanted to get the hell out of there as soon as I could."

"Well, I don't blame you one bit. You like like hell."

"I feel like it. Ugh, I must look like a mess. IAB's questioning took so long that I didn't get a chance to shower and change before I left."

Barba's eyes narrowed as he noticed the small bits of caked dried blood in various spots along Sonny's hairline and scalp as well as on his shirt collar and jacket. To think that he still carried this with him all night long made Barba shudder slightly. No wonder Sonny was in such a state.

"Well, under the circumstances, I think you're allowed a little leeway."

"Liv saved my life, you know. Cole had the gun pointed at my forehead right in front of me. I was literally looking down the barrel. All he had to do was pull the trigger..."

"Carisi..." Barba protested. He hated seeing Sonny like this.

"I should have been more aware of my surroundings. I should have known that Cole was nearby. I'm supposed to be prepared for situations like this, but I let him get the upper hand and I jeopardized Quinn's life as well in the process. If Liv had come a second later, I would have...I would have..."

Barba's heart ached for Sonny. "Don't do this. Don't blame yourself."

"I can't help it. I thought I was ready and could handle anything, but when it came to the real thing, I messed up."

"You didn't mess up. And nobody blames you. You were doing what you were trained to do in that kind of situation. That's all that anyone can ask."

"I was trying to play the hero," Sonny corrected Barba solemnly. "No matter how positive a spin you put on it, I underestimated Cole and allowed him to put me in a vulnerable position."

"Nobody is perfect. Don't beat yourself up for something that was out of your control. You're alive and that's all that matters."

Sonny's lips quivered ever so slightly as the last remaining vestiges of his self-control were slipping away. He was trying so hard not to show much he had been affected, but he couldn't hold it in any longer. He looked into Barba's green eyes and replied in a hoarse, anguished voice, "Rafael..."

Barba immediately folded Sonny into his arms as the younger man crumpled into his embrace. He cradled the back of Sonny's head with one hand, while supporting his body with the other and holding him closely. Sonny buried his face against Barba's neck and squeezed his eyes shut, clinging tightly to the older man. He needed to feel Barba's steady heartbeat against his chest and he needed his warmth.

"It's okay Sonny," Barba cooed soothingly. "It's okay."

Barba didn't know how long they stayed like that but it didn't matter. He held Sonny for as long as was needed until the fear and anxiety passed. It was just as much for Barba's sake as it was for the wonderful man cradled in his arms. Holding Sonny like this reinforced the fact that he was alive and he was safe. When Sonny finally pulled away, he was looking much improved.

"Since when did you start calling me,  _Sonny_?" he asked with a faint smile after pulling away slightly.

"Since now. Anyway, I think it's about time I did. Feeling a little better?"

"Yeah. I think I just needed to let it all out. I was kind of in a state of shock and going through the motions after it happened. I guess I was on auto-pilot or something and then it just hit me all at once."

"You don't have to rush it. Liv says you can take your time before going back to work. She called me to check up on you."

"I'm not a child," Sonny protested.

"Then stop acting like one. Liv has gone through this before and she knows what she's talking about. It would behoove you to take her advice. But for the time being, you're going to go into the bathroom and take a nice long hot shower, while I make you something to eat. I'll leave some clothes for you in the spare room."

"Um, no offense, but we're not exactly the same size."

"Are you implying that I'm overweight?" Barba asked in mock anger.

"No! No of course not! I just meant that I'm more, um...vertically challenged."

"Not to worry. I have some lounge wear that you can borrow."

"You just happened to have clothes that'll fit me?" Sonny asked suspiciously with a raised eyebrow.

"Don't look at me like that. The website I ordered them from, sent the wrong size by mistake and told me to keep them. I guess now I can put them to good use. Any other questions?"

"Just one. You told me that you couldn't cook. Did you suddenly have an epiphany or something?"

"If I recall correctly, I said that I didn't cook. You just assumed that I couldn't."

"Well, you're always eating at all those fancy restaurants, getting takeout, or nibbling on snacks in your office and at the station. You can't blame me for thinking that you didn't know how to cook."

"Maybe I'm just too busy to cook. Did you ever think of that? You're not the only one who knows his way around a kitchen, you know."

"If you say so, Rafael."

"Skeptical, eh? Good. Maybe you learned something in night school after all. Even if it was at Fordham Law."

"I swear, if you make one more wisecrack about Fordham..."

"You'll do what? Punish me?" Barba asked suggestively.

The deep timbre of his voice made the innuendo even more suggestive. It also made the color come back to Sonny's cheeks as he blushed ever so slightly. Barba was glad that he was able to take Sonny's mind off of his harrowing experience even for a short time.

"I'll think of something, don't you worry."

"I look forward to it, detective. In the meantime, the bathroom is down the hall, first door on your left. Let me know if you need anything. I'll be in the kitchen."

Sonny reached out to gently grasp Barba's hand. He stared into his eyes for a few seconds before replying, "I don't need anything else."

Barba squeezed his hand in return. He felt exactly the same way.

* * *

"Hungry yet?" Barba commented as Sonny entered into the kitchen after freshening up a bit. He was looking much better.

"Starved. Whatever you're cooking, it smells wonderful."

There was a fragrant aroma of garlic, onions, bell peppers, and tomatoes wafting through the air.

"Since it's late, I didn't want to make something too heavy, so I hope you're okay with Havana-Style eggs," he replied, placing the dish in front of Sonny who was seated on one of the stools at the center island counter.

"It looks scrumptious. Thanks for putting up with me, Rafael. I know that I dropped in on you at the last minute and you were probably sleeping."

"You are more important to me right now than sleep."

"But what about your breakfast meeting with the DA?"

"I'll make it. There are certain things that take more precedence. You know that you can always come to me for anything at any time, don't you?"

Sonny looked at Barba with adoring eyes. "It's nice to be reminded of the fact."

Barba returned the favor when he surveyed his boyfriend's reaction to his cooking after taking one bite. Sonny looked like he was in heaven.

"Remind me to have you cook for me more often, Rafael. This is sooo delicious!"

"You don't have to overdo it with the compliments."

"No, really. If I didn't know you cooked it yourself, I would have thought it came from a restaurant."

"You're such a sweet talker, Sonny. But I'm glad you like it, because it was my grandmother's recipe. Okay, what's with that expression?"

"I like it when you call me ' _Sonny_ '," the younger man replied softly. He looked so much younger when his hair was flowing free without gel or pomade.

"That's what you like to be called, isn't it?"

Sonny shook his head slightly. "I meant, I like how it sounds the way you say my name."

Barba leaned over the counter to brush his lips against Sonny's mouth, making the younger man's heart skip a beat. He was like a salve, calming Sonny's troubled soul.

"It's a good thing that you're easy to please," he replied huskily. "Does this count as part of my promise to cook you dinner?"

Sonny smiled as he kissed Barba's cheek softly in return. "Absolutely."

* * *

"I guess I should get going so you can get some rest. Thanks for everything."

Barba looked at Sonny in concern. He didn't want him to be alone and he was pretty sure Sonny didn't want to be alone either. "Why don't you stay for the night? It's late and you're already here."

"You've done so much already. I don't want to inconvenience you any further."

"Trust me, Sonny. If I you were an inconvenience, I would have told you that by now. Besides you've already done the dishes to show your appreciation. Really, it's okay."

Sonny's eyes lowered to the floor. "Then, can I sleep with you in your bed?"

Barba reached over to tilt Sonny's chin upward so that he could stare into those brilliant blue eyes. "Do you really have to ask?"

He then took Sonny's hand in his, as he led them to his bedroom. Once they were under the covers, Sonny immediately cuddled up against Barba, tucking his head into the curve of his broad shoulder. He was usually the clingy one in their relationship when it came to physical contact, but this time it was Barba that clung tightly to the younger man in his arms. Barba dimmed the lights and rested his chin on top of Sonny's head as their breathing slowed until they were breathing in unison. They were both so tired that sleep came almost immediately. But the calm was short-lived when Barba was awakened an hour later by the sound of Sonny's feverish moans that were getting louder by the minute. By the sound of it, he was re-living the day's earlier events in his sleep. Barba was reluctant to wake him up so abruptly, but he couldn't let Sonny continue with his pain.

"Sonny? Sonny, wake up. It's Rafael," he urged with a gentle nudge after turning on the lamp.

The younger man had rolled onto his back and was struggling to wake up. Sonny was probably in that dream state where a person couldn't discern between fantasy and reality. When his eyes finally opened, he was breathing rapidly as he was jolted awake. He turned sideways to see Barba looking on in concern.

"That must have been one hell of a nightmare."

Sonny settled back against the pillows and stared up at the ceiling, letting his breathing settle down. "The worst. I dreamt that Cole had his gun pointed at you the way he pointed it at me. I tried screaming and yelling, but nothing would come out of my mouth. I felt so helpless just watching."

"It was just a dream, Sonny. Things will get better with time. I don't know how long it will take, but they will."

Sonny turned his head to look at Barba again with his eyes furrowed together in concern. "Will it? Every time I close my eyes, I keep seeing him about to pull the trigger. When I heard the shot ring out, I felt blood splatter across my face. The last time something like that happened to me was when I was a kid back in Staten Island."

"Let me guess, you had an accident by falling off your bike."

"Far from it. I used to be a scrawny little runt when I was younger and because of that, I used to get picked on every day by the neighborhood bullies. The biggest of them, Bobby Bianchi, decided to teach me a lesson one day by shoving my face into a plate glass window. My face was cut up pretty bad and I was bleeding all over the place."

"Did the bastard even give you a reason why?" Barba felt his own blood boil with anger and indignation on Sonny's behalf. He hadn't forgotten his own run-ins with bullies, but in his case at least he had Alex and especially Eddy to look out for him. He couldn't imagine how it was for Sonny all by himself.

"I never got one. No reason and no apology. I felt helpless back then, just like I did today."

"I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better."

"There is. Make love to me, Rafael."

Barba looked back at him in shock and surprise. "Are you sure I'm not the one that's dreaming?"

Sonny reached up to wrap his arms around Barba's neck and kissed him with everything in his being. Barba knew that Sonny was reacting in response to his traumatic experience, but he was oh so tempted to do what Sonny was asking him to do, despite his reservations. Not that Barba didn't want to. He had wanted to make love to him ever since they started seeing each other. But this wasn't the way he wanted it to happen. Certainly not with the mental and emotional state that Sonny was currently in. It would be like taking advantange of him.

"Does that answer your question?" Sonny asked, breaking away for air.

"Unequivocally. I'm not dreaming after all," Barba replied in a daze.

"Then what are you waiting for?" Sonny asked as he leaned forward and began to seductively nuzzle Barba's ear, making the older man groan in pleasure.

"Sonny...Sonny stop it," Barba replied in distraction.

"Why? Don't you want me?" the younger man asked, ignoring Barba's request as his lips travelled along the strong jawline while his hands wandered to Barba's chest.

Barba used every ounce of self-control to gently pry himself away from Sonny's roaming hands and lips. "That's the problem. Sonny, whether you realize it or not, this isn't what you want."

"I think I know what I want. And I know that I want you."

Barba took Sonny's hand in his and kissed it gently before holding it against his chest. "I want you too...but not this way. Not like this."

Sonny's eyes reflected hurt and confusion. "I don't understand."

"If I made love to you now, I wouldn't know if it was because of what happened earlier today, or if it was because you truly wanted to sleep with me."

"Can't it be both? I just wanted to be with you so I could feel..."

"Safe? Secure?" Barba finished for him.

Sonny nodded affirmatively. "I thought I would never see you again, Rafael. I wanted you to know how much I care about you."

"You're not that good of a detective if you didn't realize that I knew that already. And I'm not going anywhere Sonny, nor do I have any plans to. When we do finally make love, I don't want it be under duress or because you felt compelled to. I want it to be something wonderful that we'll remember for the rest of our lives and smile with fondness."

"I didn't realize just how much of a romantic you are," Sonny replied softly. "And how is it that you always seem to know what I'm feeling?"

"Wasn't that hard to tell. Your eyes always give you away. And just for the record, you made it really really hard for me to say no to you a moment ago."

Sonny grinned as he kissed Barba deeply. "I hope you remember that the next time you're feeling horny."

"Go to sleep," Barba growled, pulling Sonny against him so that they could get some much needed rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Upload date: 03Dec2017
> 
> I've wanted to explore Sonny's post reaction to his near-death experience for the longest time. I'm just glad Barba was there for him. Barba really is a romantic at heart.


	10. Heart's Desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello again my friends,
> 
> I humbly apologize for the long wait, but work has taken up most of my precious time. Thankfully, I was finally able to squeeze in some time to write. I promise, you won't be disappointed. Enjoy!
> 
> WARNING: This chapter contains mature, but not explicit content. If you are offended by such material, do not continue reading.

"Hey, watch it Carisi! My insurance doesn't cover slipping on tinsel."

"Sorry, Finn," Sonny replied apologetically as he was maneuvering through the office with several boxes of Christmas ornaments piled high in his arms until he could reach his desk.

"How come we got stuck with decorating the office?" Rollins asked grumplily as she began to untangle several green and red garlands entwined together.

"Because it was our turn this year. And what do you mean ' _WE_ '?" Sonny retorted. "I'm the one that's been doing most of the decorating."

"That's because you're the tallest. What do you expect?" Rollins retorted.

"Objection. Immaterial and prejudicial."

"Objection overruled on both counts."

"It's a good thing I don't mind doing this."

"You're really into this holiday thing, aren't you?" Finn observed. "I'll bet your family put up their decorations after Thanksgiving."

"Actually, it was after Halloween. I've always loved the holiday season even when I was just a rugrat. We would go to my grandparents' place on Christmas Eve and have a great big feast, sing carols, and exchange gifts before going all together as a family to mass the next morning. Nonna Mary would make our favorite dishes and she would always give us kids money behind our parents' back in addition to the presents under the tree."

"That's one cool granny."

"You said it. In fact, she's the one that started calling me ' _Sonny_ ' because I always brightened her day. I guess it was because I was her only grandson. Plus, I suppose it was easier to distinguish between me and my old man."

"Aw, that's so sweet."

"I'm getting several cavities just hearing you talk about it," Fin replied sarcastically.

"You're so cynical," Rollins commented while throwing some tinsel at him, which he easily dodged.

"Sorry to break this up, but we just got another reported rape case," Liv reported solemnly. "It's at Hudson University again."

"I guess it was asking too much to ask for a week without an incident," Sonny replied with a sigh.

But that was SVU, holiday or not. At least Sonny had Rafael now. And for that, he had every reason to look forward to the coming weeks.

* * *

"So, what time are you picking me up on Friday night?"

Barba gave Sonny a quizzical look in response across the kitchen table where they were eating brunch on a lazy Saturday afternoon at Sonny's apartment.

"What time am I picking you up for what?"

"I can't believe you've forgotten all about the holiday party given by 1 PP," Sonny replied pretending to pout petulantly. "I've only been reminding you every other day for two weeks."

"I didn't forget, Sonny," Barba replied softly. "It's just...I wasn't planning on going."

Sonny's eyes widened in surprise. "Why not? Liv went out of her way to get you invited as a personal favor to me. And I was looking forward to spending the evening with you all dressed up and looking handsome as usual."

"Somehow I get the feeling that a majority of the cops at 1 PP won't be all that thrilled to see me there."

"Don't let a few malcontents speak for the rest of us. And besides, it's been almost two years since the Terrence Reynolds incident."

"That isn't the only reason I don't want to go."

"It would help if you gave me a little more to work with here."

Barba sighed as he got up from the table and turned away to put some distance between them. "Christmas isn't one of my favorite holidays, okay? I was hurt very badly in the past by someone I cared about and who I thought, cared about me. She told me that she had fallen in love with my best friend and broke up with me on Christmas Eve."

"Ouch," Sonny replied with much empathy.

"Ouch is right. Going to the holiday party would just remind me of that painful part of my past."

Sonny frowned in concern as he looked at Barba. Even though they could talk about anything to each other, it was the first time he had mentioned anything to Sonny about his love life.

"Maybe it's time you let go, so that you can move on. You're only doing yourself harm by holding on to the past."

"I suppose YOU never went through something like that before."

"I'll have you know that I've had my heart broken plenty of times. But then again, I was never in a relationship long enough to even consider popping the question. Well, that's not entirely true. I thought about it once, but that was in elementary school."

"I'm not talking about puppy love or an infatuation. I'm talking about a relationship."

Sonny paused momentarily before asking, "Were you in love with Yelina? Or were you just afraid of losing her to someone else?"

Barba turned around with a shocked look on his face. "How did you know that she was the one I was referring to? I never told you anything about her."

"Yeah, and whose fault was that? Liv told me about how you had to turn in damning evidence against your old childhood friend Alex Muñoz, that forced him out of the mayoral race a few years ago. Also, Carmen mentioned once that Yelina stopped by your office a few days before the election as well. It didn't take much for me to put two and two together to figure out that you were talking about her just now."

"You're a much better detective than I give you credit for, Sonny."

"Can I get that in writing?" Sonny quipped to ease the general atmosphere. "Just so you know, I wasn't prying, Rafael. It just came up during a conversation. Honest."

"The thought never crossed my mind. And to answer your question, I don't really know. I mean, I thought I loved her. Maybe it was wishful thinking on my part, rather than facing the truth."

"There's nothing wrong with wishful thinking."

"There is when it becomes delusional thinking. Deep down, I suspected that Yelina wanted to be with Alex. But my pride took a huge hit and I didn't want to admit it. You know me. I always hate to lose. And losing to my best friend would be a bitter pill to swallow."

"Sounds like you two were pretty serious, despite her feelings for him."

"I was going to propose the night that she broke up with me," Barba replied wistfully.

Sonny's eyes registered surprise as he felt his heart clench tightly against his chest. He certainly hadn't expected to hear that admission from Barba. "That's a terrible thing for anyone to have to go through. Still, she must have felt something for you."

"That's really a moot point now. She made her decision. I mean, it's not like I could force her to return my feelings."

"I'm sorry, Rafael. I can't imagine how painful that must have been for you."

"There's nothing to be sorry for. It's all ancient history. But thanks anyway. I just wished that she had picked another day than Christmas Eve to dump me."

Sonny got up and went over to Barba to give him a hug, because that was just the kind of person he was. "If it makes you feel any better, she doesn't know what she missed out on. But on the other hand, I'm glad it happened, because I benefited from her loss by being here with you. And I'm not going to apologize for that. After all, all's fair in love and war."

Barba smirked knowingly as he looked up into Sonny's eyes. He loved whenever Sonny became overprotective for his sake. But even better than that, he loved being the apple of Sonny's eye.

"You know, there's a little bit of Machiavelli in you."

"I'm Italian. Face it, it's in my blood. Rafael, it's all right if you don't want to come with me to the party. I won't be disappointed."

"Yes, you will," Barba immediately corrected him.

"Okay, I will. But I'll understand. As long as I have you, I don't need anything else. We'll have our own private holiday celebration."

Barba reached up to frame Sonny's face within the palm of his hands before kissing him softly. "You've got a deal."

* * *

"Hey Sonny, you came by yourself tonight, as well?" Rollins asked as she sauntered up to Sonny who was sitting at the bar, watching the crowd of NYPD cops and their guests milling around in the grand ballroom at the Ritz-Carlton hotel. Even with all of the cheerful festivities, it just wasn't the same without Barba there.

"Unfortunately. My friend couldn't make it at the last minute."

"Aw, you don't have to be ashamed that you struck out. I couldn't find a date either."

"For the last time, I am NOT making it up," Sonny replied in exasperation.

"If you say so," Rollins replied, not trying very hard to hide her amusement. She loved teasing Sonny like an annoying brother. First of all, because it was so easy, and more so because she could always count on getting a reaction out of him. "Want to go get something from the buffet?"

"Not really. I'm not very hungry at the moment."

"How about a dance?"

"Maybe a little later."

"How about you sit around looking depressed?" Rollins replied sarcastically.

"Very funny."

"Well, you can mope if you want to. I'm gonna go mingle. See you later."

Sonny was a little more irritated than he would normally be under the circumstances. He was admittedly disappointed that Barba had decided not to come to the holiday party, and it didn't help hearing about his boyfriend's past love life. Deep down, he was hoping that Barba would change his mind about joining him. It would have made him feel better for more reasons than just the obvious. But he didn't want Barba to feel even more guilt than he already did. Plus, he didn't want to seem too clingy. Sonny tried to make the best of a less than ideal situation, but no amount of eggnog and  _Jingle Bell Rock_  was going to change his dour mood as he resigned himself to the fact that he was on his own for the evening. It was going to be a long, lonely night.

"Hey, look who came down from the mountain top to join the little people?" someone joked, which caused Sonny's ears to perk up immediately.

Sonny turned around and his blue eyes widened in surprise as Barba entered the room looking very stylish and debonair in his black tuxedo. His heart beat an uneven tempo as he couldn't tear his eyes away from his gorgeous boyfriend. Sonny could have sworn that he wasn't the only one who was staring in appreciation as he could hear the distant chatter of people asking about who the attractive man was that just came in to the room. It was quite empowering to know that Barba belonged to him, and him alone. Liv was the first to approach Barba and was undoubtedly giving him a hard time by the way he was rolling his eyes in exasperation, but had a faint smile on his lips. Sonny had to patiently wait until Barba was free of all his admirers before he could approach him.

"You look terrific, counselor," Sonny replied in a low voice, so only Barba could hear him.

"You're not looking so bad yourself, detective Carisi."

Sonny blushed under Barba's sultry gaze and smiled bashfully. "I'm glad you decided to come. What changed your mind?"

"I couldn't let you down when you were looking forward to this party for weeks. And besides, I finally decided to take your advice and not allow the past to keep me from doing what I want to do."

"And what exactly would that be?"

"If I told you, you would have to cite me for sexual harassment, because I want to do YOU, detective."

"Rafael!" Sonny admonished with a look of mortification as he looked around him to make sure that no one else heard what Barba had said.

"I love it when you get easily embarrassed. So, what does a person have to do to get some food around here?"

* * *

"Rafi? Rafi, is that you?" a young woman's voice came from behind Barba.

"Sofia? I don't believe it. It really IS you," Barba replied in recognition as the younger woman practically jumped into his outstretched arms. She was a raven-haired beauty with big brown eyes and a body to die for. And she was hugging Barba with more familiarity than Sonny was admittedly comfortable with. They both proceeded to converse back and forth in rapidfire Spanish until Sonny couldn't stand it any longer. First it was Yelina, and now this mystery woman.

"Don't let me interrupt you," Sonny replied sarcastically.

"Sorry. This is Sofia Garcia, the youngest sister of one of my oldest and dearest friends from my old neighborhood. Sofia, this is Detective Dominick Carisi, Jr. He works with the Special Victims Unit."

"Call me Sonny," he automatically replied, shaking the younger woman's hand.

"Nice to meet you, Sonny. I'm sorry for interrupting, but I haven't seen Rafi in years. Imagine my surprise to find him here of all places."

"How's Eddie doing? I haven't seen him in a while."

"He's doing as well as can be expected, but he's hanging in there. Did you know that he got his high school diploma?"

"¿ _Es eso cierto_? That's terrific! I always knew your big brother could do it."

"That's because you believed in him and always tried to help him in school. He told me that you're an ADA in Manhattan now. Not bad for a kid from the Bronx."

"Well, I was just trying to return the favor. He was always looking out for me when we were kids. You tell him the next time you see him that if he needs anything to give me a call."

"I will. It was great to see you again."

The strains of a lively Latin salsa began to play over the loud speakers. "Oh Rafi, this song reminds me of the parties we used to go to with the whole gang. Dance with me. It'll be a blast!"

"Not in front of everyone. I have to work with these people."

"What's the matter? Are you ashamed of your roots or something?"

"Of course not," Barba retorted self-consciously. It was still something of a sensitive issue for him whenever he was questioned about his heritage.

"Well then prove it. Come on, Rafi. Please? For old time's sake?"

Barba's eyes briefly met with Sonny's eyes, over Sofia's head to make sure he was okay with it. Sonny shrugged his shoulders noncommittally to show that he was indifferent, but inside he was seething with unspoken jealousy. It was bad enough that Sonny had to endure the appreciative glances and stares at Barba all night long, but he couldn't even have some alone time with his own boyfriend. The music was perfect for Barba to show off his moves as he expertly glided his partner back and forth while shaking and shimmying to the catchy beat of the music. Whenever the younger woman pressed up against Barba, it made Sonny even more jealous. The other people on the dance floor eventually dispersed to allow Barba and Sofia more room as they were clearly the best dancers there. Once in a while, Barba would throw his head back and give a come-hither-look for added effect. Sonny felt awkward all over again as he did in his youth as the tall, lanky kid with two left feet who got left out at dances.

"They look stunning, don't they?" Liv asked as she suddenly sidled up to Sonny in the back of the crowd that had gathered to watch.

"I guess," Sonny mumbled in reply as he was mostly paying attention to the fact that his boyfriend was in the arms of an attractive woman. "If you like that sort of thing."

"Careful Carisi. Your heart is showing."

"Are you implying that I am jealous?"

"That's exactly what I'm implying."

"Well, you're right. I AM jealous. You'd feel the same way too, if it was happening to you."

"You have nothing to worry about. Don't let that dance fool you. Rafael is crazy about you."

"Did he tell you that?" Sonny asked anxiously.

"He didn't have to. I can tell by the way Rafael looks at you, especially when you're not looking in his direction. And he wouldn't have admitted to me that he wanted to be with you unless he meant it. It isn't just a one way street you know."

"I have no idea what you're talking about. He's never even hinted at being the slightest bit jealous."

"Rafael will never admit it, but he often gets annoyed whenever you go on an undercover assignment and play the part of a shameless philanderer."

"I thought it was mainly because it was dangerous and he was concerned for my safety. I never realized that it was anything more than that."

It did make sense, in light of Barba's recent admission about losing his girlfriend to his best friend. Much as Sonny was ashamed to admit it, it gave him some comfort to know that Barba felt just as anxious as he did sometimes.

"I'll bet you never expected to fall for him so hard, did you?"

Sonny lowered his gaze pensively before answering, "Not this hard. Granted, he was a jackass to me in the beginning, but he's mellowed out with time. Either that, or I wore him down. I mean, I've always admired him professionally, but then we got to know each other better and then, it just kind of happened organically. I mean don't get me wrong, we have our share of disagreements and things aren't always hunky dory between us, but I can always count on him to be there for me and I can talk to him about anything. I never had that kind of relationship before. I was always trying to put other people's needs before my own. But Rafael always saw through me and allowed me to be myself. He's everything I've always wanted in a relationship."

"And you're everything he needs."

"I never thought Rafael needed anyone, least of all someone like me."

"And just what is wrong with someone like you?" Liv demanded.

"I could list my deficiencies, but we've only got so much time," Sonny responded in a self-deprecating tone.

He had definitely become more confident in his abilities as a detective and member of Manhattan SVU, but whenever Sonny compared himself to Barba on a personal level, he considered himself in a different league. Barba was sophisticated, cultured, smart, successful, and oh-so-talented. And not to mention, oh-so-sexy as well. But seeing him dance with an attractive woman only pointed out Sonny's own shortcomings, making him feel less than his usual confident self and a lot more insecure.

"Now you're just exaggerating."

"It's not exaggerating when it's the truth."

"Carisi, I hate it whenever you doubt yourself like this. Rafael wants to be with you because he wants to be with you. And furthermore, you make him happy. It's as simple as that."

"Do you really think so, Liv?"

Liv put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "I know so. Maybe you should let him show you, himself."

Sonny stared pensively after Liv, as she went to join Fin and Rollins on the other side of the room. He then turned his attention back to his boyfriend who twisted and twirled in time with the lively music. His green eyes sparkled with unbridled joy as he let down his guard momentarily to indulge in his love for music and being the ultimate showman that he was. Barba looked so handsome and dashing when he was dressed up in a tuxedo that it made Sonny's heart beat an uneven tempo. Sonny had to admit that Sofia complimented him move for move, dancewise. They looked so well matched, liked they belonged together. But the longer they danced, the more jealous Sonny became. He couldn't help it. His heart began to pound like a jackhammer against his chest as it became more and more difficult to breathe. Sonny wanted Barba's strong arms to hold him and he wanted Barba to look at him with those seductive green eyes of his. He wanted to be touched and caressed by him. He wanted to feel his skin against his. And he wanted to belong to Barba in every way.

" _Oh dear God, what's happening to me_?" Sonny thought to himself. He could feel his skin flush hotly as every nerve receptor in his body reacted immediately to his heightened emotions.

When Barba finished the dance with a flourish by dipping his dance partner, everyone clapped and cheered in appreciation. Sonny clapped perfunctorily, but inside he was a mess. He wanted Barba so much that it hurt and he didn't care who saw.

At that moment, Barba looked up and met Sonny's eyes across the room as their gazes locked for several long seconds. To Sonny's surprise, Barba made a beeline directly towards him politely nodding at all the compliments he was receiving along the way, but keeping his focus on his target. He only had eyes for Sonny.

"Can I speak with you, detective? In private?" Barba asked in his usual business-like tone.

"Sure thing, counselor," Sonny answered automatically.

He followed Barba into one of the adjoining rooms nearby, making sure it was empty before entering. The minute the door closed behind him, Barba swept Sonny into his arms and bent him backwards before kissing him deeply. Sonny was so off balance that he would have fallen down if Barba hadn't been holding him up.

"What was that for?" Sonny asked breathlessly when they broke for air.

"For looking at me like you wanted me to do that," Barba replied in a husky voice. "Was I mistaken?"

Sonny reached up and cradled Barba's face in his hands, bringing the other man down to his waiting lips in response.

"I want you, Rafael. I want you right now," Sonny answered bluntly, after pulling back.

 Barba smirked knowingly. "As much as I'd love to take you right here, I think we should go somewhere a little more private, don't you think?"

"And quickly. I don't think I can last much longer."

"Well it's a good thing my place is nearby."

Barba brought him back to a standing position and cradled Sonny's cheek in his palm. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

Sonny rubbed his cheek against Barba's warm hand. "I've never been more sure of anything in my life."

"Then let's not waste any more time."

"Whatever you say, counselor."

* * *

Barba fumbled with the keys to his apartment as he kept kissing Sonny while attempting to open the door. They couldn't get enough of each other as their passions had been ignited by their mutual desire. It had been bubbling underneath the surface for some time now, but that intense dance brought out Sonny's jealous side and made him realize how much he wanted to be with Barba. When they reached the bedroom, they were already half undressed.

This wasn't the slow and careful teasing that Barba usually used with Sonny. This was pure desire and uncontrollable lust as impatient hands clutched and clawed at clothing that was merely in the way of his ultimate goal. Sonny was just as impatient as couldn't wait to touch Barba's tanned skin and press himself against the entire length of his body.

Barba laughed as Sonny almost tore the buttons off of Barba's dress shirt when he pulled the offending material away from his broad shoulders.

"Take it easy, Sonny. We have all night."

"I can't help it. I want you so much, Rafael."

"Yeah, I can tell," the older man replied as he leaned forward to kiss Sonny's naked chest.

Sonny immediately threw his head backwards and let out a moan of pleasure. He never realized how sensitve he was when it came to Barba's touch. It was like his body had a mind of its own, wanting more; needing more. Barba quickly and methodically removed Sonny's clothing, pausing once in a while to caress an exposed area of soft pale skin with his lips and fingers, before removing the rest of his own clothes until they were both gloriously free of any barriers. Sonny's long fingers raked through Barba's hair, holding him closely to his body, encouraging Barba to continue his seductive ministrations.

And then all of a sudden, Barba stopped. It was as though someone had thrown a bucket of ice over Sonny.

"What's the matter?" Sonny asked in confusion as he got up to a half-sitting position, resting backwards on his elbows.

"I know you're not used to this. I just don't want you to have any lingering doubts."

"I wouldn't be lying here in your bed, stark naked, if I had any doubts," Sonny replied as a matter of fact.

"And you look very desirable, if I do say so myself. But I don't want to hurt you, Sonny. And if you want me to stop, all you have to do say so."

Sonny wrapped his arms around Barba and kissed him passionately in response, slowly pulling the older man down with him onto the wide mattress.

"Does THAT answer your question?" the younger man asked huskily. "Now what do I have to do to get you to make love to me?"

Barba smirked confidently as he hovered over Sonny. "You're really one of a kind, Dominick Carisi, Jr. I promise to make it sweet for you."

And with that last word, Barba made good on his promise. Sonny was more than satisfied with the results several hours later as he fell asleep exhausted, but happily sated within the arms of his lover. His lover. That sounded so nice.

* * *

"Sonny? Are you awake?" Barba asked softly as he kissed Sonny's bare shoulder early the next morning.

Sonny had his back turned to him, while Barba was spooned up from behind, holding his body closely like a security blanket.

"Hmm?" Sonny groaned drowsily as his long eyelashes reluctantly fluttered open, adjusting to the light filtering into the bedroom. It took him a few seconds to register that it was indeed morning and he had actually spent the night with Barba. Sonny turned around and smiled gently.

"I didn't hurt you after all, did I?" Barba asked uncertainly.

He was so adorable whenever he was concerned about Sonny. Beneath that tough and gruff ADA persona was a heart of gold. It was just one of the many things that Sonny loved about him.

Sonny pressed a soft kiss against Barba's cheek, which had faint growth of morning stubble. "I wouldn't know how to feel any better. Last night was unbelievable, Rafael. I never knew it could be like that."

Barba looked visibly relieved. "Me neither. You were pretty impressive yourself."

"I told you that I learn fast."

Barba rubbed his nose against Sonny's nose, giving him an Eskimo kiss. "You certainly do. How about some breakfast?"

"Are you asking me or telling me?" Sonny retorted.

"Actually, I had something else in mind," Barba replied huskily as he bent low to claim Sonny's lips. His hand slid along Sonny's ribcage and narrow waist before going even further south, eliciting an uncontrollable shudder of pleasure from the younger man.

" _Damn him and his seductive ways_ ," Sonny thought to himself.

"Rafael, have a heart. Wasn't four times last night enough?" Sonny replied in distraction as Barba's hands began exploring his body and making his heart beat rapidly in anticipation. Sonny didn't have the energy or willpower to deny the older man what he wanted. Besides, Sonny wanted it just as much.

"But it's the start of a new day," Barba murmured against Sonny throat. "And I need my exercise."

Sonny wrapped his arms around his lover's back holding him closely. "You are so incorrigible."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Upload date: 15Dec2017
> 
> I hope I did this chapter justice. I took a lot of thought and care in presenting this moment, which is why it took so long.  
> Oh yes, I will be taking a brief sabbatical from writing to enjoy some much needed and deserved time off to enjoy the holidays.
> 
> Best wishes to my faithful readers. Until we meet again in January 2018.


	11. Winds of Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greetings friends! I hope you had a tremendous holiday and thank you for your patience. Hope you enjoy the next installment. Cheers!
> 
> Preview: Sonny and Barba have become even closer now, but can their relationship withstand unforeseen obstacles in their path?
> 
> Timeline: around episode 18x15, "Know It All"
> 
>  

“I know what you did, Rafael. And it wasn't funny,” Sonny declared in annoyance.

The tall and lanky detective had his hands on his hips with a less than thrilled look on his face as he stood at the doorway to Barba's office.

“What? What did I do?” Barba replied innocently from where he was sitting behind his desk.

Sonny plopped down onto the leather sofa next to the door of Barba's office, placing several case files on the coffee table in front of him. It had become a ritual for him to swing by whenever things were slow at SVU and help out, not that Barba needed it. It did serve two purposes. First, it was a good way for Sonny to keep his lawyer skills fresh and second, it was a convenient excuse to spend time together. After finally consummating their relationship, they had become closer in more ways than just the obvious physical aspect. And because of their closeness, it had spilled over into their working relationship as well. Barba could always count on Sonny to discover a crucial piece of information to help him cement his case. Without Sonny's natural instincts, hard work, and determination, Barba could have lost more cases than he cared to think about. But he wasn't going to tell Sonny that or else he would never let him live it down.

“Don't give me that innocent look. You sabotaged my computer. It couldn't have been anyone, but you.”

“That's a pretty bold claim. And it's not exactly fair to accuse me without proof.”

“I don't need any proof. You had means, motive, and opportunity. Thanks to you and your ' _creative web browsing_ ', Finn and Rollins now think that I'm dating someone who wears a size 34B bra. And when did you get a hold of my laptop, anyway?”

“Wouldn't YOU like to know?” Rafael smirked in satisfaction.

“Actually, I wouldn't. That way, if I ever get questioned, I can answer truthfully that I didn't know.”

“I wish I could have seen the look on your face. I'll bet you turned red.”

“I hope you realize that you just violated several laws with your practical joke.”

“So, arrest me. And good luck with getting the conviction to stick without evidence.”

“Don't push it, buster. After the prank you just pulled, I have a good mind to withhold sex from you.”

“You wouldn't dare.”

“I would. But I'm willing to overlook it this time if I get an apology.”

“All right. You've got it.”

Sonny paused waiting for more. He wasn't going to get it. “As far as apologies go, that one was severely lacking,” Sonny replied sarcastically.

“I apologized. I just didn't grovel.”

“You call that an apology?” Sonny gave a sigh of defeat. “I suppose that's about as good as I'm going to get from you, isn't it?”

“You know me so well. Does that mean all is forgiven?”

“Yeah,” Sonny replied softly. “But if you ever try a stunt like that again, you can forget about getting anything from me for a long time. _Capisce_?”

Barba laughed softly. “ _Capisce_.”

* * *

“Rafael?”

“Yes? What is it?” Barba replied, without looking up at Sonny from his paperwork.

“I have a favor to ask.”

“It would help if you tell me what it is, so I can give an answer to your request.”

“Would you mind terribly if we had a change of plans on Friday night?”

Barba looked up from his desk at his boyfriend who was now sitting across from him at his desk, looking over various court notes and jotting down details to assist him.

“What's wrong with going to your place and hanging out? Besides, you promised to make your mom's famous veal scallopini. I've been looking forward to it all week.”

“You know that I love having you over and cooking for you. But it would be nice to change up our routine once in a while. After all, we're in New York and there's so much to do.”

“Well, we could always go and hang out at my place,” Barba quipped.

“Not funny, counselor.”

“What's really behind this sudden desire to expand your range of nocturnal activities, Sonny? I always thought you preferred a quiet evening at home.”

“Why do you think I have an ulterior motive?” the younger man retorted defensively.

“Because I can always read you like a book. On top of that, you have this particular habit of twitching your nose like a rabbit whenever you're hiding something from me.”

“I DO NOT.”

“You're doing it right now.”

Sonny immediately put his fingers at the tip of his nose, self-consciously. “I had an itch. And I resent you implying that I have something to hide.”

“There, you see? You did it again.”

“Ugh. Serves me right for having an ADA as a boyfriend. All right, you win. The truth is, my folks invited you to have dinner with them in Staten Island on Friday night.”

“I appreciate the thought, but why now?”

“Because they mentioned in passing that it's been a while since your last visit and they wanted to see you again.”

“I bet you already told them that I would accept their invitation.”

“For your information smartass, I said that I would check with you first since you're so busy.”

“How thoughtful. What's really going on, Sonny? What's this all about?” Barba asked suspiciously.

“Nothing is going on. But it would be nice for you to get to know them better. After all, you've only been to the Staten Island that one time.”

“Once was enough. Your parents were enjoyable, but if your sisters are going to be there as well, then I'll pass. I don't want them to hang all over me all night long. I barely got out in one piece the last time.”

“I promise to intervene when necessary. After all, I can be very jealous when it comes to you. And it's not like I ask a favor from you all the time, Rafael. You owe me one for that prank you pulled.”

Barba felt a twinge of guilt creep into his conscience.

“I guess it wouldn't kill me to give up an evening. But let's not let this get to be a habit. I don't want it impinging on our alone time.”

“Thank you. Oh one more thing. Remember not to be too obvious when we're over there.”

Barba raised an eyebrow quizzically. “Sonny, you DID tell them about us, didn't you?”

“Ma told us to come around 6 o'clock. It'll be informal, so don't feel the need to dress up.”

“Sonny...”

“Do you think we should bring something?”

“Sonny...” Barba reiterated again with a little more emphasis.

“Dessert would be a nice way to break the ice. Maybe something with chocolate. That always puts them in a good mood.”

“Are you trying to tell me that you haven't told your family about us yet?”

Sonny averted his boyfriend's accusing gaze. “I'm trying NOT to tell you that.”

“I don't believe it. You were actually going to let me walk into that lion's den and let your family discover the truth without any warning? I might as well be wearing a bull's eye target on my back.”

“I meant to tell them earlier, but there was never a good time,” Sonny replied looking a little sheepish.

“And when had you planned on breaking the news?”

“Like in maybe 20 years.”

“Thanks a lot,” Barba replied sarcastically.

“Well, did YOU tell your family about us?”

“For your information, I told my mother about you some time ago.”

“You did?” Sonny asked in surprise.

“As a matter of fact, she keeps asking me when I'm going to bring you over to meet her. I told her that I didn't want to rush you before you were ready.”

Sonny's gaze softened. He immediately got up, went around the wide desk, and linked his arms around Barba's neck from behind, pressing his cheek against his in complete adoration.

“I'm sorry about not telling my family about us. And it wasn't fair to you. If you really don't want to go to this family dinner, I'll make up some excuse.”

“What I don't understand is why all the fuss? And why now? It's never been an issue before.”

“We weren't dating before. It's just...” Sonny stopped in hesitation briefly. “It's just that I haven't seen my family very much since you and I started seeing each other. The fact is that I miss them. But you're an important part of my life as well, Rafael. I just want my family to get to know you better and appreciate you as much as I do.”

Barba reached up to caress Sonny's hands as he held them against his chest. “You big goofball. I never wanted you to feel like you had to give them up for me. I know how important family means to you. And it's obvious that having this get together is important.”

“Does that mean you'll still go?”

“I'll go. But I have a feeling it'll be uncomfortable for everyone involved. How do you think your family will react to the news?”

“My older sisters will most likely kill me for taking you away from them and my mother might understand. The wildcard is my old man. It could go either way.”

“Are you sure you want to do this, Sonny? It might get ugly. I mean, I was raised in a Catholic family as well.”

“I know, but there's nothing they can say that will discourage me from being with you. I'm prepared for the consequences.”

“Even if it means that your family wants nothing to do with you?” Barba asked softly.

“I'll deal with it when the time comes. But I have every confidence that you'll be able to use your persuasive charms to the fullest. Hey, you won them over before, right?”

“Let's hope I can do it again. I suppose I could put up with your man-crazy sisters for one night. But I expect you to make it up to me.”

Sonny began to caress Barba's ear with his lips before pressing soft kisses along Barba's neck and behind his ear. “How about we continue this discussion back at my place after we're done here?”

“It won't be much of a discussion, knowing you. And how do you expect me to concentrate on work with you doing that?” Barba complained lightly, but at the same time enjoying the displays of affection.

“I don't,” Sonny replied mischievously. Ever since they consummated their relationship, Sonny had become quite flirtatious whenever they were alone together. And Barba was just fine with that.

As Sonny turned to go back to work, Barba reached out to grab him by the waist and pull him onto his lap. Sonny gasped in familiar pleasure when he felt Barba's hand move slowly and deliberately along his thigh.

“Rafael, behave yourself. There'll be plenty of time for that later.”

“You started it,” Barba replied unrepentantly before claiming Sonny's rose-tinged lips.

Sonny sighed in defeat as he closed his eyes and linked his arms around Barba's neck, eagerly returning his kiss. He was like putty in his hands.

* * *

“How does this tie look with this shirt?” Barba asked with a slight hint of apprehension in his voice.

He and Sonny were just about to leave for Staten Island before the big dinner with the Carisi's. Barba had never felt so anxious before. He genuinely wanted to get along with them, not only for Sonny's sake, but also for his own sake. Even though he didn't mention any future plans, he had no desire to be with anyone else, except Sonny. For the second time in his life, Barba was actually considering a long-term commitment with someone. And part of that, meant interacting with Sonny's family and hopefully getting in their good graces.

Sonny came over to straighten one of the hundreds of beautiful silk ties that Barba owned even though it was perfectly in place. “It looked fine the previous three times you asked me that. And your tie goes perfectly with this outfit. It's always been one of my favorites on you.”

“You never told me that.”

“That's because I didn't want you to get a swelled head. Besides, you know you look good in whatever you wear. You don't need me to tell you that. And what's with the suit and tie anyway? I told you that it was an informal get together.”

“I just want everything to go perfect tonight. _Dios mio_ , I haven't been this jittery since I swore off coffee for a day.”

“Don't tell me you're actually nervous,” Sonny remarked incredulously.

“Can you blame me? I feel like I'm going in to face a firing squad.”

“Aw, that's so cute that you want to make a good impression. In fact, it's downright adorable.”

“There is NOTHING cute about it. And I hate it whenever you say I'm adorable.”

Sonny reached over to brush his lips against Barba's forehead. “Maybe you should stop being so cute and adorable then. Don't worry about tonight. Whatever happens is going to happen. Just be yourself. If it's good enough for me, then it should be good enough for my family.”

“Wish I had your confidence.”

* * *

“Junior! It's so good to see you,” Rose Carisi exclaimed as she gave her son a warm hug.

“It's good to see you too, Ma.”

“And I'm glad to see that you've brought Rafael along as well. We're so happy you could join us tonight. We've missed you around here.”

“Thank you for the invitation, Mrs. Carisi. I hope you didn't go to too much trouble.”

“It's Rose, remember? And nothing is too much trouble for the person who captured my Dominick's heart. Come in out of the cold and say hello to the rest of the family. They're in the living room waiting for you two.”

Barba and Sonny's eyes widened in shock as they looked at each other in confusion. Had they both heard right?

“Ma, I think you've got it wrong. Rafael and I are just friends.”

“No need to be bashful, sweetie. After all, I am your mother. And before your mouth drops, Bella told us all about it. I can't say that I blame you for wanting to be with him, Junior. Rafael is one, sexy Cuban.”

Barba felt his cheeks flush hotly in embarrassment. “Um, I think I'll go to the living room and pay my respects.”

Sonny waited until Barba was out of earshot before he pulled his mother aside.

“I don't know what Bella told you, but it's not what you think, Ma.”

“Junior, can you look me in the eye and tell me that there is nothing going on between you and Rafael? And remember, I can always tell when you're lying, Mr. Peter Rabbit.”

Sonny put a hand to his nose automatically and found that it was indeed twitching like Barba said earlier. It was no use to resist. Apparently, his relationship with Barba was already a known fact to the Carisi clan.

“I thought so. What I want to know is why you didn't tell us sooner?”

“I didn't know how you and Pop would react,” Sonny replied softly. “I certainly didn't expect this type of reception.”

“Hey, we're family. Family always comes first in this house. And the most important thing that matters to me and your father, is the happiness of our children. You've been through so much already, but you've managed to turn that pain and disappointment into something good and positive in your life. To be honest, your father and I thought that you would never turn things around. You were a regular hellion wreaking havoc and getting into trouble all the time back in a day.”

“I can't blame you both for thinking that. I was pretty messed up at the time and made things tough for everyone. If it wasn't for Father Delvecchio, I don't know where I'd be.”

“And here you are now as a detective in Manhattan SVU and having passed the bar while going to night school. We couldn't be any prouder of you or wish for anything more, except for you to be happy. And if Rafael makes you happy, then so are we.”

“When you mean we, does that include Gina and Theresa? I have a sneaking suspicion that they didn't take the news well.”

“Oh they were fuming when they heard that you and stolen Rafael right from under their noses. But I talked some sense into them and they understood the situation.”

“Somehow I doubt that.”

“Hey, don't sell your sisters short. Don't forget that they came to all of your graduation ceremonies and they were the ones that clapped the loudest.”

“Yeah, I do remember that,” Sonny replied softly.

“They're just as proud of you as your father and I are of all of your accomplishments.”

Sonny was touched beyond words. “Hey, Ma?”

“Yes, dear?”

“Are you and Pop really okay with this? I mean, about Rafael and me?”

“Listen to me and listen to me good. We're more than okay with it. Rafael has always looked out for your best interests, even when you thought that he didn't care about you. Even your father couldn't deny that Rafael was a good man. I knew, from the moment I met him that there was an unspoken connection between you two. Whenever you talked about Rafael, I could hear the respect and admiration in your voice and I would see the way your eyes would light up. Even though you didn't know it at the time, you were already falling for him. I'm glad to see that the feeling was mutual.”

Sonny smiled gently, confident in the knowledge that Rafael cared for him in every way. “Yeah, it is.”

Rose cradled Sonny's face within her hands before reaching up to kiss his cheek. “It's nice to know that my baby is in good hands.”

“Aw, Ma,” Sonny replied in embarrassment, but Rose Carisi knew better. She knew without a doubt that her only son loved being fussed over by his mama.

“Come on. I'll bet that boyfriend of yours could use a breather from the family.”

Sonny could barely contain his laughter at the hunted look on Barba's face when he entered the living room. Barba was holding Sonny's toddler niece in his arms somewhat reluctantly, while being surrounded by the Carisi daughters and Dominick Sr. all talking to him at the same time and from all directions. It was worse than being cross-examined on the stand.

Bella's husband, Tommy came up to Sonny and put a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. “I don't think ADA Barba realized what he was getting in to. Do you think we should step in?”

“Nah. Let him sweat a little while longer,” Sonny replied with an amused grin.

“You've got a good man there, Sonny. Bella and I will never forget how the two of you helped us out during the trial a few years ago. And things have been real good for us ever since.”

“You guys did all the hard work, Tommy. I'm just glad you and my sister and little Bianca are happy.”

“So are you, by the look of things. I mean if Barba came here willingly, he must really be in to you.”

“I guess I'm pretty lucky all right. By the way, what exactly did Bella tell the family?”

“Only that you had fallen for someone and had it real bad. She didn't know who it was for sure, but had a hunch it was Barba. Well, added to the fact that you were always talking about the guy.”

“I did no such thing.”

“That's not the way I hear it. Anyway, your mother immediately guessed that it was him and helped to smooth things over with the rest of the family.”

“How did she do that?”

“She threatened not to cook for them anymore if they didn't come around and see the light.”

“Wow. Ma really brought out the big guns this time. She was always looking out for me, bless her heart.”

“Uh-oh, they're threatening to bring out the family album. You better rescue him before it's too late.”

From the look on Barba's face, Sonny was inclined to agree with his brother-in-law and went over to intervene. But it didn't mean that he had to hurry.

* * *

“Thanks for nothing,” Barba remarked in an annoyed voice after tossing his scarf, gloves, and overcoat onto the couch after they returned to his apartment. He shrugged off his suit jacket and practically ripped his tie off. “Didn't you see me signaling you to rescue me?”

“I saw,” Sonny replied sweetly. “And I did come over...eventually.”

“A glacier could have moved faster than you did. You enjoyed watching me squirm, didn't you?”

“You bet your sweet ass, I did. It's just that you're always so cool and unflappable in court, Rafael. It was refreshing to see you flustered.”

“You'd think I was already part of the family from the warm welcome they gave me. Are they always like that?”

“You mean loud, bossy, and in-your-face? Unfortunately, yes. Once you're in the Carisi clan, there's no turning back.”

“I don't know if I should feel relieved or worried. All of your sisters cornered me at one point and threatened to cause me bodily harm if I ever hurt their only brother.”

Sonny laughed at Barba's expense. “You made that up.”

“Wish I did. Those sisters of yours can be scary when they form a united front like that.”

“Are you sure that you still want to be with me after tonight?” Sonny asked with slight hesitation in his voice. “I mean, I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to end this.”

Barba closed the gap between them and brushed his lips against Sonny's mouth. “And why would I want to do that? Even if I didn't get your family's blessing, that wouldn't stop me from being with you. And to be honest, they're not that bad. They may be a little forward and outspoken, but it's obvious that you care about each other very much.”

“Yeah, they're pretty special all right. You're pretty special yourself, counselor,” Sonny replied, bending down to kiss Rafael deeply and longingly. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For putting up with my family. For being there whenever I need you.”

“Is that all?” the older man replied jokingly.

Sonny slipped his arms around Barba's waist. “And for being the best thing that ever happened to me. No one has ever made me feel as special as you do, Rafael Barba. You make me complete.”

Barba had an expression of awe and surprise on his face similar to the one previously, when Sonny had attributed passing the bar, due to Barba's influence and his efforts.

“Sonny,” Barba replied softly. He knew that Sonny cared about him, but he never realized just how much until now. It was a sobering thought and a humbling one.

“I want to make love to you, Rafael.”

Sonny's voice was heavy with desire as he pulled Barba against his hips so that he could feel how much he wanted him.

“Do you, indeed, detective Carisi?” Barba smirked confidently as he pulled away just enough so that he could undo the buttons of his expensive silk shirt. Sonny's eyes followed Barba's every move and stared in awe. “So you think you can handle me?”

“I guess there's only one way to find out,” Sonny murmured huskily before lowering Barba back against the plush sofa, while reaching down to unzip his lover's trousers.

“I swear, if you ruin my upholstery, you're paying for the cleaning.”

“It'll be worth it,” Sonny murmured as he pressed teasing featherlight kisses upwards along Barba's abdomen and chest as he pushed Barba's undershirt upwards and removed the offending material, leaving his lover gloriously naked from the waist up. Sonny wasted no time in removing the rest of their clothing so he could tease and torment Barba in all of his erogenous zones.

By the time they had finished their intense lovemaking session several hours later, Barba was completely exhausted. He knew that having a younger lover would test his own stamina, but he seriously underestimated Sonny's seemingly boundless energy.

“You're going to be the death of me, Sonny.”

The younger man wrapped his long arms around Barba and kissed him affectionately in response. “I choose to take that as a compliment.”

“It was an indictment on your lovemaking skills, you oversized giraffe,” Barba mumbled drowsily as he settled against Sonny's chest. “And you're still paying for the cleaning bill.”

Sonny smiled as he reached for the afghan on top of the sofa and covered their tired bodies with it before they fell asleep in each other's arms.

It was still worth it.

* * *

“Hello? Anybody home in there?”

Sonny snapped out of his daze. “Sorry sis. I guess I was thinking about something else.”

Bella rolled her eyes. They were walking back to work through downtown Manhattan after an extended lunch each with a cup of coffee in hand. “Well, duh. Seriously Sonny, how you gush and moon over Rafael is really something. You'd think you were the only one that's ever been in love before.”

Sonny stopped abruptly in his tracks. “Who said anything about being in love?”

“It's more than a little obvious. Anyone can tell by looking at you two whenever you're together. You should just come out and tell him how you feel.”

“I wish everyone would stop telling me what to do. I don't want to rush things this time, all right? And I'll tell Rafael when the time is right and not a moment sooner.”

“Aha! So you ARE in love with him. I just knew it!”

Sonny's cheeks reddened in embarrassment at being called out in front of a large group of people nearby. “Would you keep your voice down, Bella? The rest of the state of New York didn't quite hear you.”

“Sorry, big brother. It's just refreshing to see you honest with yourself for once.”

“And just what do you mean by that remark?”

“Only that in your previous relationships, you were always trying to be someone you weren't. You were so worried about making the relationship work, that you put your needs last. But with Rafael, you're more relaxed and you act like your normal goofy self.”

Sonny smiled softly. “He makes it easy for me. In the beginning I tried too hard to impress him and that got me nowhere. Oddly enough, things got better between us when I started being myself.”

“Ma always said ' _To thine own self, be true_.' ”

“For your information, that was Shakespeare. I know it's silly, but I keep thinking that this is all some wonderful dream and that I'll eventually wake up. I have to pinch myself sometimes to convince myself that it's real.”

Bella reached over to pinch his arm playfully.

“Ouch! What the hell did you do that for?” Sonny replied angrily as he rubbed the sore spot on his arm that smarted.

“Just letting you know that you're not dreaming.”

“Next time, let me do it myself, will ya?”

“Speak of the devil. There's Mr. Wonderful right now.”

“Rafael? Where?”

“Across the street. And isn't that your boss, Lieutenant Benson?”

“Right on both counts, sis.”

Sonny's eyes reflected surprise as he saw Rafael and Liv standing in front of the building of the DA's office talking in what appeared to be a serious conversation. At first Sonny thought they were discussing another SVU case, but it seemed more personal, especially on Rafael's part. Something was definitely not right.

“I thought you said that he was going to be in court all day and couldn't join us for lunch.”

“That's what he told me,” Sonny replied in concern.

Why would Barba lie to him? He had never lied before. Barba looked like he was going to face a firing squad, while Liv had one hand pressed against her heart with a sympathetic expression on her face as her counterpart looked down at her with concern. Barba paused for a moment before turning around and entering the building. Just what the hell was going on?

Bella saw the concerned look in her brother's eyes as well as on his face. “I'm sure that it's just business.”

“I'm a detective, Bella. From their body language and the looks on their faces, that wasn't about work. At least that wasn't the only thing. It was something personal. Apparently, Rafael doesn't think I'm important enough to include me in the discussion.”

It wasn't so much that Sonny was jealous. Well, there WAS some jealousy, but not in the romantic sense. Sonny knew that Rafael and Liv were close as friends and colleagues. After all, it was part of the nature of their work in SVU, but it hurt to think that his own boyfriend would lie to him and confide in Liv, and not him.

“Stop overreacting, Sonny. You're being paranoid about nothing. I admit that it looks bad, but you're not getting the entire story. Isn't this what you call circumspec...circumstitial...?”

“Circumstantial evidence.”

“Yeah, that's it. Look, I'm sure that if there was something bothering Rafael, you would be the first person he would confide in.”

“I'm not so sure about that. Not after what I saw just now.”

“Even if he doesn't tell you what the issue is, doesn't he have the right to a little privacy?”

“Of course he does. But if he doesn't want to confide in me about something that's obviously bothering him, then what does that say about our relationship?”

“Who's to say that he doesn't want to tell you? Maybe he can't or he's trying to protect you. You don't know what's going on in his head. There's got to be some reasonable explanation.”

“Will you stop making sense, Bella? And whose side are you on, anyway?”

“Yours, of course. I just don't want you to jump the gun on this. There's too much riding on the line.”

“I appreciate the concern, but I can't ignore this and pretend that it didn't happen.”

“If it's bothering you that much, then talk to Rafael face to face and get to the bottom of it. Isn't it better to get the answer directly from him?”

Sonny smiled faintly in response. “When did my little sister get to be so wise?”

“Well, I AM a wife and mother, you know. Do me a favor Sonny, and just think about what I said. You don't want to ruin a good thing.”

“Thanks, sis.”

* * *

“Sonny? What are you doing here sitting in the dark?” Barba asked in surprise when he found his boyfriend in his apartment later that night.

Sonny got up slowly from the sofa and shoved his hands into the side pockets of his pants. “Waiting for you. I thought we could talk.”

“Can I take a raincheck? It's been a really long day,” Barba replied tiredly.

Normally, he wouldn't deny Sonny anything, but after his confrontation with his boss, Barba just wanted to be alone. And besides, Sonny didn't need to be involved in his own personal mess.

“I just have one question for you.”

Barba let out a sigh of resignation. “All right. What is it?”

Sonny looked at him directly in the eyes before replying, “Why did you lie to me?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Upload date: 07Jan2018
> 
> A/N: Will Barba trust Sonny or shut him out?


	12. Turning Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Preview: In this chapter, Sonny and Barba must come to a decision regarding their future together.

"I'm really not in a mood to play games. What exactly did I lie about?" Barba asked in confusion as he crossed the gap between himself and Sonny while placing his briefcase on the end table.

"You said that you couldn't make it to lunch today with Bella and me, because you were busy."

"So far, we're in agreement. I was in court, like I normally am most days."

Sonny tilted his head slightly to one side. "ALL day long?"

"I might have stepped out for a quick bite or to run an errand. There isn't a law against it the last time I looked. Or is there?"

Sonny took his hands out of his pockets and crossed his arms over each other with his legs slightly apart, which was his usual stance when he was questioning suspects.

"I guess that it was my imagination when I saw you and Liv in front of the DA's office this afternoon. Unless, of course, it wasn't you after all and there's a doppleganger out there who also happens to be an ADA in Manhattan."

Barba's green eyes reflected an admission of guilt. His gaze lowered slightly in response. Sonny's heart clenched in pain against his chest. Deep down, he was hoping and praying that what he had seen earlier was just a mirage. But it was true. Barba had lied to him after all.

"That WAS you, wasn't it?" Sonny asked, already knowing the answer.

"What do you want from me?" Barba replied wearily as he met Sonny's gaze after an awkward moment of silence.

"I want you to talk to me like you used to. I want you to tell me how you're feeling inside. I don't care if you yell or scream or throw around the furniture. You can even yell at me if you want to. Just don't shut me out."

"It was just one lunch date. If it'll make you happy, I'll take you out every day for a week to make up for it."

"Are you even listening to me? Look, I'm not mad that you lied about not being available for lunch. I'm more disappointed in the fact that you felt you couldn't tell me what's been bothering you these past few days. We've never kept any secrets from each other, Rafael."

"I guess there's always a first for everything."

"This isn't funny."

"I wasn't making light of the situation. I was just stating a fact. Sonny, I care about you very much, but there are some things that I'm not at liberty to share with you, no matter how much I want to."

"You wouldn't be going to this extreme if you didn't have your back against the wall. I'm not stupid. You've been purposely keeping your distance from us at 1 PP and I know that Willard has something to do with it. We know that he contacted your office using a burner cell phone. That's why you refused to help us with the search warrant for his office, isn't it? Because of something he knows about you."

"Just leave well enough alone, all right? We got the bastard in the end. That's all that matters. There's no need to beat a dead horse."

"I thought we trusted each other. I thought we could talk to each other about anything. Am I just some warm body that you use to satisfy your carnal urges and then toss aside when things start to get too uncomfortable? Or do I mean something to you?"

Barba reached out so that he could pull Sonny into his arms to placate him, but the younger man took a step backwards automatically. Sonny couldn't allow himself to be swayed by sentiment. He knew that if Barba touched him, he would waver on his resolve to get to the truth behind Barba's motivations. Barba on the other hand, felt like someone had kicked him in the gut. He couldn't bear to see the look in Sonny's eyes.

"You're more important to me than anyone I've ever been with, Sonny," Barba replied solemnly. "And I do trust you."

"You have a funny way of showing it. Come on, Rafael. Talk to me. It can't be all that bad."

Barba squared his shoulders to brace himself. "And what if it is? Would you look at me differently if you found out that I'm not who you thought I was? That I was no better than David Willard?"

"I would prefer to make my own assessment, thank you. And it's laughable that you would equate yourself with that pathological murderer. You are nothing like him. You have a conscience and a soul. That's one of the things that I admired about you from the beginning, even though you wanted everyone to believe you were this sarcastic, social climbing, opportunist that only cared about winning cases and furthering your career. And for a while, that was true. But as time passed, I saw how the cases affected you on a personal level and I saw how you had changed. You allowed yourself to care more. I know that it probably wasn't an easy thing for you to do, considering your personality and upbringing. It's all the more humbling to know that you let your guard down enough to share a part of yourself with me. But I don't want you to suffer in silence. I want to be there for you, just like you were there for me when I needed you. Won't you let me in, Rafael?"

Barba felt torn inside as his need for secrecy battled against his desire to share his deepest regret with his lover. No. Sonny was more than just a lover. He was a friend, a companion, and last, but most definitely not least, he was Barba's soulmate. He wanted to tell Sonny and assuage his fears by reassuring the younger man that he was the most important person in his world as far as Barba was concerned. That being said, it still wasn't enough to make him divulge his past transgression, mainly because he was terrified of how Sonny would react to discovering his not so ethical past. Even though he had already revealed his secret to Liv, he couldn't bring himself to tell Sonny, for fear of losing him altogether.

"You don't know what you're asking. Once I open that Pandora's Box, it can never be closed again. And we can never go back to the way it was before. Is that what you want?"

"You didn't seem too concerned having Liv with you before going to the DA's office this afternoon. In fact, you always share your deepest thoughts and feelings with her. It's always been that way, even after you and I started seeing each other."

"That's not true, and you know it," Barba denied vehemently. "I've shared parts of my past with you that I haven't told anyone before. Not even to Liv."

"Perhaps. But it doesn't change the fact that you never hesitate to confide in her whether it involves work or if it's about a personal matter. I know that you've known her longer and that it's part of your job, but it just feels like I'm always an afterthought where you're concerned. It's like I'm not good enough for you or something. You of all people, should know what it feels like playing second fiddle."

"That was a cheap shot," Barba replied a grim voice.

"I'm sorry, but I can't help feeling that way, and I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I mean, is your friendship with Liv more important, that you can't even tell me what happened today? I'm not just some schmuck off the street. I'm the person who cares about you the most."

This time, Sonny couldn't hide the pain reflected in his voice. He knew that he was being a little too sensitive, but he couldn't help it. After all, he was only human.

"You're getting worked up over nothing, Sonny. Liv and I bumped into each other on the way to the DA's office. She was just giving me moral support because she already knew about what Willard had on me. There's no reason for you to feel threatened by her or anyone else for that matter."

Sonny shook his from side to side in disbelief and frustration. Not only had Barba told Liv about his secret, but apparently, she had known about it for some time. "Well, that answers my question. It seems that you can confide in her, but not me. It's nice to know where I stand as far as you're concerned."

"That's not fair. You're twisting my words," Barba replied defensively. He placed one hand at the waist while the other hand rubbed his forehead in frustration. Now, he knew what it was like to be on the other side of an interrogation. He was in a no win situation no matter how he answered back. "Look, I know that it's a lot to ask, but I'm pleading with you to trust me. I can't involve you in this. It's nothing personal."

"You ask too much, Rafael. You want me to trust you, but you won't trust me. That's not how this trust thing works."

"I'm sorry Sonny, but this is something that I can't share with you."

"Can't?...Or won't?"

"If you really cared about me, you would respect my wishes by not forcing the issue."

Sonny ground his lips together in an attempt to quell his frustration and pain. Now, Barba was using emotional blackmail to get to him. But Sonny wasn't going to give in. He could be just as stubborn as Barba was being.

"And if you really cared about me, I wouldn't have to resort to these measures."

"You know that I don't respond well to threats. I'm used to getting them from disgruntled cops, judges, and even from the DA's office. But I never thought I would be getting them from my own boyfriend."

"I've never wanted you to do anything that you didn't want to do on your own, Rafael," the younger man replied softly. "But it seems that you won't budge on this issue. So, I'm going to do the only thing I can do under the circumstances."

"And just what exactly are you implying?" Barba demanded.

Sonny took a deep breath before continuing, bracing himself for Barba's reaction.

"It's obvious that keeping your secret is more important to you than our relationship. So I think...I think we should stop seeing each other for the time being."

Barba stared at Sonny incredulously. "You've got be freaking kidding. You're breaking up with me?"

"I wish to God, that I were kidding," Sonny replied painfully. "And I'm not planning on breaking up with you."

"Not now, anyway," Barba replied glibly. "Isn't that the point of the whole endeavor?"

"That's up to you, Rafael. All I'm saying is that the best thing for us, is to have some time away from one another and we can think things through and decide what exactly it is that we want from this relationship."

"I didn't think that you would use my feelings for you as a weapon against me."

"Do you think I WANT to do this? Do you think I relish the idea of an uncertain future without you? I gave you every chance to tell the truth, but you stonewalled me at every turn. How can you expect me to accept that kind of relationship where we have secrets from each other?"

"I'm trying to protect you, Sonny. Can't you see that?"

"No, I can't see that. And I don't want or need protection. I need honesty, communication, and trust. All I see from my point of view is that I'm not important enough to take the risk. I still want to be with you, Rafael, but as long as there's this...this  _thing_ between us, I can't. It hurts too much. Every time I look into your eyes, I'll be reminded that there's a part of you I can't reach."

As much as Barba hated to admit it, Sonny was right. He was wrong for even asking Sonny to accept such an arrangement in the first place.

"If that's what you want, I'll accept your wishes. But I won't like it."

"I'm not too particularly fond of it, myself. But I know that it's the right thing to do."

"I hate it whenever you're right and I'm wrong."

"That's the sweetest compliment you've ever given me, Rafael."

Sonny and Barba stared deeply into each other's eyes, not knowing if things would ever be the same between them.

"It's going to be hell without you, Sonny."

"Copy that," Sonny replied softly. "If it's any consolation, it's going to be hell for me without you as well."

"At least that's something. So...I guess I'll see you when I see you."

"Yeah, I guess so. Take care of yourself, Rafael. And remember to take your vitamins and get some exercise like your doctor said. Because if you don't, I'll find out and bug you until you do."

"Serves me right for having a boyfriend who happens to be a hypochondriac and a cop."

"Well, you can't blame me for worrying since you're such a workaholic and a stubborn jackass."

"Thanks for still worrying."

"I will always care about you Rafael. No matter what happens between us."

Barba swallowed the lump that formed in his throat. He would rather face a hundred disciplinary committees than endure seeing the forlorn look in Sonny's eyes.

"Can I at least walk you out to your car?" Barba asked uncertainly.

Sonny's expression softened as he reached for Barba's hand. "Do you even have to ask?"

* * *

"You did what?" Lucia demanded after hearing the latest update on her son's romantic woes. " _¡Ay! ¡Me vuelves loca!_ "

Barba winced while rubbing the back of his neck in response to his mother's overly dramatic reaction. "I KNEW it was going to be a mistake telling you about what happened."

"Can you blame me for my reaction? The first person you're serious about after that ordeal with Yelina and you go and do something like this. Are you trying to give me more grey hairs on purpose?"

"I was trying to do the right thing, Mami. I was trying to protect Sonny."

"Sounds like he can take care of himself from the way he stood his ground. I haven't even met him yet, and I like him already. And now, I may not even get the chance thanks to your stubborness."

"Thanks for cheering me up," Barba replied sarcastically. "Maybe I'll go break my leg and give you a real laugh."

" _Mi hijo_ , you know that I love you and I'll always be on your side, but you have no one to blame for this, except yourself. You should have told Sonny the truth."

"I know, I know. I panicked, all right? Who would have thought that he was going to give me an ultimatum like that?"

"It sounds to me like the only reason Sonny forced your hand, was because he wanted to understand where you were coming from. That's perfectly understandable."

"I guess I was afraid that he wouldn't want to be with me if he knew what really happened."

"I think the statute of limitations on the guilt you're feeling expired a long time ago," Lucia replied softly. "You were younger then and less experienced, Rafi. You felt that you had no choice."

"That's no excuse. I knew what I was doing and I knew the consequences."

"So did Marianna. She was a junkie for most of her life. And she knew what she was doing when she took the heroin before testifying."

"But I was the one who took advantage of her moment of weakness, knowing what it could do to her. I practically put a gun in her hand, so to speak."

"We all make mistakes. None of us are perfect."

Barba allowed himself to smile gently.

"What's with that look?"

"You sounded just like Sonny a moment ago. That's exactly what he would say in this situation."

"Rafi, I hate seeing you like this. Go to him and tell him what he wants to hear and let the chips fall where they may. What's the worst that could happen?"

"He could want nothing more to do with me, that's what could happen. Sonny isn't ruthless. He's sweet, compassionate, and caring. In some ways, there's still an innocence about him. And he also has this steadfast belief in right and wrong. He may not want to understand...and he may not want to forgive my trespasses."

"Wouldn't you rather know for sure instead of wondering? It's better than what you're both going through right now. I bet he's just as miserable as you've been since you two took a time out from each other. I know for a fact that you miss Sonny and want to be with him."

"How did you come to that conclusion?"

"Simple deduction. A, I know what you like. B, I know what you don't like. And C, you wouldn't be discussing your love life with your mother if you weren't missing him."

"Hey, I'm the lawyer around here. How did you get so well versed in presenting a rock-solid case?"

"I'm your mother. I've been doing it all your life, darling. Where did you think you got your ability to argue from?"

Barba reached over to wrap his arms around his mother. "I love you, Mami."

"I love you too, Rafi."

* * *

"Hello Rafael."

Barba's eyes widened in shock and surprise at finding Sonny's father standing outside of his door a few days later. He could almost feel his palms perspiring in response.

"Mr. Carisi, what an unexpected surprise."

"I'm sure it is. And it's Dominick. Is it all right if I come in?"

"Oh, sure. Please make yourself at home," Barba replied somewhat nervously as he made way for the tall, imposing man. "Can I get you anything to drink?"

"No, thanks. I'm good. I've never been one to hold anything back so I'm just going to be honest here. I know what happened between you and Sonny."

"I should have known that he would tell his family. Tell one Carisi and you tell them all. I guess you want to lay into me as well. Well, go ahead. I deserve it."

"I'm not here to place any blame on you, Rafael. I just want to talk. And for your information, Sonny wasn't the one who told me. He doesn't even know that I'm here."

"If you're not here to read me the riot act, then why are you here?"

"You know, when my daughter first told us that she suspected that you and Sonny were attracted to each other, it threw me for loop. I mean Sonny has had his share of failed relationships with women, but it never occurred to me that he would fall for an older man."

"Does that bother you, sir? I mean, your wife told us that the two of you were okay with it, but I've always wanted to know straight from the horse's mouth. No insult intended."

"None taken."

"I mean, I would understand if you did because I grew up Catholic as well."

"To answer your question, yes I was surprised. But was I bothered by it? No, I wasn't."

"Thank you for that."

"My son is a passionate, confident, and headstrong Italian through and through. He gets it from both sides of the family. You probably know by now, that he never does anything half-hearted and that he wears his heart on his sleeve."

Barba acknowledged his sentiment with a nod and a wry grin. "I'm well acquainted with Sonny's inimitable personality."

"But he wasn't always that way. When he was a kid, he was a scrawny runt. He was short, skinny, awkward...and an easy target for all the neighborhood bullies. They would pick on him every day for no good reason. I guess they could see that he was sensitive and caring and like all bullies do, they took advantage of that so-called weakness. Because he became a target for the bullies, all the other kids were too scared to be friends with him. He spent a lot of time on his own. I told Sonny that I would take care of it so that they would regret messing with a son of mine. But God love him, he said that it was his problem and that he wanted to handle it on his own. I think in his mind, my intervention would have made things worse because he would be thought of as a snitch and that he couldn't take care of his own battles. I made a deal with Sonny that if it was ever too much for him, to just say the word and I would step in. He never said a word. It was hard to stand back and watch him go through that ordeal, especially when he would pretend that everything was okay when it wasn't. One time, he had to go to the hospital to get stitches when some kid pushed his face through a plate glass window. Sonny wouldn't say who did it, but I knew it was that punk Bobby Bianchi. His father was just as bad, if not worse."

Barba could feel his heart clench in pain. "Poor Sonny. I know what's it's like to deal with bullies, but at least I had friends to stick up for me. I can't imagine what he went through all alone."

"It wasn't until he had his growth spurt that things finally got better for him. Since he was growing taller and getting bigger physically, it made those bullies think twice before picking on him and decided to leave him alone. Things were finally getting better for Sonny. And for a while, he was back to his normally easy-going self. At least that was what we all thought."

"What do you mean?"

"All that pain and loneliness drove Sonny to a dark, lonely place inside. He became sullen and angry most of the time, lashing out at even the most trivial things. He became apathetic, rude, and just an all-around pain in the ass. We even moved to a new neighborhood so that Sonny could have a fresh start in a new environment, but that didn't help. He started cutting classes and staying out late without telling us where he had been. Punishing didn't help. Pleading with him didn't help. His mother and I were at a loss on what to do. The psychologist said that after the bullying he had experienced when he was younger, Sonny was finally letting those repressed feelings of anger, helplessness, and resentment manifest itself."

"It's hard to imagine Sonny that way, looking at him now. How did he finally snap out of it?"

"We had some relatives on Rose's side who were priests. They mentioned that there was a Father Delvecchio who had recently transferred to the area who had dealt with kids with needs and had some success. At first, we were skeptical since we tried having our own church priest counsel Sonny and his efforts had failed. But since we had nothing to lose, we agreed to let Father Delvecchio to give it a shot."

"Let me guess. He worked a miracle on the first try," Barba replied with a hint of sarcasm.

"Hardly. It took months of effort, persistence, and lots and lots of patience. Sonny had dealt with plenty of counselors before and in his frame of mind, he wasn't about let another get one over on him. But Father Delvecchio never gave up on Sonny. And let me tell you, there were moments that would have tried the patience of a saint."

"Oh, I know the feeling well. It sounds like you and your wife were at your wits' end."

"For most of that ordeal, we were. The real come-to-Jesus moment was when Sonny got caught vandalizing school property."

"He did WHAT?" Barba replied in complete shock.

"Hard to believe, right? Since he was a minor and it was his first offense, they let him off with a warning as long as he paid for the damages and went on probation. Sonny didn't want to hear the riot act from us again so he called Father Delvecchio to come get him. It turns out that the Padre paid for the damages right then and there out of his own pocket. When asked why he did it, his response was simply that everyone makes mistakes and that no one was perfect. Most importantly, he told Sonny that he believed in second chances, and that he believed in him. It turned out that Father Delvecchio, himself had also gone through a rough childhood, dealing with parents who were drug addicts that practically left him to fend for himself. It struck a familiar chord with Sonny who had struggled with his feelings of helplessness and unresolved anger. I mean, here was this stranger who was helping him out of a jam, without asking for anything for return. It made Sonny realize it wasn't too late to turn his life around. Things finally started taking a turn for the better for him not long after that. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it. Rose and I never knew about the incident until we saw Father Delvecchio again at Sonny's graduation from St. John's University when he told us the whole story."

"If you told me all of this to soften me up, then mission accomplished."

"Honestly Rafael, I didn't come here with any ulterior motives. I just wanted you to understand Sonny better so that you could see where he was coming from. I've always prided myself in allowing my children to live their own lives with minimal interference from me. But when it comes to Sonny, I can't just sit back and watch him suffer. Not again. Couldn't you meet him half-way and work this out between you two?"

"It's not as simple as you think, Dominick. There are other factors to consider. And with all due respect, this is really between me and Sonny."

"Fair enough. But I think you should know that he probably blames himself more than you blame yourself."

"Is that the truth or just an educated guess?"

"Just an observation. As you well know, Sonny takes everything personally. When I was sidelined during my heart attack a few years ago, he put his plans for law school on hold so that he could take care of the family. He also siphoned the money he was going to use for school to help pay for all the medical bills."

"He really was a good boy scout after all," Barba murmured softly. So that was the reason why Sonny had to go to law school at night while working full time as a detective at 1 PP. Barba's respect for him grew a hundred fold.

"What did you say?"

"Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about something he once told me in passing."

"I'll never forget what Sonny told me before my operation. He said,  _'Don't worry, Pop. I'll take care of things while you're in here. I promise, I won't let you and Ma down again. You'll see. I'll make you both proud of me again.'_  Even after all those years, he still felt guilty for something that was out of his control."

Barba felt like his heart was going to break in two. How could he ever doubt Sonny or his motivations?

"Deep down, I've always thought your son was special. I never knew just how much, until today."

Dominick smiled gently. "Yeah, he's pretty special all right."

"Thank you for telling me. I can see why family is so important to Sonny. If my father had a fraction of the patience you have, maybe I could have had a better relationship with him. He passed away over 15 years ago."

"I'm sorry, Rafael. I'm sure he was proud of you."

"He was...in his own way."

"Well, I'd better take my leave. I do hope that you and Sonny can work this out. You would make a terrific son-in-law."

Barba's cheeks turned bright red in response. Apparently, tact wasn't exactly a strong attribute in the Carisi family. "Hold on. You never told me how you found out about what happened between me and Sonny."

"Oh that. Let's just say that a mother knows and leave it that."

"Don't tell me that my mother put you up to this," Barba replied suspiciously.

"All right, I won't then," the older man replied succinctly before making his exit.

When Dominick reached his car, he received an incoming text message from Lucia Barba. She had probably been waiting on pins and needles. He began typing a response and replied, " _Mission accomplished. It's all up to them now."_

" _Thanks for your help. Did Rafael sound any closer to changing his mind?"_

" _No, but I gave him a lot to think about."_

" _Let's hope that stubborn son of mine gets his act together or I'll REALLY give him something to think about."_

Dominick chuckled in response. He always thought that his wife, Rose was a handful until he met Rafael's mother. Lucia Barba was a force of nature. He was just glad that they were on the same side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Upload date: 16Jan2018
> 
> A/N: Barba and Sonny are sure stubborn, aren't they?
> 
> Thank you as always, for reading and supporting my labor of love! I always appreciate the comments and encouragement.


	13. Tell Tale Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah, many many apologies for the delay, friends!
> 
> Had the worst bout of writer's block for two weeks. I hope you enjoy the next chapter. Cheers!
> 
> Preview: Sonny and Barba are still as stubborn as ever, but they still miss each other. Also, Barba gets an unlikely visitor.
> 
> Time Frame: After the end of Season 18

"Hey Carisi, wanna join us for a drink? My treat."

Sonny raised his head that had been buried behind his monitor and gave Fin a quizzical look. "What's the occasion? It's only Wednesday."

"No reason. It's been a rough few weeks for us, especially after that last case. We've earned a little R&R, if only before the next crisis comes along."

Sonny concurred. It had been rough few weeks all right, both professionally and personally for him. Ever since he and Barba took a break from seeing each other, things had become a little tense at work whenever they were at odds with each other, which served to exacerbate their personal issues. Liv was probably already aware of the situation, because of course, Barba would have told her already, like he always did with most things.

"That's really nice of you. But I think I'll pass."

"What's the matter? Trouble with Miss 34B?"

"Huh?" Sonny asked in confusion before remembering Barba's practical joke. "Oh, right. Yeah, my friend and I had a fight."

"Tough break. Is it serious?"

"Serious enough," Sonny replied softly. "I admit that I'm more than a little worried at this point."

"Take my advice. It's better to swallow your pride and be the first to apologize."

"Wait a minute, here. I didn't do anything wrong."

"Doesn't matter. If you want things back to the way they were, then you gotta be the one to make the first move."

"Says who? I don't see why I should be the one to give in. It takes two to tango."

"Trust me, being stubborn only drags things out. And the longer you wait, the more opportunity you give for the other person to change their mind about the relationship. Unless you're willing to take the chance, I'd err on the side caution."

Sonny's eyebrows pinched together in concern. Barba wouldn't stray away from him...would he? The younger man was dismayed to realize that he wasn't entirely sure anymore. It was a sure sign that Sonny was beginning to experience separation anxiety in the worst way ever since he and Barba decided to take a breather from each other. The time apart only reinforced the fact that Sonny was deeply and hopelessly in love with him. Sonny missed Barba so much, especially at night when he was alone in bed. He wanted to feel Barba's arms around him again and he wanted to feel the touch of his hands and lips against his skin and igniting his passions. Sonny didn't just miss Barba. He yearned for him, both physically and emotionally. He had never felt so lonely before, even back during his formative years when it had felt like hell on earth. But to even consider the possibility that Barba would seek comfort in the arms of another made Sonny immediately on edge.

"Do you think that's a real possibility, Fin?"

"It wouldn't be the first time it's ever happened to someone in your similar situation. And it certainly won't be the last."

"You really made me feel better," Sonny replied sarcastically. "With friends like you, who needs enemies?"

"Grandpa Iggy always said that the truth shall set you free. But don't get bent out of shape. If things don't work out, tomorrow is another day. With your looks, you could probably get anyone you wanted."

Except that Sonny didn't want anyone else. He only wanted Barba and him alone. "Thanks for the compliment, but I think I can handle it from here on out."

The older and more experienced detective shrugged his shoulders. "Suit yourself. Oh yeah, and one more thing. I wouldn't worry so much about Barba straying. He wouldn't step out on you."

Sonny's eyes widened in shock. He and Barba had been so careful about not flaunting their relationship. How did Fin know? It wasn't that Sonny was ashamed. On the contrary, he had wanted to shout it from the top of the Empire State building that he had been dating the most attractive ADA in the state of New York. Fortunately, Barba had talked him out of it. Both he and Barba had eventually come to a consensus that it would be easier to keep their relationship below the radar as far as work was concerned. But apparently, their relationship hadn't been quite as secretive as they thought.

"I...I don't know what you're talking about," the younger detective replied nervously.

"Do you mean to tell me, that there is NOTHING going on between you two?"

Sonny paused for a moment in contemplation. It wasn't completely a lie, since they were currently apart. "That's exactly what I'm saying."

"Do I look like I just started on the job or something?" Finn scoffed in derisively. "Miss 34B. You are such a liar, Carisi."

"It's true that I admire Barba professionally. After all, it shouldn't be any surprise. He's a prosecutor and I'm interested in following a similar career path. That's all there is to it."

"That's not all you're interested in. You and Barba have been an item for months. It's no surprise considering the way you were always trying to impress him with your legal knowledge when you came here. And then there were the looks between you two every now and then, when you thought no one noticed. There's no use in denying it."

"There's nothing to deny, Fin."

"Uh-huh. Look, if you didn't want to be discovered, then maybe you should learn to be a little more discreet in the future. During the holiday party, you couldn't took take your eyes off Barba the whole night."

"I did no such thing!" Sonny replied indignantly.

"Oh, don't worry. Barba was just as bad. He never left your side the entire time, except when he danced with that hot little señorita. It's no wonder you were so jealous."

"I'm probably wasting my breath trying to convince you otherwise, right?" Sonny replied with a look of defeat on his fair face.

"Yup. If this was a trial, I'd say that there was enough evidence to convict you."

"Oh, good Lord. Was it really that obvious?"

"Only to those of us that suspected there was something going on. And after the way you two rushed off during the party, that was just the final nail in the coffin."

"Wait a minute. You just said ' _us_ '. Who else knows about this?"

"No one."

"Except..." Sonny prompted suspiciously.

"All right. You dragged it out of me. Liv and Amanda know too."

So THAT was what they were talking about at the party when they were huddled together. Sonny should have known.

"Well, that's juuust great," he replied sarcastically. "I'm sure everybody had a good laugh at my expense. And I'm sure the whole precinct knows about it by now. I might as well go into hiding."

"Come on, Carisi. Don't be like that. You know we wouldn't do that to you or to Barba."

The younger man nodded in acknowledgement. In some ways, it felt good not to have to hide their relationship from the team. Sonny just hoped it was still intact.

"Yeah, I know you guys wouldn't. Sorry. It's just been hard, you know? He and I have had our differences before, but it's never been like this."

"Hey, don't worry about Barba. He's going to come around eventually."

"You're more confident than I am at this point. I've never been really good at long-term relationships. Maybe this is a sign that it wasn't meant to be."

"Or maybe you should learn to have a little more faith. I've known Barba for some time now and he doesn't open up to just anyone. You're one of the few people that he trusts outright."

"Only when it's convenient for him," Sonny replied poignantly.

"Who are you? And what have you done with the real Carisi?"

"What? I'm not allowed to have flaws? I'm so tired of people treating me like I'm some choirboy. Barba was the first person I was ever really serious about. It's hard to keep a sunny disposition like some Pollyanna when I feel like absolute crap right now."

"Instead of sitting there whining, why don't you do something about it?"

"And what do you suggest I do? Barge into Barba's office and have it out with him?"

"Why not? Sometimes you have to force the other person's hand and see who blinks first."

"Because I tried that already and it didn't work. Besides, I suck at playing poker and I'm not ready to take that kind of risk."

"Well, something has got to change. You're unhappy. He's been grumpy. And nothing gets resolved while you're here sulking."

"I don't know why I expected you to understand," Sonny retorted in exasperation.

"Do you think that you're the only one that's ever been in a situation like this before? Do you think you and Barba are the only ones that have had relationship issues?"

"Of course, I don't. But he acts like I'm the enemy. I just want him to open up to me. Is that so wrong?"

"That's your problem, Carisi. You put him on such a high pedestal that any time he doesn't fulfill your expectations, you think it's the end of the world. I hate to disappoint you, but he's not perfect."

"Believe me, I know better than anyone that's he's not perfect. And I never expected him to be. All I've ever wanted was a relationship where we had no secrets from each other."

"Then maybe you should start adjusting your expectations. Everyone has something in their past that they would prefer to remain in the past. No one likes to be given an ultimatum."

"Are you implying that this is all my fault?"

"I didn't say that. Do me a favor and just think about what I said. If you feel up to joining us for that drink, we'll be at the usual place," the older detective replied before turning to leave.

"Hey Fin?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for the advice," the younger detective replied softly.

Fin nodded in acknowledgement and sauntered down the hallway and out of the office. He certainly gave Sonny a lot of thinking to do.

* * *

"Are you planning to stay late again, Mr. Barba?" Carmen asked in concern.

Barba sighed tiredly and gave his faithful assistant a weak smile. "I'm afraid so. New York is the city that never sleeps. Unfortunately, crime doesn't either."

"It's too bad that Detective Carisi has been so busy at SVU that he hasn't been able to stop by like he usually does."

"I was doing just fine before he came along."

"That may be, but it's more fun whenever he's in the office. Plus, with the backlog of cases after your suspension, I'm sure you could use his help at a time like this."

"Thank you, Carmen. That will be all," Barba replied dismissively, not wanting to discuss Sonny because it would remind him again of how much he missed the younger man.

Carmen gave a slightly exasperated look at her boss before leaving him alone again. Barba then leaned back in his chair and stared up at the ceiling. Despite his dismissive attitude, he couldn't agree more with Carmen's astute assessment of the situation. Everything was indeed better with Sonny around. Barba missed him more than he thought it was ever possible to miss anyone. He missed Sonny's irrepressible smile, his beautiful expressive blue eyes, and his calm, soothing presence. He even missed Sonny's goofy yet down-to-earth, Staten Island ways, and that was saying a lot. There were times that Barba would even listen to the saved voice messages on his phone, just so he could hear Sonny's voice again. If that wasn't desperate, he didn't know what else was.

But it was the nights that got to Barba the most. He would come home after a long day in court and his apartment would feel so empty. In the past, Sonny would often stop by and have dinner all ready for him by the time he came home, greeting him with a big smile and a warm hug. They would then share their day over a delicious meal and just enjoy each other's company. And if they were feeling amorous, Sonny would end up spending the night afterwards. The younger man would cuddle up against Barba after they made love and sigh in complete contentment before falling asleep in his arms. Knowing now what he did about what Sonny's painful past, made Barba cherish him even more. Everything was going so well between them and then Barba's past came back to haunt him, yet again. He could have told Sonny what he wanted to know. He should have told him. There was absolutely nothing stopping Barba from reaching out to Sonny and settling the matter once and for all, except for the crippling fear that he would lose Sonny forever if he knew the truth.

"Is this a bad time?" a familiar voice came from across the room.

Barba's eyes widened in disbelief and shock as he turned his attention towards the doorway. "Yelina?"

The tall Latina came forward hesitantly, never losing contact with Barba's green eyes. She still looked the same since the last time they talked, which wasn't fair in the least. Time had been extremely kind to her. It had been almost four years since he had last spoken to his ex-flame, and not exactly on the best of circumstances. What do you say to the wife of your best friend, whom you helped to indict for several felonies that ruined a budding potentially successful political career?

"Long time, no see, Papi."

Barba immediately vaulted himself from his chair and went over to close the door for privacy. "What are you doing here?"

"Sorry for dropping by unannounced, but I was in the neighborhood and I wanted to see you again. I know that you probably didn't expect to see me after...after what happened with Alex."

"That's the understatement of the year," Barba replied uncomfortably.

Yelina nodded in agreement. "I wouldn't blame you if you told me to get lost."

"I would never do that, Yelina. Are the girls here with you?"

"They're with their grandparents for the weekend. I needed to get away for a little bit."

There was an awkward moment of silence between them. Barba was the first to speak.

"Are you and Alex still together?"

Yelina gave a look of resignation. "I promised to stay with him for better or worse. Besides, he's still the father of my children. That will never change."

"I um...I heard that he's up for parole in a few months. For whatever it's worth, I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. Alex was the one that committed all those crimes. I was so blind, Rafi. I thought I knew everything. I believed his lies all these years."

"Don't be so hard on yourself. He fooled everyone, Yelina. Even himself."

"The worst part of all this mess is that my woman's intuition suspected he was cheating on me, but I didn't want to admit it. I guess I really was suited to be the wife of a politician and overlooking his philandering ways. I'll bet he was cheating on me even when we were dating."

"I know that you don't want to hear this now, but I really didn't have a choice when I turned in evidence to the special prosecutor. Alex broke the law and he dragged Eddy into it. I gave him every chance to turn himself in. I even risked my career by warning him."

"He told me that you did it to get back at him for what happened in the past. That you were jealous because Alex took me away from you and because you couldn't stand the fact that someone else from the  _barrio_  could become successful."

"Neither of those statements were true then, and they're not true now. Alex was a master manipulator and only cared about himself."

"I'm just sorry that I didn't trust you like I should have."

Barba shrugged his shoulders helplessly. "He was your husband and you believed him. I wouldn't have expected anything less."

"The ironic thing is that he still thinks that he was set up by Wall Street despite of all the evidence. Can you believe that?"

"He's always been a brawler, Yelina. That survival instinct never left him, even after leaving the  _barrios_."

"I should have stayed with you, Rafi. You were always the smart one, like Eddy said. You always put me first when we were going together. And you were always looking after all of us."

If Yelina had told him this a few years ago in the aftermath of the scandal, Barba might have felt some sort of vindication. Perhaps, he would have even have felt some glimmer of hope that they would reconcile. But now, all he felt for his ex-girlfriend was sympathy and a sense of closure. That door was permanently closed, now that Sonny was in his life. Ironically, it took Yelina to make him finally see the light. It was about time that Barba showed Sonny just how important he was to him. He just hoped that it wasn't too late.

"That was a long time ago. It's all water under the bridge now."

"Is it?" Yelina asked pointedly. "I've always regretted the way I handled our breakup, Rafi. I never wanted to hurt you."

"Oh, you mean there was a less painful way to dump me than on Christmas Eve?" Barba replied sarcastically.

"I deserved that. If I had known what Alex was really like, I would have chosen you over him long ago."

"Well, the fact is that you did choose him over me. We can't go back and change the past. And we can't have a future together, if that's what you're suggesting."

"Why not? Didn't you tell me that you loved me?"

"I did love you...once. Even if I wanted to be with you, I couldn't. You're still married to Alex."

"I'll get a divorce. I'll do anything. Just don't abandon me like everyone, Rafi. I need you now more than ever before."

"What about the things you said earlier, about staying with him for better or worse? Those were your words, not mine."

"I wanted to see how you would react to the possibility. I know that you still care about me. Your feelings can't have changed that much."

"That's just wishful thinking on your part. And you're wrong. A lot of things have changed since then. I'VE changed. There's someone else in my life now that gives me what you never could. And I'm not going to jeopardize that for you or anyone else. If you ever need my help, I'm always here for you, as I would be for any friend. But if you're asking if there's a second chance for us, then I'm afraid the answer is no. What we once had is over."

Barba went past her to reach for the doorknob when he heard a distinctive metal click behind him, stopping him dead in his tracks. He slowly turned around and found himself staring down the barrel of a revolver that Yelina was pointing right at him.

"Yelina...what the hell do you think you're doing?" Barba asked in complete disbelief.

"Something I should have done four years ago when you destroyed my whole world. You took my husband away, you took my future, and you tore my family apart, Rafi. I'm not going to let you get away with it while you go and live in your fancy Park Avenue apartment and flaunt your lifestyle while I'm struggling just to make ends meet."

This was bad. Yelina was obviously not in the right frame of mind and she was not going to listen to reason. The strain of the indictment and the fallout from the mayoral campaign had really taken its toll on her. Barba had to do something to dissuade his ex-girlfriend from doing something she would regret.

"I'm sorry you've had a hard time after the indictment and the conviction. I really am. But don't do this. There are security cameras and witnesses everywhere. You can't possibly get away with what you're planning. If convicted, you're looking at life imprisonment, possibly even the death penalty. It's a no-win situation."

"I think that's a fair exchange, don't you think? An eye for an eye. A life for a life. You destroyed my life, so I'm going to take yours. Now we're going to walk calmly out of this office and you're going drive us to your apartment where an unfortunate accident is going to happen to ADA Barba."

"Yelina, stop for a moment and listen to me. Think about those two beautiful daughters of yours and what this is going to do to them. Their father is already in prison. They can't lose their mother as well."

"I AM thinking about them," she replied shakily as she still held the gun at him. "They'll learn that if you want any kind of justice in this world, you have get it yourself. And they'll learn to stand up for themselves and not let any man take advantage of them."

"I wasn't the one that used my political influence in exchange for sexual favors. I didn't swap naked pictures with underage girls under the guise of communicating with my constituents. That was your husband. He's the one you should be blaming."

"YOU could have looked the other way and ignored the evidence. You could have used your pull with the DA's office to make Alex's scandal go away. Everything would have been fine if you hadn't played the goody two-shoes boy scout. Alex was right about one thing. You'll do anything to be like the  _gringos_."

"My actions had nothing to do with class envy. It was about right and wrong. I KNOW who I am and where I come from. And I know that what I did was the right thing to do."

"How noble of you," Yelina mocked, her voice dripping with contempt. "It's too bad you won't be around to reap the fruits of your labor. Remember that old saying, ' _No good deed ever goes unpunished'_."

"Mr. Barba, there's someone here to see you," Carmen's voice came through the intercom on his desk, suddenly interrupting the tense standoff.

Barba's eyes darted back and forth between his desk and Yelina, who was visibly nervous.

"I should answer. Carmen might get suspicious."

Yelina nodded, allowing him to walk over to his desk and respond, but kept the gun pointed at him with both hands that were shaking uncontrollably.

"I'm busy, Carmen. Tell whoever it is to schedule an appointment for another day," Barba replied as calmly as he could while pressing on the speaker button.

"But it's Detective Carisi. He said that's it's very important that he sees you right away."

"Is it police business?"

"He didn't say."

"Then tell him to come back later. He knows that I can't be bothered by him for trivial matters. And when you're done with that, you can take off as well."

If Barba couldn't get out of this mess, then at least Carmen and Sonny would be safe. He would never forgive himself if they got caught in the crossfire. He couldn't even guarantee his own safety at this point.

"Are you sure you don't need me to stay longer, Mr. Barba?" she replied curiously.

"Quite sure. I'll be working late and since your  _Aunt Olivia_ is visiting Manhattan, you should spend some time with her and  _little Dominick_. I'm sure they would appreciate it."

"All right. I'll see you in the morning then. Goodnight, sir."

Barba took a deep, nervous breath of air before turning his attention back to Yelina. "You don't have to do this. It's not too late to turn back. If you drop the gun and leave, I won't tell anyone what happened. Don't ruin the rest of your life by making this one mistake."

"Shut up! Shut up!" Yelina ordered angrily. "You think you know everything. You think you have all the answers, Rafi. Well, you don't! You have no clue what I've been through. Do you have any idea what it was like to sit through the trial, playing the role of the supportive wife and mother while hearing all the lies and the deceit being presented before the world to see like it was a three-ring circus? Everywhere I went, I was surrounded by the paparazzi with cameras and microphones shoved in front of my face. I was constantly harassed by phone calls and e-mails from strangers, calling me a fraud and a liar. I was condemned by the public, long before the verdict was read for something that I was innocent of. The girls asked me what they had done wrong and why their daddy was going away to jail. Tell me, Rafi. How the hell am I supposed to feel after all that?"

All of sudden, the door knob being jiggled as someone was attempting to enter the room. Yelina quickly hid her gun in her purse just as the door opened.

"Rafael, I know you don't want to see me right now, but I...," Sonny stopped in mid-sentence he entered the office and looking somewhat stricken with pain as his gaze darted back and forth between his boyfriend and the attractive woman standing next to him.

Barba's eyes widened in dismay. He had wanted to put Sonny out of harm's way, not right in the middle of it.

"Am I interrupting something?"

"Detective Carisi, I thought I told you that I couldn't bothered with you right now."

"And now I can see why. How could you, Rafael? How could you cheat on me? At least you could have waited until we broke up first."

Yelina was more than surprised at this revelation. "Rafi, what's going on here? Are you and he…?"

"Don't worry, lady. I have no intention of seeing ADA Barba any longer. He's all yours."

"Sonny, wait! It's not what you think," Barba protested in vain.

"Oh, it's exactly what I think. So that's why you were holding back all this time. You were never able to make a commitment, because you never intended to. You were still hung up on her the entire time."

"That's absurd. You're just being melodramatic. Yelina is an old friend."

"You mean ex-girlfriend, don't you? Amaro told me all about you two. I knew you were never really over her. You were only using me as a replacement. Just tell me one thing, Rafael. Were you thinking of her while you were doing it with me?"

"I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer."

"And I can't do this anymore. I can't live in her shadow while you pine away after her. I deserve better."

"Sonny, don't be like that. You know that I care about you."

In one lightning quick move, Sonny reached into his side holster at his hip and brandished his firearm, pointing it directly at Yelina. "Police! Take the gun out of your purse and put it on the ground!"

She had been so caught up in the drama unfolding before her, that she let her guard down just enough so that Sonny could get the upper hand when he reached for his gun. Yelina hesitated slightly, as if contemplating shooting her way out.

"Do it!" Sonny ordered authoritatively. "I won't hesitate to shoot on sight."

Normally, he wouldn't be this hostile, but after almost losing the love of his life, he wasn't in any mood to be his normal, empathetic self.

Yelina followed Sonny's instructions obediently and left her gun on the floor. Sonny took charge and motioned to Barba to pick it up.

"You all right?"

Barba nodded affirmatively. He was noticeably relieved. "Yeah. I'm fine…thanks to you."

"I can't believe you set me up, Rafi. After everything we've been through, you betrayed me yet again."

Barba gave her a sad look as he shook his head from side to side. "You betrayed yourself, Yelina."

Tears formed in her eyes as she crumpled to the floor, crying inconsolably. The sounds of police sirens could be heard in distance, coming closer to One Hogan Place, signaling that their backup had arrived. Fortunately, Carmen and Sonny had caught on to Barba's signal for help.

"Oh, and one more thing Detective," Barba said, looking at Sonny. "I highly recommend you take some acting lessons. That was the worst performance I've ever witnessed in my life."

"You're welcome," the younger man replied sarcastically.

But when Sonny looked back into Barba's green eyes, he knew that the other man was extremely grateful to be alive. And Sonny himself, couldn't agree more.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Upload date: 29Jan2018
> 
> A/N: Sonny saved the day! Swoon...


	14. Carisi and the Counselor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No, I didn't fall off the face of the earth. I just wanted to take my time with this particular chapter. I put a lot of thought and care into it, so I hope you will be pleased with the final product. I could go into a long diatribe on the state of SVU right now and what happened recently, but I won't. I want to remember Barba and Sonny the way Warren Leight created them and how they captured my imagination. 
> 
> This chapter and story is dedicated to Barisi who will continue as long as there are fans who appreciate them. Thank you Raul for bringing Barba to life! You will be missed!

“Hey counselor, we heard about what happened at your office,” Fin commented when he saw the ADA strolling into SVU headquarters several days after Barba's near-death experience at the hands of his ex-girlfriend. “Are you okay?”

Barba nodded affirmatively. “Yeah, I'm all right. I still can't believe that it happened. It was like I stepped into a bad revenge flick.”

“We couldn't believe it ourselves when we got the call from your assistant. Lucky for you that Carisi was there at the time,” Rollins replied suggestively, not even trying to hide the grin on her face.

“I suppose he has a useful purpose,” Barba replied neutrally. “Is he here?”

“He's out on special assignment. You're welcome to wait if you like. He should be back soon.”

“No, that's okay. I'll come back another time,” Rafael replied before turning to leave.

“So, did you two kiss and make up yet?” Fin asked just as Barba was about to push the button for the elevator.

Barba turned to give him a look that varied between disbelief and sheer horror at what he just heard. He blinked a couple of times before replying tersely, “What?!”

“Come on, counselor. We're all friends here. You can level with us.”

“I have no comment on the subject,” Barba said in a tone that implied that he had no intentions of discussing his relationship with Sonny with the other members of SVU.

“Is that all you have to say after Carisi saved your ass?”

“I've already expressed my gratitude to Detective Carisi, not that it's any of your business. Thank you for your concern, but whatever happens or doesn't happen is between us. Is that understood?”

“Fine, have it your way. I suppose you're not interested in the fact that he really missed you these past few weeks.”

“Really? Did he actually say that?” Barba replied eagerly before immediately gathering his composure back to his business persona. “I mean, that's nice.”

In the aftermath of Yelina's arrest and Sonny's recent undercover operations, they didn't have a chance to really talk to each other. He wanted to see Sonny again and hold him in his arms. He wanted to smother him in kisses and tell him how brave he had acted. He even missed the cute little sounds Sonny would make in his sleep. He just plain missed him.

“Hey Fin, don't you think ADA Barba is looking a little flushed? Especially around the collar?” Rollins teased in amusement.

“Must be that bug that's going around,” the older detective with a wide grin on his face. “It must be catching. Carisi has the same symptoms whenever Barba is around.”

“Probably just a coincidence.”

“As much as I love being the target of your less than subtle gibes, I have more important things to do.”

“Does that mean you want us to tell Sonny that you were here, looking for him?” Rollins called out as Barba headed toward the elevators.

Barba paused in thought, before replying reluctantly, “Yeah.”

As Barba leaned against the elevator paneling, he thought about his relationship with Sonny and everything they had been through, both personally and professionally. He really did want to show Sonny how much he appreciated what he did. After all, Sonny had literally and figuratively saved his life. But it was also the perfect opportunity to make up with him and express how he truly felt. Of course, his efforts could completely backfire. But then again, when did he ever back away from a challenge?

* * *

“Rafael, it's me, Sonny,” Sonny replied curiously as he cautiously entered Barba's apartment. It was dark except for the city night lights that filtered through the blinds bathing the room in a faint glow. “Rafael, are you there?”

Sonny had received a mysterious text from Barba asking him to meet him at his place after work, which stirred his curiosity. When he found out that he had just missed Barba's visit at the station the previous day, Sonny just about blew a gasket. He had been hoping and praying that Barba had changed his mind about their future together, because Sonny was almost at the end of his rope.

The overhead lights suddenly illuminated the room making Sonny squint from the sudden change in brightness. His jaw literally hung open in surprise at the sight before him. The dining room table was impeccably adorned with candles, sterling silver, fine china, and a feast fit for a king. Champagne was chilling in a bucket, just waiting to be consumed. There was even a beautiful centerpiece in the middle of the table, filling the room with the sweet fragrance of fresh cut roses in various shades and hues. Barba was sharply dressed as usual, in one of Sonny's favorite dark blue suits that was tailored to perfection. Sonny could feel his heart pounding in anticipation just like the time he caught Barba's gaze across a crowded ballroom during the holiday party. It wasn't fair that a man could be so handsome and sexy at the same time.

“I was beginning to think you would never show up,” Barba commented as he lighted the candles before crossing the distance between them.

“What's all this?” Sonny asked in confusion.

“Just a little token of my gratitude. I know that I'll never be able to repay you for saving my life, but I just wanted to show my appreciation. We've both been so busy that I never really got a chance to thank you properly. I even cooked all of your favorites. I know it's not in a league with your mother's cooking expertise, but I think you'll find it enjoyable.”

Sonny was speechless as he was blown away by all the thought and preparation that Barba went through just for him.

“What's the matter, Sonny? Don't you like it?”

“I love it. But you didn't have to do this.”

“Yes, I did. If you hadn't been there at the right time and place, I wouldn't be here with you now.”

Sonny's gaze lowered to the floor as the emotions he was experiencing threatened to overwhelm him entirely. Not only was this one of the sweetest and thoughtful things Barba had ever done for him, it was making Sonny’s heart ache from the grim reminder that the love of his life was almost taken from him. But there was also another reason for his apprehension.

“Hey, what's wrong?”

“It's...it's nothing.”

“It's not nothing,” Barba replied as reached over to gently tilt Sonny's chin up. “Come on, talk to me.”

Sonny raised his head so that he could stare into Barba's eyes. He could never deny Barba anything...well almost anything. “This is so thoughtful of you and I appreciate all the time and effort you put into it...”

“But?”

“But it doesn't change the situation between us,” Sonny replied softly. “We still haven't resolved anything yet.”

“Boy, you really are stubborn as a mule.”

Sonny gave him an incredulous glare as he pulled back slightly. “Look who's talking? If you weren't so damned stubborn yourself, we could have resolved this weeks ago. And if we had, then maybe you wouldn’t have been in that situation with Yelina. When are you going to get it through that thick skull of yours, that you can’t keep taking chances with your life?”

Barba moved his hand so that he could caress Sonny's cheek, sending a shiver of delight down the younger man's back. It had been far too long.

“You never were afraid to stand up to me and speak your mind. That's one of the many reasons that attracted me to you.”

Sonny couldn't help rubbing his cheek gently against Barba's hand in response. “You don't play fair, Rafael.”

“I know,” replied with a hint of mischief in his sparkling green eyes. “Tell you what. How about we call a truce for one night and just enjoy the moment while we can?”

“That's the best suggestion I've heard in a very long time.”

“Glad we could agree on something. Besides, the food's getting cold.”

Sonny burst out laughing as he felt Barba’s arm encircle his waist, ushering them to the table.

It felt good to be together again.

* * *

 “I am soo full,” Sonny moaned as he held his hand over his stomach while resting on the sofa. “I think I gained five pounds after that meal. I'm gonna have to go on a diet.”

Barba came over to where Sonny was recuperating and plopped down beside him while loosening his paisley silk tie.

“Yeah, right. Like YOU really need to,” Barba remarked drily while scanning over the younger man’s lean torso. “At least you don't have to work it off like the rest of us. Show-off.”

“Well, excuse me for being blessed with a fast metabolism. And it's not all genetics. Being a cop forces me to be in shape.”

“You were certainly quick with your gun. I guess that badge you wear isn't just for show after all.”

“Even when you're showing gratitude, you always find a way turn it into an insult.”

Barba leaned over to press a kiss against Sonny's forehead, lingering slightly.

“That's just my way of showing affection. But in all seriousness, that was pretty quick thinking on your feet, playing the part of the jealous boyfriend. Yelina was thrown off just enough to drop her guard. And that's not an easy thing to do, getting one over on her.”

“I just acted on instinct and did the first thing that came into my head. And it wasn't completely an act,” Sonny replied softly.

“You can't be serious. You mean, you were really jealous of her?”

“Don’t you dare laugh at me, Rafael Barba. When Carmen told me that you were in your office with Yelina, I turned into a green-eyed monster. I wanted to barge through that door and tell her that you still belong to me.”

“I’m flattered, Sonny. But you never had anything to worry about. I was over her a long time ago.”

“How was I supposed to know that?”

“Maybe you could have asked me?” Barba retorted.

“It wouldn't have done any good. I had to see it with my own eyes. Or in this case, I had to hear it with my own ears.”

“If it makes you feel any better, there were times I was jealous as well, especially when I heard you were seeing that woman you met in the library.”

“You mean, Chloe Reed? But that was ages ago. I told you that I was only seeing her to forget about you.”

“I don't think you realize the extent of my jealousy. It drove me crazy whenever you went on special assignment where you were surrounded by women hanging all over you. And who could blame them with your heavenly blue eyes, adorable dimples, and sweet smile. You don't know just how attractive you are.”

Sonny felt his cheeks flush bashfully at the compliment. It was definitely getting hot in the room. Or maybe it was Barba's close proximity that was affecting him.

“Um, Liv said that you spoke to the ADA handling Yelina's case and recommended a psychiatric evaluation. That was very generous of you to speak on her behalf, considering what she did to you.”

“Make no mistake. I didn't do it for her. I did it for the sake of her kids. Those poor girls have enough to deal with. Besides, any competent defense lawyer could make the case that there were mitigating circumstances and that Yelina had acted under extreme duress. I underestimated how bad things had gotten. Maybe now she'll get the help she needs.”

“Careful counselor. People will think you've gotten soft,” Sonny teased.

Barba gave a short self-deprecating laugh. “Maybe I have in some ways. You know what's ironic? After talking with Yelina, it only reinforced the fact that any lingering feelings I once had, were no longer there. In fact, it made me realize how much I want you in my life and just how important you are to me, Sonny. When I thought that I would never see you again…”

Barba stopped in mid-sentence as he was visibly affected by his harrowing experience. It was a rare sight to see him so emotionally naked and vulnerable. Sonny knew what Barba was going through all too well.

“Rafael, it's all over,” he replied softly. “I'm not going anywhere. As long as you still want me, I'll be here. I never left.”

“Of course I still want you, Sonny. It's been hell without you these past few weeks. I never realized how much I missed being with you and talking to you. I even missed arguing with you.”

“It hasn't exactly been a picnic for me, either. You don't know how many times I laid awake at night wanting your arms around me and feeling your breath against the back of my neck, waking me up in the morning. It was like a part of me was missing.”

All of a sudden, Barba dived in and kissed Sonny with such passion and force that Sonny's lips felt like they were on fire. He felt Barba cradle his face within his strong sculpted hands, holding him prisoner while he continued plundering Sonny's mouth, sparring with his tongue, and drawing him into his mouth, which elicited a familiar moan of pleasure from the younger man, stirring Barba's own passions.

“Mmm...Rafael...wait,” Sonny protested, trying to get some air after a few breathless moments.

Barba leaned forward to touch his forehead against Sonny's forehead. “I know we haven’t fixed our problems, but don't push me away, Sonny. I need to be with you tonight.”

Sonny smiled as he reached up to caress Barba's lips with his fingertips. “I was just going to suggest that we continue this discussion in your bedroom. The last time we did it on the sofa, my back was sore for a week.”

Barba threw his head back and laughed out loud before taking Sonny's hand and pressing a kiss against his fingers. “You never cease to surprise me, Detective.”

Within seconds of entering the bedroom, they were both clutching at each other and removing each article of clothing as fast as humanly possible. But then again, it had always been that way between them when it came to their passion and desire for each other. They had been apart for way too long and it showed in the way they clung to each other desperately and kissed each other with urgency and longing. Barba was thorough in his sensual ministrations as there was no area on Sonny's body that was left untouched by his roaming hands and lips. Sonny returned the favor in kind and grinned in satisfaction when he heard the familiar deep groans emanating from Barba's throat. When they finally came together, Sonny couldn't keep his voice from crying out in pure ecstasy. They made love so many times, that Sonny lost count. By the time they came back down to earth, both Barba and Sonny were both completely exhausted, but thoroughly satisfied. Sonny was resting in a languid state, as Barba held him within the circle of his strong arms; their lower limbs tangled together beneath the luxurious sheets.

“That was intense. Maybe we should take a break from each other more often,” Barba murmured as he drew lazy circles on Sonny's shoulder with his fingers.

Sonny chuckled against his lover's chest. “Not on your life, buster.”

“You were right when you said that you deserved to hear the truth,” Barba replied softly.

“You mean about Yelina?”

“I was referring to the circumstances of why I lied to you the day you saw me in front of the DA's office with Liv.”

Sonny turned to gaze into Barba's eyes. There was a look of uncertainty that he had never seen before. But it was more than uncertainty. There was a palpable look of fear as well.

“Rafael, you don't have to...” he began to protest.

“Yes, I do. I've wanted to tell you so many times, but every time I was about to, I talked myself out of it. It wasn't because I didn't trust you. It was because I was afraid that you wouldn't want to be with me anymore if you knew. It's not something that I particularly proud of.”

“We don’t have to talk about that now.”

“You’ve waited long enough and you’ve been more than patient with me. All I ask is that you have an open mind…and that you’ll forgive me after you've heard everything.”

“I’m not a priest, Rafael. I don’t have the authority or the right. And even if I were, I wouldn’t judge you.”

“You might, after what I have to tell you.” Barba sighed deeply before continuing. “It happened a long time ago when I was in the Bronx DA’s office. I was so consumed with making a name for myself and having a high conviction record that I was willing to do anything. I was prosecuting a rapist for a double rape and murder of two women. My only witness was a heroin addict, Marianna Abreu.”

“Wait a minute, her last name sounds familiar.”

“It should. She was Ashtonja's mother.”

“Was?” Sonny replied in confusion.

Barba's eyes lowered in guilt. “On the day of the trial, she was so stressed out that she could barely talk. The judge wouldn't give me a recess and I was stuck between a rock and hard place. If I couldn't get Marianna on the stand to testify, the bastard rapist was going to walk free and hurt someone else. Marianna said that if could score some smack, she could get through it and testify. So, she asked me for a loan.”

“Rafael, you didn't...”

Barba raised his head to look into Sonny's eyes. “Marianna was able to testify and she buried the bastard. Her testimony put him away for life. Eight hours later, she died of an overdose.”

“No wonder you suddenly recused yourself from the case. That's what David Willard was blackmailing you with, wasn't it?”

“He thought I was having an affair with Ashtonja, but as usual, he got it wrong. I've been helping her and her grandmother financially ever since Marianna died. If I had stayed on the Willard case, my secret could have gotten out to the press and SVU could have been compromised as well as the DA's office. Even worse, Ashtonja would have been caught in the middle of the firestorm. I couldn't let that happen so I told the DA everything. When you saw me with Liv, I was about to see him and find out what my punishment was going to be. I love my job, Sonny. I really do. But the law isn't always perfect. It never has been. Sometimes, you find yourself caught in a no-win situation. I thought that the DA was going to let me go. Instead, he suspended me for a month without pay. I've been on thin ice ever since then. Can you look me in the eye now and tell me that your feelings towards me haven't changed?”

“I'm ashamed of you, Rafael.”

Barba's eyes reflected unspoken pain. “Now you know why I didn't tell you.”

“I'm ashamed that you would think so little of me,” Sonny corrected him. “Did you really think that I would abandon you? And in your moment of need? Did you think that I wouldn't understand?”

“Fear does weird things to people. It was my problem and my consequences. I didn't want my past to jeopardize your future. And besides, you've had your own problems to deal with. You didn't need to add mine on top of them.”

Sonny pulled back slightly. “What are you talking about?”

“Your father stopped by a while back and told me all about what happened to you when you were a kid and as a teenager. He felt that I needed to know so that I could understand where you were coming from. I thought I had a rough childhood, but after telling me what you went through, I have a lot more respect for you and for what you've accomplished.”

“It was a very dark time in my life. I didn't care what happened to me or who I hurt in the process. I had a lot of anger and resentment to work through. Unfortunately, it wasn't exactly in a constructive way.”

“Looking at you now, no one would believe that you were ever like that.”

“And I wouldn't blame them. There are times I wonder how I ever climbed out of that pit of loneliness and depression. But I thank my lucky stars every day that it wasn't too late for me. What I went through made me a stronger person, mentally and spiritually. And it made me realize that no matter how much a person messes up, it doesn’t mean that they have to let it determine their future. But Rafael, I also didn't do it all alone. I had a lot of support and encouragement from my family and Father Delvecchio. They didn't give up on me even though I really made it hard on them.”

“You were lucky to have such a great support system.”

Sonny reached up to cradle Barba's cheek in his hand. “You have a support system too. You have your mother, your friends, the gang at SVU, and even Carmen. And you’ll always have me. I told you that I would support you no matter what happens. I still stand by that.”

Barba turned his head sideways so that he could kiss Sonny's inner palm reverently. “Have I ever told you how lucky I am that you're in my life?”

“Not lately. But feel free to show your gratitude. Use your imagination,” Sonny replied suggestively.

Barba leaned over to kiss Sonny fondly. “You're always so demanding. Does that mean everything's okay between us now?”

“It is, as far as I'm concerned.”

“It's no wonder that I love you.”

Sonny's blue eyes widened in shock. “Did you just...? Are my ears deceiving...? What?!?”

Barba chuckled at Sonny's rambling. He really was adorable. “I said that I love you Dominick 'Sonny' Carisi, Jr. You got a problem with that?”

Sonny wrapped his arms around Barba's broad shoulders, hugging him tightly. “Only that you waited so long to tell me. But when did it happen?”

“I think I've always known from the moment I walked into the station and saw you sporting that awful mustache. I thought you were in way over head when you first joined SVU. I mean, you came from Staten Island, for God's sake. But then you kept showing glimpses of being a competent and resourceful detective and proving me wrong again and again. You never gave up on a case and more importantly, you never gave up on people. I never told you this, but I've always admired that about you and your unwavering faith in people. And then there was the way you were always trying to impress me with your legal knowledge and your eagerness in upholding the law. I didn't think someone going to night school at Fordham Law while working as a full-time detective could actually be successful in doing both. But you proved me wrong, yet again when you passed the bar exam. I was so proud of your accomplishments.”

“I wouldn't have passed if it wasn't for your mentoring.”

Barba shook his head from side to side. “I didn't do anything. It was all you, Sonny. It's not very often that someone can impress me, let alone someone from Staten Island. But you're different. And I mean that in a good way. You're comfortable with who you are and where you come from. You're smart, compassionate, persistent, and of course, stubborn. And you can be a big goofball sometimes. But that's one of the many reasons why I was attracted to you. You make me laugh and remind me not to take things too seriously sometimes. You revel in the simple pleasures in life and you stick to your values and convictions. And heaven help anyone who dares to mess with those you care about. How could I not fall in love with you?”

“You could have saved us both a lot of trouble if you had told me all of this from the beginning.”

“Well, you know how stubborn I can be.”

Sonny chuckled as he snuggled happily against Barba's bare chest, hugging him closely. “Ever since you came into my life Rafael, my life has never been the same. Even before we started dating, whenever you were busting my chops, I always learned something from you. After all, you wouldn't waste your breath on someone like me if you didn't think I was worth your time. But I've always admired your passion for the law and the way you always stuck to your guns even if it meant going against us or getting flak from 1 PP or from the mayor's office. That's why I put up your snarkiness, because it was your way of telling me that you cared, albeit it in your own distorted way. And then as we got to know each other better during our law sessions, I came to realize that I wanted to get to know you on a more personal level. Not only because I was indebted to you for your all your help, but because I WANTED to be with you. That's why I ran away the first time you kissed me. I was so confused, because I didn’t know what I wanted at the time. I don’t know if you know it or not Rafael, but you can be very imposing.”

“That didn’t stop you from falling for my many charms,” Barba replied facetiously, earning him a gentle jab in the ribs from Sonny, making him grimace in pain.

“You’re right. It didn’t stop me. Deep down, I think I’ve always known how I felt about you. I wasted so much time running away from you. I thought I had blown my one chance when you said that we should forget about that kiss and just be friends. I thought you regretted it and wanted to move on with your life.”

“I was giving you a chance to decide what you wanted on your own terms and at your own pace. I was trying to do the noble thing by letting you go, because I didn’t want you to feel obligated. But you’re a hard habit to break.”

Sonny pulled back to gaze into Barba's eyes. “In all honesty, that only made me more confused. Because the more time we spent apart, the more I wanted to be with you. At first, I thought it was just my imagination. Now that I think about it, it makes a lot of sense, because I was already beginning to fall for you. I just didn’t realize it at the time. What made things worse was that you made it seem like you didn’t want to even be in the same room with me.”

“Oh Sonny, if you only knew how wrong you were. I was only hurting the both us, by purposely keeping my distance from you. If you hadn’t confessed on that day at the station that you wanted to be with me, I would have eventually caved in to my baser desires. It was as though you knew what I wanted to hear at exactly the right time.”

“It was clearly kismet. I know this sounds crazy, but I’ve always felt like there was a part of me that was broken because of what happened in my past life. Maybe it was shame for my misdeeds or a deep-seated fear that I wasn’t worthy enough as a person, so I would always end a relationship before the other person got a chance to. But you never made me feel that way, Rafael. You accepted me completely and unconditionally. You treated me as an equal and you made me feel cherished and adored. You made me want you in ways I never dreamed it was possible for me to feel for another person. That's why it broke my heart when you refused to confide in me about your secret. I loved you so much and it hurt that you couldn't trust in me as much as I trusted in you.”

Sonny waited for Barba's response to his declaration of love, but all he got was silence. “Rafael, please say something.”

“Sorry, I was just taking in it all in. Did you actually say that you love me?”

“I can repeat it again, if you want.”

Barba gently brushed his lips against Sonny’s mouth. “I never want you to stop. I had all, but given up on the idea of falling in love again. After getting dumped by Yelina for Alex I promised to never let anyone get close enough again to touch my heart. I used work as an excuse to keep myself busy so that I wouldn't have to think about how empty my life was. I kept telling myself that I was doing just fine on my own...until you barged into my life like a bull out of a chute, with your no-nonsense, Staten Island ways. I never had a chance.”

“You really do have a way with words, counselor.”

Barba gently took a hold of Sonny's chin in between his thumb and forefinger.

“Sonny... _querido_ , I don't know what the future holds for us. I can't promise that our relationship will be all sunshine and roses. I know that I’m not always easy to get along with. I may forget to say please and thank you. And I'll probably drive you up the wall from time to time as well.”

“Probably?” Sonny replied sarcastically.

Barba smiled in spite of himself. “All I know is that I love you and I want to be a part of your life...that is, if you'll let me.”

Sonny responded by reaching up to kiss Barba with every fiber in his body. “That's all I've ever wanted, Rafael. As long as I have you, I don't need anything else.”

Barba wrapped his arms around Sonny pulling the younger man even closer to him. “Have I ever told you that I love the way you say my name in that Staten Island accent of yours? I just wish that you would start calling me something a little less formal.”

“You didn't like it when I tried calling you any of your other nicknames, remember?”

“That's because I was trying to keep you at arm's length before. Things are different now. I don't mind anymore.”

“In that case, will you shut up Raf, and make love to me already?”

Barba responded immediately by bending down to trace his lips against Sonny's ear before burning a trail of slow and seductive kisses along the column of his long neck, nipping at the pale skin beneath and marking his territory. Sonny arched his back in response as he raked his fingers through Barba's hair, holding his head against his body and sighing in sheer bliss.

“Sonny?” Barba murmured in between kisses.

“Hmm?” the younger man replied in distraction.

“Are you available this weekend to meet my mother?”

* * *

  _Epilogue:_

_In the not too distant future..._

Sonny took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves. He kept pulling back his shirt cuff to check on the time until court came back from recess. He turned to look at the man sitting on his left who gave him an encouraging smile, sensing Sonny's nervousness.

“You okay, Sonny? You look like you're about to retch.”

“I'm fine. Besides, I did that about half an hour ago so I’m good to go.”

Brooklyn ADA, Marco LaRosa, nodded in sympathy. “Been there, done that.”

“I didn't think I would be this nervous. I mean, I'm well prepared, but I still can't help feeling nervous.”

“Don't worry. Sonny. You'll do fine. I wouldn't let you handle the cross examination unless I was confident in your abilities,” ADA LaRosa replied. “Just take a deep breath and remember to keep breathing.”

“Thanks, Marco. It's just that I can't believe I'm actually going to stand up in front of a real live judge and jury in court and put my abilities on display.”

“Well, that's why you have a license, isn't it? So that you could practice law?”

“For a while there, I didn't know if I still had it in me after being with SVU for so long. I was afraid that I forgot everything I learned.”

“It's just like riding a bike. Once you get back on it, you never forget. And besides, it wasn't as if you didn't keep up to date with the current statutes. That's what impressed me when you reached out to me after all this time. I'm just glad that you decided to take me up on my offer.”

“Thanks for keeping the job open for me. It's a good thing that I like artisan pickles.”

Slowly, but surely the jury and the rest of the gallery filed back into the courtroom.

“All rise. Court is back in session,” one of the court bailiffs announced. The trial judge entered from the side door and took her place. “Be seated.”

“Is the prosecution ready for cross examination of the defendant?” the judge asked.

Sonny took a deep breath before smoothing his crimson red tie and got up to button his dark blue suit jacket, a habit he had undoubtedly picked up from Barba. “Yes, your honor. I'm ready.”

“Mr. Carisi, I know that's it's not unheard of to bring friends and family along when court is in session, but it looks like you brought the entire neighborhood with you.”

Sonny felt his face flush, knowing that there was a large contingent of Carisi family members, both immediate and extended, sitting behind him in the gallery on both sides of the room observing the proceedings and silently cheering him along. Normally the gallery was filled with reporters and those closest to the case, but in this case, it was more of a cheering section for Sonny. Sitting in the midst of them, was Liv, Fin, Rollins, and last but not least, Barba who was preening like a proud papa.

“Forgive me your honor. I'm ready to proceed.”

“The floor is yours, counselor,” the judge replied evenly.

Sonny slowly and purposely made his way to the stand. When he turned around, his eyes met with Barba's green ones from across the room. He gave Sonny a small nod of encouragement. It was exactly what he needed. And in a performance that was reminiscent of Barba himself, Sonny proceeded to tear the defendant's alibi apart with the skill and expertise of a well-trained surgeon. By the time Sonny was through with his questioning, the defense attorney was holding a hand to his forehead in submission, ready to work out a plea bargain.

“I have no further questions, your honor.”

“If that's how you are when you're nervous, I'd hate to see you when you're calm, cool, and collected,” LaRosa whispered as Sonny took his seat. “Nice work.”

Sonny smiled in return as he allowed himself to take a silent victory lap. He had worked long and hard for this moment and he was going to enjoy it while he could. His eyes wandered over to his phone resting on the table and smiled as he read the text message from Barba.

“ _You look so sexy when you're prosecuting_.”

* * *

  _A few months later..._

“Sonny, I'm home,” Barba announced as he walked into his apartment after a late night at the office.

He shed his overcoat and placed his briefcase on the sofa before wandering from room to room in search of his partner when he didn't get a verbal response. He finally found Sonny in the study hunched over a law tome with his head resting sideways on top of his crossed arms, sleeping peacefully. He was working hard on a recent case, and doing research in preparation. He must have been going at it for hours, bless his heart. For a few moments, Barba stared at Sonny with a look of gratitude and contentment. They had been living together ever since Sonny had decided to follow in Barba's footsteps and continue his professional career working with ADA LaRosa in Brooklyn. It was an honor and a privilege to personally observe Sonny's growth as an attorney and as a person. With his experience as detective, it gave him an added advantage that Sonny utilized to the fullest. It had taken him all of approximately 2 seconds to consider his answer when Barba asked him if he wanted to move in with him. As for Barba, he didn't think it was possible to find happiness again. He was glad that he was proven wrong. It wasn’t just happiness. He had found peace and contentment…and his soulmate.

Barba went over and bent down to kiss Sonny's temple. The younger man stirred from his slumber and blinked several times before he acknowledged Barba's presence with a gentle smile.

“Raf, you're home. What time is it?”

“A little past ten. How long have you been hitting the books?”

“Since dinner. LaRosa is worried that the defense is going to spring a surprise on us and wants to have an ace up our sleeve.”

“Who's the defense lawyer?”

“Our old friend, Rita Calhoun.”

“Good old Rita. LaRosa was wise to have a back-up for his back-up plan. She'll probably motion to suppress evidence at the last minute like she always does.”

Sonny chuckled in agreement. “By the way, she told me to say hi to the ' _old man_ '. I think she meant you.”

“She always did know how to annoy me, the smartass.”

“Never mind that. Have you eaten yet?”

“Nothing that you would call an actual meal. However, I had a few snacks to tide me over.”

“You must be starved then. If you don't mind leftovers, I can heat it up for you.”

“Thanks all the same, but I just want to go to bed. It's going to be another long day tomorrow. With the both of us being so busy lately, it feels like we only have enough time to say hi and bye. I hope you're not having second thoughts about moving in with me.”

Sonny closed the gap between them to press a firm kiss on Barba’s lips. “Not on your life.”

“I'm glad to hear that. Hey, what do you say we go to bed?”

“It's a little early, isn't it? You usually hit the sheets after midnight.”

“I didn't say that I wanted to sleep,” Barba replied suggestively as his arms wound around Sonny's slim waist, pulling him against his hard body.

Sonny sighed in defeat. He could never deny Barba anything. “You really are incorrigible, counselor.”

* * *

_The End_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Upload date: 21Feb2018
> 
> A/N: A very BIG thank you to all of you who took the time to read this little project of mine and let me know how you felt about it. I'm so glad that it was received in the spirit in which it was written. We have been on a wonderful journey together. Had some laughs. Had some tears. And it was all worth it. Would love to write another story for Sonny and Barba in the future, but I must say farewell for now. I wish you health and happiness. Cheers!


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